A Beautiful Letdown
by Chronicleofabutterfly
Summary: When her husband is murdered, and a twisted plot is discovered, her only priority is revenge. Could the love of a friend help her through or will she forsake her badge for blood?
1. Chapter 1 Wake Up!

A Beautiful Letdown

Chapter One: Wake Up

A/N: This story has been floating around in my cluttered little brain for a long time. I wanted to finish 'Divided We Fall' but I ran into some major writers block when I changed the story line, so I started this one, knowing that my brain will eventually come around to the other. This is an EO Pairing but it's a developing story so…no wedding my chapter three LOL.

She found her self gasping for air. Her calves were killing her with each revolution she made and she knew she had one more hill to go before she could even attempt to make a move. She forced herself to concentrate on her breathing, forced herself to inhale for two seconds and exhale for another two. She knew as soon as she stood and rocked the high tech equipment under her, left to right, that her quadriceps were going to yell at her, they would feel the searing heat of a workout they weren't ready for but that she would demand from them.

She paced herself at exactly ninety revolutions per minute, reminding herself not to white knuckle the handlebars. She looked up, seeing the hill in the distance and the man with the Rolling Stones bicycle jersey, pedaling, reading himself for the up hill climb. After two years of trying to catch the giant set of lips with petruding tongue, she knew he was cycling at exactly one hundred revolutions per minute, just above average.

If Olivia's calculations were correct she could catch him on the crest of the hill. While it was still early morning, she felt her jersey soak up her sweat. She felt the sweat drip into her eye and cursed inwardly for refusing to wear a handkerchief under her helmet, she fought the suggestion for two years, and she cursed herself for two years for not doing it. She was thankful for the half-fingered gloves that kept her hands dry, and firmly in place on the handle bars, and while she had originally pitched a major fit about the lycra riding shorts she silently praised herself for investing the hundred dollars to buy a few. They kept her thighs free of chaffing and reduced the numbing pain the seat caused on her derriere.

Deciding she was going to have to start the painful climb, she produced ten more solid pushes out of her legs, reached down quickly for the water bottle taking a mouthful of water only to swallow a portion and spit the rest out. She replaced the bottle, checked her shoes to make sure they were snapped in correctly and quickly adjusted her glasses. According to her calculations, she had to move now.

She stood pumping her legs frantically left and then right, grimacing at the pain that was ripping through her body. The Rolling Stones jersey was in sight. Two years and she never caught him. Today she had to, she wasn't sure why; she just knew it was paramount. The hill started and she groaned, pedaling fiercely, then down shifting quickly as the hill steepened. She was gaining. She speed up to a painful one hundred and five revolutions a minute and yelled at the pain in her body as the sweat poured down her brow.

She was at the crest of the hill and he was two, maybe three lengths away, the time for her move was now. She up shifted gaining more speed as she moved downhill, closer. She continued to pump just as he sat to coast. Closer. She grunted feeling her legs weaken even under the demands of her tiny frame.

"Left!" She yelled as her front tire reached his rear. She was merely giving him the courtesy of him knowing where she was, which was right on his tail, never had she been so close. The hunter was slowly catching her prey. He looked back and she saw the shock in his face as the sweat beaded, he turned forward and stood immediately pumping harder. She heard him grunt trying to go faster, it seemed the hunter just became the hunted.

It was a sharp turn that she negotiated daily on the road bike, she pumped harder groaning at the pain that was relentless in her body. She looked through the turn and heard him yell at her to slow down, that she would never make it at that speed, but she had her calculation down to a science, and she had to take the turn or risk becoming the captured prey she once hunted. She slowed minimally and adjusted her gears quickly leaning to the extreme right and taking the turn at a speed that made her heart skip when she realized it was very possible she would crash.

Surprised that she didn't she looked over her shoulder to see him taking the turn. One more minute was all it took to the finish line. She didn't know if her legs could handle it any longer. She sat for only a second until she heard his deep, agonizing voice.

"Left!" he shouted.

He had caught back up with her; she stood immediately and up shifted to gain more momentum. She pulled away only slightly as they both groaned aloud into the atmosphere. Her end was in sight, fifteen more seconds was all it would be and just as she crossed the stopping point it was a damn frisbee that took over her reflexes, she clamped her hands down on the breaks sending her careening over the handlebars and sliding painfully for what seemed to be forever.

"Olivia!" He yelled stopping the bicycle quickly and letting it fall to the ground. "Olivia!" He yelled for her again as she groaned and rolled onto her back. He was shocked to see the blood and chewed jersey but he was surprised to see the faint smile.

"What the heck was that, Olivia?" His gray eyes peered over her face unbuckling her helmet.

She shook her head and winced at a slight tinge of pain she knew to be loose gravel embedded in her shoulder, "Definitely a miss-calculation." She smiled faintly.

"Are you okay honey?" he asked again.

"Jonah…I beat you fair and square," she laughed, "Don't rain on my parade by making me into an accident victim." She laughed and kissed the corner of his mouth.

"I can't believe you took that turn like that…what were you thinking?" he asked looking at her legs and shoulder and knowing she would be okay.

"I was thinking about finally beating you. Besides, it wan't the turn that put me on my butt, it was the frisbee." She raised her hands to him, "You gonna sit there and stare at me or are you going to be a good husband and help me up?" she laughed as he pulled her up gently. She laughed even harder when she looked at her feet.

"What's so funny?"

"My shoe is still clipped into the pedal!" She laughed pointing to the bike on its side and the riding shoe clipped securely in.

"How fast were you going?" he laughed unclipping it and tossing it to her to put on.

"Well, how fast were you going?" She asked him fastening the shoe.

"About twenty-eight, last time I checked," he smiled and stood her bright yellow Cannondale bicycle upright for her.

"Well, then." She couldn't resist rubbing in the fact that she'd finally beat her husband in the sport that he made her fall in love with, "I guess, I was going faster than that, you know…since I _beat_ _you_ and everything." She smiled in victory and straddled her bike waiting for him to mount his own.

"Here, Hot Shot." He smiled picking up her helmet and handing it to her, "Take a spill like that, without this, and things won't be so happy." He smiled and kissed her chastely on the mouth. "Come on, let's get you home to deal with that road rash."

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"Ouch! Jonah! What the hell are you doing?" She barked laying flat on their bed and feeling the stinging pain of him tending to her wounds.

"Well," he smiled and kissed the back of her thighs gently, knowing when he scrapped for the last pebble that was embedded in her skin, she was gonna flip, "It seems that when you slide along the asphalt…you're skin doesn't fair very well."

She groaned and swallowed hard, "Are you almost done, this hurts and I'm gonna be late for work."

"Almost…this is gonna hurt."

"What are we doing ton- Ow! Damnit!" she grabbed at the comforter and closed her eyes.

"That's huge." He smiled showing her the pebble in the tweezers.

"Wow." She raised her brows, "Souvenir huh?" she chuckled, "I'm going to be soar tomorrow huh?"

"Well, we probably won't be making love this week." He told her wrapping her thigh with gauze, "Turn over."

Olivia smiled resting on her shoulders, "Oh," She grinned, "I assure you there are very few things that would make me not want to make love to you…and a little road burn isn't one of them." She teased tickling his abdomen with her toes.

"Hands?" he asked with a smile, wanting to make sure her entire body was taken care of.

She raised them off the mattress as she continued to lie on her elbows, "They're good doctor."

"Olivia, a doctor in chemistry means squat for healing." He smiled kissing a large band-aid he placed on the bright red patch of raw skin that covered her ribs. "Besides," He smiled hovering over her and kissing her mouth, "I don't want to send you to work with an injured trigger finger…what would Elliot think?" he smiled leaning down to touch his lips to hers.

She moaned and lowered herself completely to the mattress as her naked chest reacted to his contact. He slid his tongue into her mouth gently and she felt flush as his tongue massaged hers. She felt his hand slide from her hips to her waist, kneading the skin as he moaned into her mouth and moved up sliding his hand under her back.

"Ahh!" She winced and withdrew her lips immediately, "Ouch, Jonah, that hurt." She felt the tears rise.

"I'm sorry." He said shifting his weight and pulling her up to sit. He looked over her shoulder and saw the large square band-aid, "Sorry Olivia." He whispered into her ear, "I forgot."

She chuckled softly and wiped the moisture from her eyes, "It's okay, I just wasn't expecting it." She smiled and pulled his lips to hers sipping softly from his lower one and separating with a gentle laugh. "Speaking of Elliot, we're having dinner with he and his girlfriend this Saturday."

"Girlfriend?" He furrowed his brows, "really?"

"Yeah," she grinned, "He seems happy with her." She kissed him chastely again completely comfortable in her nakedness before him. "Can I ask you a favor?"

"I suppose." He teased her.

"Can you and I go out tonight…maybe to the beach for a walk, I want to talk with you."

"Uh oh," he smiled, "I could have swore I took out the trash yesterday." He faked nervousness.

She laughed and cupped his face, "You're not in trouble," she kissed him softly, "I just want to talk to you…I need to tell you something, but I'm gonna be late for work."

"Tell me."

"I don't want to be rushed." She grazed her lips against his, "I don't get to work from home like you." She smiled, "Let me up."

"Okay, I think I'll be done with work, I have that presentation today too, but the beach sounds like fun."

"Where are you lecturing today?" she asked knowing that his presentations to high school honor classes was one of his favorite things to do.

"Ah, I can't even remember I have to check my palm pilot." He smiled standing and helping her into her blouse.

She turned to face him, "I really like you, you know that?" she smiled as he buttoned her blouse.

"Like?" He pretended to be hurt, "I though you married me for love?"

She laughed freely, "I did…but I like you too."

Jonah leaned in and kissed her forehead, "I like you too."

"Do you like me enough, to sit through a play this Sunday?" she asked tucking in her shirt and smiling up at him.

"I suppose I can step away from my basement of a lab and take the most gorgeous woman I know out for the night." He smiled and retrieved her badge and gun from her nightstand.

Olivia snapped on the .9mm and badge, "When are you picking up your car from the shop?" she asked just remembering that his car had been gone for three days over the time the mechanics had told them.

"I don't know." He embraced her waist, loving how different her body felt when she was in her work attire, how differently she moved, "I'll have to check my palm pilot."

Olivia kissed him soundly on the mouth, "How did I marry such a geek?"

"Geek?" he pretended to be hurt.

"Yeah," she nuzzled against his nose, "but I like geeky."

"Oh," he whispered, "And here, I though you wanted me for my body."

"Oh, you're body was just icing on the cake." She grinned tracing the muscels of his body through his shirt. "I'll see you tonight." She smiled.

"Hey," he pulled her back as she tried to leave.

"I'm gonna be late." She chuckled as he rested his hand on her backside.

"Tell me what you want to tell me."

"No," she smiled, "I'll tell you tonight."

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Olivia sat at her desk looking at the clock and taking note that it was only noon. So far, so good, they hadn't caught anything and all she needed was to get through five more hours of paper work and she was off to tell her husband some of the best news she possibly could. As she completed a file and stacked it to her left she could have sworn the pile on her right was increasing instead of decreasing. She pulled another file off and saw it was Elliot's; he was slowly sneaking his work into her stack. She rolled her eyes and kept working.

"So how's the girlfriend?" she asked him taking a sip of her coffee.

"Still beautiful…how's Mr. Perfect?" He laughed tossing a paperclip at her, "He owes me fifty bucks from the baseball bet he lost."

"Still perfect." She blushed, "And good luck with that, he still owes me dinner from the Yankees game he lost to me."

"You're disgustingly happy, you know that don't you Liv." He smiled chewing on a toothpick. "It's been what? A year of dating, two years of marriage…the honey moon phase is over!" he informed her, laughing and starting on another file.

"You know something?" She said stretching and yawning before returning to a normal sitting position, "I never thought I'd be happy, much less happily married."

"Well, as long as you're feeding me free food this Saturday, you can be whatever you want." He teased her flashing that smiled that always made her shake her head in wonder, not neccissarily of his sanity, although sometimes it did just that, but mostly she wondered why no one had ever married Elliot, if she was married, that was proof positive that anyone could be.

Olivia looked at her stack of files and noticed it gained another several inches, "Elliot," she took the top four or five files from her stack and stretched tossing them messily onto his desk, "if you slid one more of you're files on my desk, I'm going to shove them square in your as-"

"Stabler, Matthews, you catching?" Cragen called out walking to them with a piece of paper in his hand.

Olivia looked up and rolled her eyes, _so much for coming home early,_ "Yeah, what'chya got for us Cap."

Cragen sighed and handed them the paper, "Child shooting about an hour ago."

"An hour?" she furrowed her brows retrieving her weapon from her desk drawer.

Cragen swallowed hard, "There's a hostage situation, the body count is undetermined, at least three…"

"Why are we going to a shooting?" Elliot asked, "Where's homicide?" he inquired putting on his suit jacket.

"The shooters a kid…the hostage negotiators requested SVU to try and talk to him…go."

"Were on it." They called out in unison as they disappeared.

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Elliot pulled up to the curb throwing the car in park, "This can't be it…it's a school"

"Oh no." Olivia shook her head, "Damnit, you've got to be kidding me." She moaned stepping out of the car and jogging along side Elliot to the man wearing the On Scene Commander windbreaker.

Olivia displayed the badge that hung from the beaded chain around her neck, "I'm detective Matthews this is my partner detective Stabler…what's going on?"

"Detectives," The on scene commander shook his head, "It's too late, kid shot him self."

"What?" Olivia furrowed her brows, "What the hell happened?"

"Negotiator tried to talk him down and the kid shot himself, but not before going on a rampage."

He took his ball cap off and scratched his head, "It's a mess."

"How many bodies are we talking about?" Elliot questioned not wanting to know.

"Well," he said handing him a stack of identification cards, "Looks like three teachers and five students and one person they haven't identified as staff."

"Where?"

"Third Level." He sighed, "It's nasty."

"I can't believe this." Elliot shook his head as he started to go through the identification cards, "What the hell is wrong with this society Olivia?" he asked and looked at the next card only to stop and see her starring across the street.

"What are you looking at?" He asked following her gaze and noticing a crotch rocket motorcycle parked. "Liv…I know you got a think for bikes but we got a ca-" he stopped when he saw her frantically pull out her cell phone and push a speed dial number. He assumed, when she hung it up that there was no answer. She made another call on speed dial and had the same response.

He looked at her growing more frantic, her hands shaking as she searched for a phone number in the phones address book. She finally found it as the mist filled her eyes. She sent the number forcing the phone to call.

"Olivia, what is i-" he stopped when she ran her hand through her hair and turned her back to him as she spoke, her voice cracked and he was surprised to see hear holding back tears as she spoke, "Hi, this is Olivia Matthews, I was wondering if my husband picked up his car today…Jonah Matthews."

Olivia furrowed his brows as he heard her voice sink, "He didn't…okay…bye."

"What is it?"

"Let me see the I.D's" She turned to him.

"Liv tell-"

"Give me the damn cards!" she barked holding out her hands.

He handed them to her as she went through them shakily, "Jonah's car has been in the shop," she shuffled to the next card, "That's his bike." She flipped through again.

"Liv, he's probab-."

"He would have called." She flipped to the next card seeing a young blond girl, and while she knew that having her I.D in her hand meant she was dead, she flipped it quickly and felt her heart stop beating for a fraction of a second before it shattered and fell through her body. "No." she could barely force a whisper, "No." Her voice was louder as she thrust the cards back at Elliot who ended up dropping them as sprinted up the stairs into the school.

Elliot crouched quickly to pick up the identification cards not exactly sure what Olivia was doing until he trotted up the steps and saw the card that had fallen out of her hand as she ran. He picked it up and looked at the picture. "Crap!" he barked, shoving the cards into his pocket and running into the school taking steps almost three at a time until he got to the third floor.

"What room?" he panted brandishing his badge and seeing a young cop point into a classroom at the end of the hall.

He sprinted down the hall and heard the painful silence that exuded from the room. That was unusual, there should be detectives in curious conversation, Olivia should be reading someone the riot act about not caring about the victim, but this time, Elliot knew why the room would be quietness.

Breathless, he stopped at the door just in time to see his partner crouched to the floor with the M.E. he recognized as Melinda Warner kneeling beside her, as he approached he heard Melinda trying to sooth her, he saw the contorted pain inscribed on Olivia's face, he saw the tears that threatened to fall.

He was hoping that at any given moment he was going to roll over in bed and hit his alarm clock and go to work. Elliot kneeled beside her, giving Melinda silent permission to leave. "Olivia." His voice was soft as he tried to embrace her. He watched as her mouth opened to cry and nothing came out, she took a breath as if to scream and still only silence came as she leaned out of his embrace and grabbed at the shirt of her husband, "What the hell were you thinking?" she finally managed to whisper through the lump in her throat. "Wake up."

She pulled at his shirt softly at first then more violently, "Wake up!" she yelled in an agonizing scream that forced Elliot to wrap his arms around her. "Wake up! Don't leave me!" she sobbed uncontrollably and hit her dead husbands chest before sobbing and barely speaking, "Please don't leave me." Elliot pulled her away immediately, almost carrying her as she fought to reclaim her position next to her husband. "Let me go!" She fought and squirmed for her freedom.

"Olivia." He held her tighter, and felt his own tear escape at the loss of her husband, his friend, "He's gone." He cupped the back of her head and held her firmly against him. "I'm so sorry Olivia." He spoke knowing his words were fruitless. He felt her wipe her tears and back away from him. She leaned up against the wall and ran her hands through her hair clasping them behind her neck trying to catch her breath, hoping this was all a nightmare, that she'd fallen asleep at her desk earlier in the day.

When she heard Elliot calling Cragen that's when she realized she was standing in the midst of reality. Since she'd met Jonah, she hadn't run from anything, but old habits die hard. As soon as Elliot turned his back she darted down the hall.

Elliot snapped his phone shut and turned around just as he saw her disappear down the stairs. "Olivia!" he ran after her as quickly as possible. "Olivia wait!" he yelled again as he exited the school building. He searched for her momentarily then found himself shocked to see her swing her leg over the motorcycle she said was Jonah's. "Olivia!" he screamed as a truck went by blocking his vision long enough that when it finally passed he could only see her grab a handful of throttle and disappear into traffic.

Elliot ran his hand through his hair in frustration and anger with the situation, he wasn't worried about her on a bike, she'd been riding with Jonah for years, he was worried about her emotional state. Olivia was next to impossible to break; yet she'd just had her life torn apart. A woman, terrified of love, finally found it, only to loose it. He pulled out his phone and dialed, "Cap, it's Stabler…we got a problem."

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Nearly fourteen hours later Elliot finally got the call from a uniform that he'd been looking for. After calling Cragen, an APB was immediately issue for the bike, not because she was in some serious trouble, but it was the quickest way to find her. He found himself driving across town, his eyes burning from lack of sleep, not entirely surprised of where they had finally found the bike, but slightly ashamed he hadn't thought about that location first.

He parked the car on the curb noticing the bike parked up on the sidewalk. He walked along the path of shops looking for the exact spot she told him about every time they passed it on a case or when they'd gone out for lunch. He stepped out walking along the pier looking carefully for her. It was late, just past midnight and while there were several people there, there wasn't enough to make the search difficult.

Elliot walked away and looked left to right along the path of shops trying to determine where she would be, when his eye caught the 'Jon Jon's bar.' He exhaled and walked to the bar knowing that that was exactly where she was. Walking through the door the cigarette smoke stung his nostrils. He moved through a small crowd of people before being able to take a quick look around and not finding her immediately. He thought it would be easier to show a picture to the bar tender. He pulled out his wallet and flipped through the pictures of his nieces and nephews and stopped at a picture of her and Jonah. He smiled sadly at the photo remembering how happy she was when she handed him the wedding invitation. He was being sarcastic when he put the picture in his wallet, telling her he would treasure it forever, but when he saw the grinn form on her face, he didn't have it in his heart to take the picture out, letting it stay safely in the confines of his wallet for the last two years. It was rare to see her grin, to see her beam, and he wondered if after this, she would ever grin like that again.

"Excuse me." He stepped up to the bar, "Have you seen this woman in here?"

The bartender glanced at the photo and smiled, "Yeah, Olivia…she's plastered."

"You know her?" Elliot asked somewhat shocked at the friendly tone of the bartender.

"Yeah, her and her old man come in here all the time to play pool, but tonight she's sloshed, never seen anything like it coming from her…I took her keys." He said tossing the key ring to Elliot. He looked at the keys and took notice of two motorcycle keys. He had remembered scolding her about being on a bike, but as usual she was stubborn and took to it like she'd been doing it since she was knee high to a grasshopper. That's just how Olivia was, it took an act of congress to get her to change her mind, an act of God to make her cry…and a catastrophe to make her drink.

"She's over there, I tried calling her husband but no one answered." He informed Elliot as he dried a scotch glass, "She's good people, never seen her like this."

Elliot gave a soft smile and walked to the back of the bar seeing her leaned over the table, past out with her head on her forearm, various sizes of empty glasses in front of her. He crouched next to her and unsnapped her gun holster placing it on his belt, he removed her badge from her belt and slipped it into his pocket knowing she would never in her right mind want anyone to see herself like this, she would never disrespect her badge if she were thinking clearly, but, how does someone think clearly when their life has just been shattered?

"Olivia," he shook her softly and received no response. He smelled the inside of one of the shot glasses and was taken back by the strength of the odor. He replaced the glass and sat her up watching her head bob around, "Olivia, let's get you home." He whispered softly pulling the table away from her so he had access to her body. "Lets go." He spoke mostly to himself knowing she wouldn't wake up.

Elliot took her into his arms feeling her head rest against his chest. He walked through the crowd, careful no one hit her body as he navigated through the people and finally made his way out of the bar. He negotiated the car door easily and placed her carefully inside. He brought the seatbelt around her body and belted her in before adjusting her seat so she laid back slightly.

"Excuse me, Sir?" The bartender stood next to his car.

"Yes?" Elliot asked opening the car door.

"She gonna be okay?"

"She'll puke when I get her home and be hung over tomorrow." He informed him as if he'd seen her drunk before, truth of the matter was, the last time he'd picked her up from a bar was when her mother died. He made a mental note and decided that Olivia's life had been cruel to her, far too cruel.

"I'll lock her bike up in the back until someone comes for it." He offered, "Just need the keys."

Elliot dug in his pocket and handed him her keys, then remembered she probably didn't settle the bill before she passed out. He dug out his wallet and opened it, "How much did she drink?"

"A lot." The bartender smirked, "How about we say fifty bucks and call it a night." He said looking past Elliot and onto Olivia who's head was dropped painfully to one side.

"All those glasses amounts to more than fifty." Elliot mumbled, "here's a hundred bucks for the booze and keeping an eye on her…and the bike." He said handing him the cash, "I'll send someone for the bike tomorrow."

"No, problem, you left the helmet in the bar." He smiled, "Have a good night."

"You too." Elliot pacified the man's politeness and got into his car.

Elliot pulled away from the curb and realized that when he gave the bartender her keys he hadn't separated the ring and he had no way of opening her house. He thought of going back for the key but decided she probably didn't want to wake up in her bed without her husband. Tired, he decided it would be easier to take her to his place.

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Elliot picked her up over his shoulders deciding it would be easier to carry her up the stairs of his apartment using his back than his arms. She was a petite woman but he couldn't hold her for five flights in his arms. It was the third floor that she finally murmured something; he was just about to ask her what she said, when she vomited down his back. He stopped and tried to stand her against the wall when she puked on him again, the warmth of her vomit seeping through the front and back of his clothing.

Undaunted he held her against the wall until he was confidant she was done, her eyes still shut and unable to walk by her self, he picked her up over his shoulder again hoping her stomach was emptied by now.

He opened his door and walked her in, careful of her head as he turned to close the door. He made his way to his bedroom and laid her on his bed, frowning when he saw the vomit on her clothing. _Dang it_. He groaned knowing he didn't want it in his bed. He retreated to the bathroom and ran a washcloth under warm water before ringing it out and setting it on the nightstand. He pulled a tank top and shorts out of his dresser and sat her up letting her vomit clad body lean against his. She mumbled here and again but was nowhere near waking up. He unbuttoned her blouse quickly and washed her throat gently making his way to her chest, careful not to do anything that would make her question his intentions…not that she would remember.

He ran the wash cloth along her abdomen deciding there was no way he would strip her completely, he'd let her roll in her own vomit drenched underwear before he undressed her completely without her permission. He slid the take top over her head and wrestled gently with her arms to get the shirt adjusted correctly.

Letting her torso rest on the mattress he unbuckled her belt, he almost wanted to cry himself when her hand involuntarily covered his and she mumbled Jonah's name. He looked down to see the wedding ring on her finger and knew that she'd never been happier since she had been married. He sighed, knowing she was going to be miserable tomorrow, and the next day, and perhaps forever.

He'd never seen someone so completely in love with another person until he saw Olivia and Jonah. He slipped her slacks off carefully, surprised to see that the hard-nosed cop he was best friends with preferred a skimpy thong. He slapped himself mentally for even caring, then slipped the shorts over her slender body, surprised to hear her giggle…then groan.

"Oh no you don't." he moved quickly retrieving the wastebasket near the nightstand and pulling her up to allow her to vomit in it. When she calmed herself he laid her down and pulled the blankets back before picking her up and laying her directly in the middle of the bed, not entirely sure of how she slept. He adjusted her body and then noticed the shorts were already sliding off her small waist. He tugged on them and pulled the drawstring noticing the two tattoos just below her naval. He smiled gently, knowing he learned something new about her everyday, even in the middle of heartache.

Elliot pulled the comforter over her body and kissed her softly on her forehead. He retreated to the shower taking it as quickly as possible before towel drying and slipping into boxers and an 'A' shirt. He placed a call to Cragen explained the events of the night to which Cragen asked him to stay with her for a few days, to help her through the initial shock.

Elliot looked at his clock, taking note that it was already three O'clock in the morning. He flopped his body onto the couch and draped the blanket over his body knowing that tomorrow would be the beginning of the unraveling of one of the strongest people he knew.


	2. Chapter 2 Who Once Embodied Fearlessness

A Beautiful Letdown

Chapter 2 Who Once Embodied Fearlessness

A/N: Here's the situation…forgot the disclaimer, but here's the deal, if I actually owned anything from SVU…I could afford to pay someone to teach me to spell…enjoy.

"Make love to me." Olivia grinned cupping her hands against her husband's cheeks.

"Demanding." He smiled settling his hands on her hips.

"Not demanding," she kissed him gently, "Confidant." She corrected kissing him softly again and sipping gently from his bottom lip, "I had a long day at work." She whispered against his mouth as she loosened his tie.

"Stressed out?" He asked softly with a smile that could drop the hard-nosed detective to her knees at any given moment.

"Yeah," she whispered back, "I was kinda hoping…maybe you had something that could relax me?"

"Liv," Jonah smiled unbuckling her pants, "I've got something that will make you putty in my hands."

"Putty?" she arched her brows and shuddered feeling his hands brush against her derriere as he lowered her Levis to the ground and slid his hands back up her thighs, "Aren't we arrogant?" she teased.

Jonah rubbed his forming erection against her, "Not arrogant." He smiled lowering her softly to the bed, "Confidant." He winked at her before kissing her lips and cupping her breast through her top.

Olivia sat up pushing him back softly, "I've always been a skin on skin kind of girl." She smiled seductively and pulled her shirt over her head, "I was wondering if maybe you could help me out with that?"

Jonah pulled her to the edge of the bed and kneeled in front of her kissing her navel playfully as he made his way up her abdomen and pulled her up gently. He wrapped his hands around her toned back and unclasped her bra releasing her perfection. She unbuttoned his shirt keeping eye contact with her husband and sliding it off her shoulder to the floor.

She was about to shimmy her way back to the top of the bed when he stopped her as soon as her hips came off the mattress, he grinned sliding her panties off and eliciting a giggle that was always the death of him. "I love your laugh." He smiled looking down at her.

"Hey…focus Jonah," She teased him, "Pants off buddy…let's move." She winked and grinned as he shimmied out of his slacks.

Jonah hovered over her body and smiled against her mouth, "You have got to be the pushiest woman I've ever seen." He laughed kissing the contour of her jaw and sliding softly down her jaw.

"Not pushy." She arched her neck allowing him better access as she interlaced her fingers with his, "Assertive." She breathed out feeling him tongue her flesh between her breasts and nip lightly.

"About that skin on skin contact." He whispered making his way back to her lips.

"Yeah?" she breathed against him.

"How's this?" he smiled rubbing himself against her and causing a gentle moan to escape her lips.

"Mmm, not sure I can really feel that." She teased wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Yeah?" He furrowed his brows and pushed gently inside of her, just barely enough to open her, "What about that Mrs. Matthews?"

"Mmm," she kissed him on his mouth, "I'm just not sure." She continued their playful encounter.

"Really?" He smiled, "Intriguing…maybe if I-" he pushed in slightly further feeling her body clutch his.

"Um," She panted, "definitely an improvement." She smiled, "but I was wondering if you cou-"

He pushed completely inside of her hearing a whimper from her, "Do that?" he whispered against her breast.

"Yeah that."

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No one wants the pleasure of waking up to his or her friend's sobs. When he opened his eyes and heard Olivia's cries he wasn't exactly sure what to do other than react. Sitting up on the couch he rubbed the sleepy state from his eyes and padded softly into his room where she slept, or rather, where she wept bitterly into the pillow.

"Olivia?" he whispered softly from the door but heard only her sobs as a reply. The light shown into the room softly, caressing her form as she lye tormented on his bed. He padded to her quickly, sitting next to her fetal curved body and touching her back delicately, remembering that when he'd changed her, it seemed she had Band-Aids everywhere.

"Olivia." He whispered her name again and brushed the hair from her face seeing the bloodshot eyes, consumed not simply with the aftermath of a hangover but the old territory of hurt and abandonment, but could he be so bold as to say that he saw a hint of some sort of sexual satisfaction, a flush across her face? He mentally slapped himself for thinking such a thing about his partner. The eyes that shone so brightly for the past three years were extinguished. "What can I do for you, Olivia?" he asked, voice full of compassion for a woman who had hurt entirely too much in her short life.

Olivia sat up slowly, moments ago; she was making love to her husband, only to wake up without him. She stared at Elliot, seemingly unconcerned with how she got in his bed or why she wore his clothes she stared at him evenly and he recognized it as the look she gave when she was going to challenge him, "Bring him back." She whispered hoarsely catching the sob in her throat.

"Olivia," he clenched his jaw trying to hold back his own emotions, "honey, you know I can't bring him back." He exhaled and wiped his hand gently over her cheek absorbing her moisture into his own skin, "But you know if I could, I'd trade places with him, just so he can be with you."

"We," She exhaled, "We were gonna go out…I think." Her voice was groggy, her memory splotchy with all of the alcohol.

"Why don't you get some rest?" He said softly knowing she would protest and she did.

"No, Elliot, I can't intrude, I still have to feed the dogs and then he was suppose to mow the grass," She shook her head trying not to cry again, "I'll have to mow it…that's his thing, you know?" she swallowed, "He liked stuff like that." She whispered. "I have to go home."

"Olivia," he spoke her name softly and pulled her back to him, as he sat embracing her, "You need to sleep the hangover off, let me take care of you." He led her back to the bed and allowed her to slide in as he pulled the covers over her body, "I'm going to baby you rather you like it or not detective." He smiled then jumped back in a start when she sat straight up.

"Oh No!" she screeched resting her hand on her stomach, "NO!"

Elliot furrowed his brows at her reaction, "Olivia, I didn't mean to hurt you-"

"No," She shook her head, "I remember," a tear started to form, "We were going out to the beach…I was going to tell him," She lowered her head and began to sob, realizing that by getting drunk she may have made the biggest mistake of her life, "that I'm pregnant."

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No one could possibly understand how difficult it is to get Olivia Matthews to go to the doctor. Elliot smiled to himself remembering the time Munch had asked her what she would do if she ever got shot, since she seemed to have a deep disdain for going to doctors. She had turned around and shrugged her shoulders; "Plug it with a tampon I suppose." Elliot laughed to himself as he stood outside of the bathroom at the hospital waiting for Olivia to come out.

He pushed himself off of the wall when she finally emerged, pale, shaking and defeated. "The doctor called your name," He informed her softly, "I'll wait out here for you." He assured her.

"El?" she grabbed his elbow before he could leave her reach.

"Yeah Liv?"

"Please…if this goes bad," She shook her head, "I can't…I…please come with me." She whispered holding back her own tears as the headache from her hangover blasted through her brain, pounding relentlessly, reminding her that she may have just done irreversible damage to an innocent life because she was too self absorbed with her own misery to remember the very important fact that she was pregnant before she decided to turn into a sauce monster.

Elliot shook his head in delicate understanding and simply held her hand as they walked down the hall, hanging a left at the door the doctor told Elliot she would be examined in.

"She said you can change into the gown and she'll be here shortly." He whispered handing her the paper gown.

"I can't believe I did this." She fought back her tears, "I can't believe I was this stupid."

"Not stupid." He whispered embracing her warmly, "You're judgment was off Liv…Jonah, and-"

"Don't say his name." She whispered and sniffled pulling away from him and turning her back to him, "Please don't say his name." She exhaled, "I need to change, can you turn around?"

"I'm turned." He called back to her facing the wall, "I just meant that you weren't able to think clearly…you can't beat you're self up, we'll get through this Liv." He assured her.

Olivia folded her jeans after donning the gown making a mental note of his grammatical choice, "Alls clear." She advised him weakly and sat on the examination table tucking the gown under her thighs and crossing her ankles.

"Nice socks." He smiled in an effort to bring some sort of lightheartedness to her heavy soul.

Olivia glanced down and smirked, "I was running so late yesterday…I usually wear them around the house, I guess I just grabbed for them…Jonah teases me about them, he…"

"Well," Elliot wrapped his arm around her shoulder and kissed her through her hair, "I've always liked Elmo."

"You don't know any better." She teased weakly and just as she was about to smile the doctor walked in effectively turning her face to stone.

"Mrs. Matthews," The doctor smiled, "What brings you by…I just saw you, what…two days ago?" she looked at Elliot then back at Olivia and frowned in confusion.

"I…uh," Olivia ran her hands through her hair trying to hold her tears at bay, "I…um, I did something completely stupid."

"Okay." The doctor furrowed her brows and pulled up a chair, "Can I ask you where Jonah is?"

That's what started the sobs, the flow of bitter tears and desperate grasps of Elliot's clothes. He embraced her and talked to the doctor over her shoulder, "I'm Elliot, I'm her partner at work." He introduced himself sensing that the doctor was assuming something extramarital was happening, "Jonah…passed away yesterday." He whispered holding her closer as she cried.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry, honey." The doctor rested her and on her thigh, "What can I do to help you?"

When there was no answer, Elliot took a deep breath, "In the midst of everything, she had a lapse of judgment and…consumed a pretty large amount of alcohol."

The doctor took a deep breath, "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome." She furrowed her brows and stood to her feet allowing Elliot to pull up a chair next to the table, "Olivia, I want you to know that Fetal Alcohol Syndrome isn't an exact science…it's hit and miss." She informed her, "Lay back sweet heart."

Olivia complied slowly clutching Elliot's hand and draping her forearm over her eyes, wishing she were in her bed, with her husband, at their home having some crazy love making session after she told them she was pregnant. She shouldn't be here doing this.

"We don't know exactly why some people can drink and there's no damage, while others may have only a little amount of alcohol and there is a great deal of damage." She spoke soothingly, "It's gonna be cold." She smiled softly preparing Olivia's senses for the sonogram jelly.

"What are you telling me?" Olivia whispered softly.

"I can tell you if the baby is alive, if the baby is doing well…but with FAS many things aren't seen until well after birth…it's you're decision." She informed her rubbing the wand over her still flat belly, "Problems as simple as hyperactivity all the way to severe mental retardation can be a result of FAS." She turned the monitor to Olivia, "You're baby seems to be doing fine in the womb," She encouraged her, "but as I said, we can't tell you anything until birth and after."

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"I have to pick up the bike." Olivia whispered climbing back into the passenger seat of Elliot's truck.

"Nope, I got it covered, Fin and I will trailer it back to your place, don't worry about it." He assured her covering her hand with his as he pulled his truck away from the curb and into traffic, "I'm here when you want to talk Liv."

"I have to pick up with things from the morgue," she shook her head holding back more tears, "They should be ready by now shouldn't they?" she asked looking at her watch, wanting to deal with anything else other than the fact that she just may have ruined her child's life…if she even chose to bring the baby into the world. "If you don't mind, could you take me?" she asked looking out the window and squeezing his hand gently.

Olivia Mathews never asked for anything, yet here she was leaning on Elliot desperately to help her along, she needed help…that was a new facet to her character never before seen, never demonstrated form the detective that could sprint after a perp just as fast, if not faster than the guys, who showed no fear in tackling a perp, or staring them down in the interrogation rooms. She was Olivia Mathews, bold and tenacious, yet today, she was Liv, broken and ashamed. "I'm here for whatever you need." He whispered turning his truck to the right heading for the morgue, deciding that it was unfair for Olivia to have to go pick up her dead husbands belonging…there would be a wallet…a wedding ring.

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"Are you sure you'll be okay tonight?" Elliot asked softly.

"Yeah…yeah, I'm good." She assured him, but the fact that she was still wiping away rebellious tears gave her true feelings away. She set the paper sac down on the kitchen table, "I have to feed the dogs." She whispered completely unaware of what she was doing.

Elliot watched as she made her way to the pantry and looked around closing the door and returning to the refrigerator. Elliot had watched the dogs and house when they'd went on vacation and he was very much aware that the dog food was always kept in the garage.

"You know what?" Elliot chirped taking her by the hand and smiling softly, "I'll take care of the dogs and you can jump in the shower." He whispered, "Rest, relax." He embraced her warmly, "I love you, Liv…whatever you need, whatever you want, just ask." He kissed her softly on her temple and had to softly push her in the direction of her room just to get her going.

It was a daunting experience feeding two of the largest pit bulls Elliot had ever seen. He scoffed to himself scooping out the dry dog food. Olivia had named them Lucy and Ricky as puppies, she justified it saying they were cute, two years later, Elliot decided Hercules and Xena were probably more appropriate.

He whistled as he walked into the backyard knowing that surprising the beasts could be the end of his life he watched as they trotted to him, "Here you go, you big fat mutts." He chuckled then stumbled back when Lucy jumped up and licked his face. "Alright, alright, down girl!" he laughed, "I'm taken, already." He joked and pushed the dog away turning back to go into the house.

As he walked into the living room he noticed the paper sac was missing from the table, he trained his ear listening and noting that there was no sound of running water in the house. He walked down the hall and called her name gently not wanting to startle her if she were changing.

"Olivia?" he knocked on her door softly, "Liv, honey…you okay?" he asked again, finding it odd that he would never dare call her honey under normal circumstances. He'd seen how she responded to catcalls and 'sweeties' before, and it was never a good thing. When he didn't get a response he issued a gentle warning.

"Liv, I'm gonna come in." he slowly opened the door to see Olivia in what he assumed was Jonah's dress shirt, freshly showered hair tucked between her ears as she wiped the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand.

No makeup. No composure. No confidant posture. Defeat. Pain. Shame.

Elliot took a deep breath and walked over to her sitting softly on the side of the bed noticing the contents of the bag laid out in front of her. The wallet…the wedding ring. "Let me help you into bed Liv, you need to get some rest." He whispered resting his hand on her shoulder.

"Theater tickets." She whispered holding them up, "I asked him," She smiled softly, "If he loved me enough to sit through a play with me…he hates the theater." She exhaled a ragged breath wiping more tears, "he always managed to make time for it though."

"Liv-"

"Bubblelicious," she smiled sadly again, "the man had a PhD in chemistry and he insisted on a child's gum…secretly," she ran her hand through her hair, "I'd steal a piece from him here and there, I'd never admit it to him…but I'm sure he knew, I started finding extra packs around the house." She sniffled.

"Can you hand me my jeans?" she asked, biting her bottom lip.

"Liv you need rest."

"Please." She begged again…a concept so foreign to him that he folded immediately and picked her jeans up off of the floor and handed them to her.

"I haven't checked…with all that's happened I'd almost forgotten until now." She whispered, "But I can bet you this house that in my back right pocket there will be a note from him." She informed him pushing the jeans back to him and silently telling him to prove her right.

He slipped his hand into the pocket and collided with a piece of paper, he pulled it out and finally got an answer to a question he'd always wanted to ask every time she pulled out a slip of paper form her pocket, sometimes at her desk, sometimes in the car or at her locker, where ever it was, it brought about the same blushing grin. He handed it to her and watched her hold it fiercely in her clutches as if she were protecting it form a threatening hurricane.

She smiled softly, "He knew how the job tends to eat away at me." She forced a laugh, "He always put notes in my pockets, without fail, everyday that we've been married, there's been a note." She exhaled and smiled bitterly, "There around the house all the time, I found one the other morning in the laundry detergent."

"He loved you."

"He left me."

"He wouldn't have chosen too, Liv." He whispered softly.

"I beat him yesterday morning." She smiled, "He scolded me after I crashed…but I beat him." She grinned then slowly let her smile fade, "I would give anything to be able to loose to him again." She finally gave way resting her face in her hands and crying uncontrollably.

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Four days later, Elliot hadn't returned to his home or to his job, he'd put in for vacation in order to stay with Olivia. He slept; or rather he kept an ear out for her in the guest bedroom, checking on her periodically when he heard her cry. Occasionally sitting at the foot of bed until she fell back asleep, blushingly closing her door when he heard her having dreams that were definitely leaning on the passionate side.

He'd never bring it up to her, never tell his best friend that he heard her moan her husband's name while she slept, who was he to deny her the ability to be with her husband, even if it were only in a dream. He was content with simply retreating to the living room and watching television, trying not to look at the photos of Olivia and Jonah at the beach…at her promotion ceremony…at central park, one smile he knew he'd never see again, the other he wasn't so sure about either.

He thought it odd that Jonah had his funeral arrangements already made, Olivia said he was prudent like that, she set the ball in motion the day she left the morgue, with a simple phone call, although Elliot wondered, no, he knew, that phone call was anything but simple, even if Olivia remained stoic until she left the funeral home.

"Liv," he called to her softly, "Wake up." He couldn't help but fight with the overwhelming feeling that he shouldn't be waking up his best friend to take her to her husband's funeral.

Her words were less and less frequenting over the days, her eyes darker than normal, her smile next to impossible to find. She sat up on auto pilot and stared at the dress Elliot had picked up from the cleaners, she thought it ironic that she'd bought the dress a month ago because it was on clearance, Jonah picked it out and she scoffed at the selection, saying it looked like something a person would wear to a funeral…and here she was slipping it over her form, wearing it to his funeral.

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Elliot was careful to sit in the back row at the funeral not wanting to invade her space, but when she asked if he would sit with her, he politely excused himself from his girlfriend and sat next him wrapping his arm around her shoulder. He knew he was only catching every other word the pastor was saying so he deduced she probably didn't catch any of it.

It's an excruciating experience to have to watch your best friend stare blankly at her husbands casket, to see her eyes water but her tears remain unshed. To feel her fingers crush yours and know that you can't protect her from the elements of pain and sorrow; to hear her shuddered breath and know that the woman who once embodied fearlessness was shattered at his side. To know that in this moment, even you are nothing capable of soothing her.

What can you do except hold her as people walk by and pay their condolences, he finds that tradition ridiculous today…to force someone who is obviously broken to smile and shake someone's hand, family, stranger, co-workers of his that she had never met before.

If the price to breath back into Jonah's body cost Elliot's life, his pension, home…even his soul, he would gladly sell it to bring him back and make her smile. No one should have to see the look on her face as they lowered the casket, another sick tradition Elliot scoffed inwardly, finding it macabre that people would actually watch a casket being lowered, yet here he watched her stare a thousand yards away as her husband was lowered further and further out of her reach.

The warm embraces of a fatherly Don Cragen, the gentle kiss on the cheek from a weathered Munch, and surprisingly gentle words from a normally harsh Fin, did nothing to bring back that glorious smile. He watched as she slowly drifted away into darkness he wasn't sure he could pull her back from.

Had he known what was in store for her, he would have made an effort to make her smile more.

A/N: So, obviously I have some funky writers block with my other story…that and my head is still killin' me. It sucks how swollen my face it…looks like a jack-o-lantern on steroids. Anyway, lots of yada yada here, but it get good in future chapters. Let me know whatch'ya think.


	3. Chapter 3 Every Waking Second

A Beautiful Letdown

Chapter 3: Every Waking Second

"Your telling me little Liv, rides this beast?" Fin asked straining to push the Honda motorcycle up the ramp and into the bed of Elliot's truck.

"Yeah…but her's is actually bigger…this one was Jonah's." Elliot laughed putting the hook of the strap down in the correct spot of the bike and tossing the other hook to Fin, "Hook it on that eye right there."

"You've got to be kiddin me," Fin shook his head hooking the strap and ratcheting it down tight, "Her bike is bigger than her old man's?"

"Not necessarily bigger," Elliot laughed throwing him the last hook, "Just more powerful." He informed him, "You know Liv, the woman craves speed and danger." Elliot reminded him as he jumped down from the bed of the pickup, "Last month when we were in that car pursuit, she was driving," Elliot arched his brows as he shut the tailgate, "Damn near pissed myself with some of the things that woman will do behind the wheel."

"And to think," Fin slid into the passenger side as Elliot started the truck, "She seems so lady-like and refined sometimes."

Elliot chuckled then sighed, "Yeah, but these days she's not doing so hot Fin."

"How long has it been now?"

"Two weeks since the funeral." Elliot answered turning into traffic.

"How long is her leave of absence?"

"Apparently, her bereavement is up and she's using her vacation time right now…after that she goes on administrative leave." He exhaled, "She was so damn happy…why couldn't it work?" he muttered to himself.

There was no reply from Fin, fact of the matter was he had always thought Elliot and Olivia would marry one another, he was almost shocked when she announced her engagement to Jonah and then actually married the man, but he made her smile, made her eyes light up and best of all, he brought doughnuts to the station house on the mornings that Olivia was stuck there overnight. He was a good man, good to her, good to her friends.

"Well, we're here." Elliot informed Fin pulling up next to Olivia's house.

"I'll get Liv- well maybe I won't." He furrowed his brows watching the garage door slowly rise and a very haggard looking Olivia standing on the other side.

"She looks like crap." Fin muttered.

"I'll be sure to tell her that." Elliot said sarcastically, "Better yet, why don't you?"

"I'm fond of my testicles." Fin replied simply as he stepped out of the truck and walked over to her.

"Hello good lookin'" Fin smiled and hugged her tightly, "I miss you Olivia," he said sincerely. "Brought you're crotch rocket home…why do they call them that?" He pursed his lips, "Sounds sexual."

Olivia walked with Fin over to the truck, "Ever, ridden one of these?" she asked with a faint smile.

"Nope, I like my transportation with four wheels." Fin informed her un-strapping the bike as Elliot started to move it down the ramp

"Well, they call'em crotch rockets," She informed him, "Because ridding one is better than sex."

"Better?" Elliot furrowed his brows in disbelief.

"Well," She shrugged, "Pretty damn close…use the hand break it'll make it easier down the ramp." She suddenly frowned, "That's what Jonah always says anyway." She ran her hand through her hair and looked away feeling the gentle wind caress her body and push her hair from her face.

"Well," Elliot smiled, "That helps with the ramp but what about that hill." He asked almost sarcastically as he looked at the steep incline of her driveway.

"Should have backed up more." Fin shook his head.

"I wouldn't have been able to get the ramp down if I backed up." Elliot told him.

"Key?" Olivia asked quietly as they argued.

"What?"

"They key…give it to me please." She said straddling the bike and causing Fin's brow to arc in surprise.

"Damn Liv." He smiled as Elliot handed her the key. She started the bike with ease and could feel the guys watch her as she stared down at the gas tank remembering all the times she and Jonah had went here and there on that bike, she smiled remembering how silly they must have looked in their evening attire that night he insisted on taking the bike because it was a nice weather out.

She pulled in the clutch lever with her hand down shifted into first and let of the break effectively taking the bike into the garage avoiding the problem of pushing it up the incline. She simply shut off the ignition and turned off the gas and walked back into the house, back into the comfort of her bed without so much as looking behind her.

"She gonna be okay?" Fin asked.

"Yeah, I'll go talk to her." Elliot assured him, "She has an appointment tomorrow, that I'll take her to, take my truck back and I'll figure out a different way home, maybe I'll call Michelle."

"How is she handling you being away the last couple of weeks."

"She's irritated." Elliot smiled, "But I can't leave Liv like this…I've never seen her fall apart like this before."

"Alright, be good to her." Fin told him and retreated back to the truck.

Elliot took a deep breath and made his way into the house, knowing she would be curled up in her bed again. "Hey you." He smiled walking into her bedroom and sitting gingerly on the edge of her bed. He noticed that while her watch, and currently dead cell phone lay on the left nightstand, she was laying on the right side of the bed. Elliot concluded that must have been the side Jonah slept on. "What would you say to going out with you're best looking friend tonight Liv."

"No thanks, I'm tired." She mumbled not looking up.

"Olivia," He called her name and pulled her up by her arm into a sitting position, "You haven't been out of this house since the funeral and you haven't showered in a week."

Olivia looked at him unconcerned and smirked, "Is that you're way of telling me I'm ripe?"

"No Liv." He said softly as he ran his hair through her oily hair unconcerned that that was typically defined as disgusting. She was a woman in need of affirmation and he would give it to her no matter what she looked like, "It's my way of telling you that you're worrying me, that I care what happens to you and to this baby and I think getting out for some fresh air will do you some good."

"No." She shook her head and leaned back down into the mattress.

Elliot shook his head fully aware that Olivia was about as stubborn as a mule, if he wanted her out tonight he would have to take things into his own hands. Elliot retreated to the bathroom and ran the water to cold, then decided to give her a little mercy and adjusted it to luke warm. He left the shower door open knowing full well she was going to fight him the whole way.

"Olivia," He walked back to her, "I'd really appreciate it if you jumped in the shower."

"Leave me alone." She said weakly.

"Olivia," He took a step closer, "I really don't want to force you, please get in the shower."

Olivia snapped in frustration, "What part of no don't yo-" she suddenly stopped feeling him literally pick her up off the mattress and throw her over his shoulder, "Put me down now!" she hollered at him as he walked back into the bathroom. "I'm gonna kick your ass Stabler!" she barked.

"Yeah?" He smiled feeling her kick and flail her arms in desperation then gasp as he stepped into the shower with her and closed the door. Both fully clothed, he lowered her softly from his shoulder until she was standing, "Well, then you're gonna kick my ass smelling clean and fresh." He said softly as the water drenched them both. She folded her arms protectively over her breasts as her shirt began to reveal her form.

Elliot kept his eyes on hers, shocked that it took so much effort to do so. Over the last year or so, he was convinced that something was wrong with his brain, his synapse had been misfiring the oddest thoughts, thoughts of he and Olivia, thoughts of something more than a partnership or best friends.

He quickly placed them in the recess of his mind and embraced her wet body. "I want you to know, Liv, that I want what's best for you…I want to see you smile again, I want this little baby to be happy…but it all starts with little steps." He whispered pulling her back softly, "Can I trust you to let you shower while I go change?" he asked softly, "Can I trust that you're not gonna crawl back into that bed soaking wet?"

Olivia licked the water that pooled in the crevice of her lips and shook her head, "Yeah, you can trust me." She whispered.

"Good." He kissed her gently on her forehead and stepped out of the shower, "I'll bring you some towels and clothes, just put your wet ones over the railing and I'll through them in the wash." He informed her.

"Elliot?" She called weakly over the sound of the shower.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

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"Liv…is the food terrible?" He asked her softly as they sat at her favorite Chinese restaurant.

"No," She shook her head and offered a weak smile and picked up her chopsticks, eating here and there as they talked.

"Can I ask you something that you don't have to answer?" Elliot said taking a swig of his iced tea.

"Only if I can ask you something that you do have to answer." She smiled faintly. Elliot took the fact that she was bargaining as a sign that the night might have been doing some good for her.

"You drive a hard bargain Detective Mathews."

"Benson." She corrected softly avoiding his gaze.

"What?" He furrowed his brows, remembering how, when she was first married, she took a great deal of time training everyone on her new name. She loved the fact that she had a new name, she told him she felt like she'd finally stepped out from under the umbrella of what she called the 'Benson Curse'.

"I'm going back to my maiden name." She informed him taking a bite of the shrimp.

"Liv…you don't have to do that, you're still his wife." He assured her "You still have a right to be called by his name."

"I don't want to be reminded that my husband is dead every time someone calls me Mathews, or I answer the phone, or I look at that stupid name plaque on my desk or…sign my name," her voice got quieter, "I just want to be Benson, right now."

"Alright," he smiled understanding her need for familiarity in the midst of chaos, "Can I ask?"

"Yeah." She smirked and took a drink of her sprite.

"Have you thought about the baby?"

"Every waking second." She frowned, "I suppose that's why I want to sleep all day."

"Have you told anyone?"

"Just you." She whispered picking at her pan fried noodles.

"Olivia I'm h-"

"I don't know if I 'm going to keep the baby." She blurted before she could stop herself. She couldn't bare to look up at him, to see that look of condemnation in his eyes.

"Look at me Liv." He whispered.

"No, I'm perfectly content staring at my noodles." She said trying to laugh and finding herself unable to.

"Olivia Mathews." He deliberately used the last name to catch her attention.

She looked up immediately to scold him and was stopped by the complete acceptance in his eyes, "Olivia Benson." He smiled softly and reached across to take her hand, "You know my position on abortion…but that doesn't mean that I can't support you in your decision."

"El-"

"Can I just tell you something?" He asked cutting her off.

"What?" She resigned herself to the fact that this conversation was going to take place with or without her permission.

"I'm not here to condemn you Olivia, I'm your friend and no matter what happens, I'll love you, I wont think less of you, but I also want you to understand how precious children are. God gives them to us as gifts."

"What if the baby had FAS…God didn't _plan_ that Elliot, I _messed_ up…_I_ messed the baby up."

"First of all," Elliot squeezed her hand, "You don't know that Liv, you heard the Doc."

"Do you know how long it took him to convince me that I was worthy to have a baby?" she shook her head fighting the tears that were falling. "He wanted to get pregnant right out of the gates, but it took literally until about four months ago for me to agree…and look what I've done to this _precious_ gift." She said bitterly.

"You made a bad call…step up to the plate a take responsibility Olivia." He encouraged her knowing Olivia wasn't always about sappy comfort sometimes she preferred for people to lay it out on bare street and call it a day.

"I don't have any idea how to raise a kid by myself El, and what happens if the baby does have FAS…then what?" she demanded.

"Then you and I will take it one step at a time." _Did I just say you and I? Damn Synapse._

"What?" She scoffed, "You're gonna be my knight in shinning armor?"

"If you want me too." He interlaced his hands with hers, "I can help you along, I'm you're friend Liv, I'll support you anyway I know how…and If I don't know, then I'll learn."

"I'm sure Michelle will highly appreciate you playing a role in my child's life." She arched her brows at him.

"Olivia…you worry about getting through this, and I'll worry about handling Michelle…she's not that bad…as long as you can avoid the left hook." He chuckeled. "When are you planning on coming back to work."

"Next week."

"What?" He furrowed his brows, "That's soon."

"I want access to his case and the only way to get it is to get my fat butt back in the game." She exhaled pushing her plate away.

"Full?"

"No," She shook her head, "It's just that…Jonah and I always worked out and were very aggressive, I've been sitting around for almost three weeks and my legs feel flabby."

"You've got great legs." He informed her while chewing then suddenly stopped and defended himself, "Not that I look…I just…um…I figured that..um."

"Stop!" She laughed. Olivia laughed…it was at his expense, but he didn't care, he'd walk around the city in nothing but big floppy clown shoes and a red nose just to make her laugh. It was a short-lived laugh, but her head flew back, her mouth opened and Olivia _Mathews_ laughed.

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"This thing is already out of gas?" Elliot frowned looking down at the gas light blink.

"Ah, don't worry, there's enough to get back to the house." Olivia informed him undaunted by the lack of fuel.

"Gas hog." He shook his head, "I think this Camaro gets worse gas mileage than my truck."

"Maybe," She smirked, "But this little puppy will blow the doors off of you're truck."

Elliot smiled and put the Z28 in first gear, "You'd do that to me Liv?"

"In a heart beat buddy." She chuckled.

"Good to see you laughing Olivia…even at my expense…movie?"

"Earnest Goes To Camp." She blurted then frowned, "Did I just say that?"

"Yep." Elliot laughed, "Never figured you for the type."

"It's my favorite…haven't seen it in years."

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After watching both Earnest Goes to Camp and Earnest Goes to Jail, Olivia was sound asleep, her pajamas that were far too big for her small frame, crumpled around her form. It was when he picked her up from the couch and caught the scent of aftershave from the pajamas that he realized she must have been sleeping in Jonah's. He layed her gently on her bed, purposefully placing her on Jonah's side and taking note that tomorrow, he would have to change her sheets, he looked around the room and added to his note that he would have to be straightening up for her too. The once anal-retentive Olivia Mathews, concerned with organization, reduced to laziness, slothfulness…loneliness. He pulled her comforter over her body and brushed her bangs away from her face. He smiled seeing her hair was longer than she would normally keep it. It brushed delicately on her clavicle and in the pale moonlight…she was stunning.

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Elliot's eyes betrayed him in the middle of the night, robbing him of sleep, but his eyes could probably blame it on his ears. _Guitar_? he furrowed his brows, _is she singing_? _Impossible_. He scolded himself and rolled to the opposite side to fall back to sleep until he heard the gentle sounds coming again.

He squinted his eyes to see it was three nineteen in the morning. _Olivia sings?_ He furrowed his brow knowing it sounded absurd; he got out of the bed and padded as soft as possible to her room.

He watched her from the door, watched her sitting Indian style on her bed in her late husbands pajama shirt. She must have discarded the pants for comfort. She caressed the black acoustic guitar in front of her and walked her fingers along the neck expertly as she picked delicately at the strings with her fingers. He was always learning new things about her, always wanting to know more. Her eyes were closed with her head tilted to the side, he knew if she opened them that he was busted, but he had to risk it, had to see what this woman…this creature was doing.

It was the moment her mouth opened and the delicate tambre of her voice massaged his ears that Elliot Stabler had come to a shocking conclusion. He leaned against the doorframe hearing the pain that flowed through her, he stayed and continued to watch…continued to listen.

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all my childish fears_

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

_Because you're presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone_

Elliot knew he could never know what it felt like to loose someone he was in love with but hearing her voice, feeling the pain that came from her, he knew what it was like to have his heart break for her.

_These wounds wont seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

He swallowed hard and ducked his body further behind the wall as she shifted her head to the opposite side, eyes still closed. He resumed his position quietly and continued to listen to words that he was sure were her personal thoughts not meant for him to hear but just as captivating nonetheless.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me

There was no climactic strumming of the guitar, no angry lyrics being belted out, she was soft, entirely delicate as she poured herself out of the instrument, out of her voice, he scolded himself for thinking that she'd never looked more beautiful than this, but he never moved.

You used to captivate me  
By your resonating light  
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

A man should never eavesdrop on a woman; all types of things he didn't need to know could be learned. But here, in the middle of the night, he found himself learning something entirely new, something he wasn't sure he should be learning about himself.

He was so caught up in his own thoughts…that he shouldn't be having of his late friend's wife, his partner, and best friend that he didn't noticed she'd stopped strumming, stopped singing and was staring right at him. _Curse the synapse_! He exhaled and at least had the grace to blush.

"I'm sorry Liv…I…um…see I heard ….checked on you…but you're obviously okay…so I can go back to sleep now." He smiled and attempted to walk his stuttering self away when he heard his name.

"Elliot?"

"Yeah?"

Olivia stood from the bed and rested the guitar back in it's stand and Elliot wondered how on earth he'd missed it the first time he came into her room. _Some detective_. She stood in front of him, tired and emotionally fried. "Could you…um…I…the bed is so…I'm not sleeping well…could you…just, I."

Elliot smiled at her nervousness, "Do you want me to hold you Liv?"

She bowed her head and walked to him, burying her face into the comfort of his chest, "It's so lonely without him here."

"He was a good man." Elliot assured her, feeling entirely crappy for what he was starting to feel for her.

"I miss him so much." She cried gently against him.

"Let's get you some rest." He kissed her gently on the head allowed her walk back to her bed. She slipped in the covers just after she slipped the pajama pants back on, Elliot smiled, who knew Olivia was actually shy…or maybe she just felt 'still married'. Whatever the case was Elliot pulled back the comforter and slept on top of the sheets.

In the darkness he felt her worm her way over to him and tuck her head against his chest, her hands resting securely between the both of them as he wrapped his arms around her. There was nothing erotic about the embrace, no sudden emotion or lust from either party. It was a friend helping another friend through a rough spot in a rough journey, but when he finally accepted the fact that he'd just fallen in love with his friend and partner he could only embrace her tighter, and whisper, "Good night, Liv."

A/N: The song belongs to evanescence from their 2003 album Fallen. For those of you who have to have a plot…relax boys and girls…it's comin'. And to answer your question ( you know who you are ) of course this is EO stuff…are there other types of stories? J/K It's got to be gradual, Elliot can't just ask her out…she just buried her husband for cryin' out loud LOL Thanks guys.


	4. Chapter 4 I Don't Have A Bowling Habit

A Beautiful Let Down

Chapter 4: I Don't Have a Bowling Habit

"Come on Jonah," Olivia smiled, "what's the big secret?"

"If I told you…it wouldn't be a secret." He smiled wrapping his arm around her waist.

"Ooh, so philosophical." She smiled wrapping her arm around his waist and resting her free hand on his chest as she leaned into him. "Well Mr. Philosophical, think you could, at the very _least_, give this detective a hint as to what we may be doing tonight?" She asked with puppy eyes and a smile.

"If there's one thing I've learned over the past year Detective Benson," he smiled kissing her hair, "its to _never_ give you even the smallest hint."

"What's that suppose to mean?" She feigned hurt, "you calling me nosey?"

"Nope." He grinned, "I'm calling you one great detective…cute too."

"You know," she smiled against the sunlight as the ocean waves gently caressed their bare feet, "you're pretty cute too…for a nerd and everything."

"You really like calling me that don't you?" he blushed.

"I like to see you go all shy on me." She teased, "Do you know how hard it is to find a guy who is intelligent _and_ has a gorgeous body?"

"About as hard as it was to find you." He whispered kissing her lips softly, "Besides, I could justify being at a science museum…you can't." he reminded her, "Who's really the nerd here Olivia?" he teased.

"I was on a case." She protested.

"Liar."

Olivia arched her brows and laughed, "How dare you, Sir." She smiled and kissed the corner of his mouth, "If you ever tell anybody how we met I'll kill you."

"Noted." He chuckled as they made their way up a path, and along the pier.

Olivia nuzzled closer to him, bracing herself from the cool current of air that came off of the ocean, "You're killing me with this whole surprise thing." She informed him slipping her hand under his shirt and resting it on the warmth of his back.

When they reached the end of the pier he smiled motioning for her to stand in front of him as he held her, "Keep ya warm." He smiled against her cheek.

"You always keep me warm." She whispered back as they watched the waves gently fall onto the beach and crash against the pier.

"So," Jonah's voice seemed almost anxious, "you'd really kill me if I told people we met at the science museum huh?"

"Hey buddy," She moved her head to the side to look at him, "it's okay for _you_ to be a nerd…but I've got a reputation to uphold…so yeah, I'd have to kill ya." She winked and repositioned her body so they were both looking out over the pier.

"Would you kill me…if I told people how I proposed to you?" He asked softly as he raised his hand out in front of her, palm up, a white gold diamond ring nestled safely within it. He couldn't see her face but he knew she was fighting to hold her tears at bay.

Jonah took her left hand in his as he rested his chin on her shoulder, "Be my wife." He whispered sliding the ring over her finger, "It fits…we fit."

Olivia turned in his embrace, "Are you serious?"

"No Olivia," he replied sarcastically through a grin, "I just slipped an engagement ring on your finger to get a rise out of you." He chuckled, "Of course I'm serious."

Olivia smiled teasingly, "I'd be married to a nerd."

Jonah embraced her tighter, "Yeah, but a cute one…besides, I'd be married to a lady detective…what will people think?"

Olivia laughed, "That you got the short end of the stick." She smiled and traced his lips delicately with her index finger as she searched his face, looking for what, she couldn't tell you but knowing whatever it was she sought out…she found.

"You still haven't answered." He reminded her.

"I want to make you squirm." She whispered, slowly closing the gap between their lips.

"You're a smart aleck." He whispered just as their lips touched softly, their tongues caressing one another passionately as salt air was inhaled and breathed over one another's flesh, smiles beaming at separation.

"What took you so long?" She teased.

"I wanted to make you squirm." He smiled then trained his ear in the distance when she turned her head to listen to something.

"What's that sound?" Olivia asked.

"Fog horn?" he guessed grazing the flesh of her abdomen under her shirt.

Olivia rolled over in the bed after her sleepy mind finally let her know that the sound she heard in her dream wasn't a foghorn but a very irritating alarm clock, intruding on a sliver of happiness she had with her husband; an alarm clock that yelled at her to get up. She turned it off and slowly sat up in bed taking in the scent of her late husband's pajama's she was wearing.

Olivia looked at the wedding ring she wore and smiled remembering the dream she had just had of her and him. The dream seemed as real as if it had just happened, if fact she could have sworn he still felt his hands on her hips as he held her. She took a deep breath and ran her hand through her hair as she exhaled.

She dressed in front of the mirror that she and Jonah had changed in front of for the past two years, telling each other of their tasks for the day. More often than not it usually led to Jonah helping her with her shirt collar that she could never seem to get to fall just right over her blazer. She smiled remembering how she almost ripped a shirt to threads until he saved her from madness.

Olivia frowned at her choice of apparel, the black slacks and black blouse weren't exactly what she thought she'd wear on her first day back at the job but she figured they probably matched the blackness that was consuming her heart. For the first time in two years, she retrieved her own gun and badge from her nightstand and holstered them accordingly. She fought the tears that threatened when she remembered how insistent Jonah was to hand her, her weapon and badge telling her that it was good luck if he gave them to her.

Olivia laughed out loud and shook her head, for such an intelligent man, he certainly had some weird thought processes; nevertheless, as she clipped the badge on her belt, she wanted him here with her in that moment. She flicked her hair out of her shirt and then stopped when she caught the reflection of herself in the mirror. Olivia rested her hand on her stomach and exhaled, feeling the tinge of regret that was building.

It had been nearly a week since Elliot had been by. Not because he didn't try to come by or try to call, what seemed like hourly to make sure she was okay, but because she told him he needed to spend more time with his girlfriend, Michelle, before he found himself castrated.

Olivia walked out of the bedroom donning her blazer, flicking her hair out again and knowing her collar wasn't settled correctly and Jonah couldn't fix it for her. She poured and drank a glass of orange juice knowing that she should have just told Jonah she was pregnant the morning she'd asked him to the beach. Depositing the glass in the sink she grabbed her car keys and walked out of the front door for the first time in two years, without being able to feel his lips against hers or being able to hear 'be careful I love you' whispered into her ear.

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The morning was rushed as soon as she stepped foot into the bullpen. Ironically, it brought a since of steady comfort to her. She had requested an additional week off in spite of having wanted to return earlier. She'd told the Captain and Elliot that she simply needed more time to focus on what was happening in her life. She was grateful that Elliot was the only one who knew about her pregnancy, it seemed to make decisions less stressful yet at the same time she thought…entirely more painful.

She no sooner sat down at her desk smiling at the fact that Elliot had removed her Det. Matthews name plaque and replaced it with a Det. Benson. He was sensitive to her and she didn't know if that was necessarily good or bad. She felt as though he took better care of her than he did his self or his relationship with Michelle.

She was grateful when Elliot immediately addressed her as Benson again and Munch and Fin followed suit as if it were the same way they'd addressed her for the last two years. She thought it cruel that they'd barely gotten her new name down and built into their rhythms only to have it uprooted and replaced with the old beat that was pre Jonah genre.

She wasn't necessarily isolating herself, but she was keeping to herself, avoiding the pitiful looks people gave her, shaking the hands of strangers who wished her well as they walked past her and completing paperwork that had accumulated on her desk since she'd been away.

She was silently thanking God that they hadn't caught a case as she finished her paperwork and silently picked up her jacket making her way out of the station house. She slid into the driver's seat, exhausted and frustrated and completely lonely and hurting for someone…anyone at this point.

She stuck the key in the ignition and jumped as someone unexpectedly knocked on the window. She turned the key on to accessories and lowered the window.

"What's up Elliot?" She tried to steady her voice but knew her glassy eyes were giving her away.

"What's up? You promised me a night of glow bowling." He chuckled then furrowed his brows and offered a small smile, "Liv, you didn't say goodbye to anyone…that's not like you, are you feeling okay today?"

"I'm fine...look," she tried to worm her way out of a night she promised him three days ago. "I forgot to pick up a pair of bowling shoes and you know how I feel about wearing someone else's…sorry, I can't go, besides, I'm really tired." She exhaled and bit her lip.

"Olivia, I've been you're partner for years…I know when you're lying, what is it?" he asked softly crouching down to rest his hand on her shoulder, "Talk to me Olivia…is it the baby?"

Olivia pulled away from him and snapped, "There is no baby Elliot!"

Confused, he shook his head softly, "I don't understand…I was there, I saw the sonogram."

"Elliot…please." She exhaled, "I'm tired."

"Are you still pregnant Liv?" he asked softly unconcerned with her stubbornness.

"Elliot!" She growled out of frustration, "Why do you think I took an _extra week_…THERE IS NO BABY!" she barked again effectively startling him. She started the car and crammed the shifter into reverse chirping her tires as she backed out.

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"Eight ball corner pocket." Olivia informed the dark hair and blue eyed man who was standing at the opposite end of the pool table sizing up the shot.

"No, way in hell." He shook his head at her declaration.

She smiled, "One thing you need to know about life," she informed him as she readied her pool stick, taking the shot and effectively sinking the eight ball in the corner pocket, "it _is_ hell." She winked.

"I've never seen a dame play pool like that." He shook his head and blushed at his defeat.

Olivia shrugged and took the money off of the pool table that she'd won "Yeah, well."

"It wasn't a really fair game though, you know?" he smiled narrowing his sights at her.

"Yeah? Why's that?" she asked softly taking a step closer to him.

"Well, you're far too hot for me to concentrate on my shot."

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She didn't care that she was inviting a man that she'd known for less than three hours into her home, she didn't care that her sole purpose for inviting him was to have meaningless sex with him, she didn't even care that she'd managed to win over a hundred dollars beating him in a game that her husband had taught her.

Tossing her keys on the counter she toed her shoes off, "This is it." She said through a forced smile.

"Nice pad." He whispered pulling her hips into him, "I'm more interested in the bedroom though." He informed her caressing her face and gently pulling her mouth closer to his.

The sensation of another man's lips on her mouth almost made her vomit, but she needed some sort of connection, she was lost and wanted to be touched and affirmed the way Jonah touched her and affirmed her. She kissed back, albeit void of the passion that Jonah's lips could ignite in her.

He walked her down the hallway taking her shirt off and casting it to the floor before removing his own, revealing a perfectly chiseled specimen. He reached for the light and turned it on only to have her immediately turn it off, "I prefer the dark." She lied. The only time she made love to Jonah in the dark was that camping trip last summer that he insisted she go on, and then there was the middle of the night escapades they frequently found themselves in, but rarely did she ever _not_ want to make love in plain view of him.

"Trying to hide you're wild side?" he asked playfully as he felt his way along the wall, "is this your room?" he asked starting to open the master bedroom.

"No." She lied again knowing that she was securing a special place in hell for herself. She might be doing something entirely wrong, and she might hate herself in the morning but there was no way she was having sex with a stranger in her husband's bed, she shook her head knowing she shouldn't even be doing this, but giving in for the sake of at least being able to imagine it was Jonah. She led him to the guest bedroom where Elliot had slept the several days he'd stayed with her. "Here it is."

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Unfulfilled in her emotional longing for affirmation and her physical longing for release she found herself grateful when he finally finished and rolled off of her. His hands weren't the same as Jonah's, he didn't smell the same, didn't arch his back the same way or touch her in her favorite spots. He wasn't Jonah. She laid there, her mind racing and wondering what she had just done in her and her husband's home. Disgusted with herself, she sat up, "You need to leave."

"What?" He furrowed his brows, "I thought we we're just getting started."

"Leave." She told him again.

Sensing the stress in her voice he reached across and softly touched her shoulder, "Did you want me to hold you?"

"I want you to Leave!" She barked, "This wasn't some magical date, it was a one night stand, a simple screw…now GET OUT!" She exhaled running her hands through her hair.

"Wow, you have some serious issues lady." He grumbled slipping his pants on.

"Tell me about it." She mumbled to herself as she got out of the bed wrapping the sheet around her body vaguely aware that Elliot's scent was still on them. She couldn't figure it out but she felt just as bad for having sex in a bed that was once Elliot's as she knew she would have felt had she taken the stranger into the master bedroom.

In dire need of saving face she darted into the hall bathroom and locked the door, waiting for the sound of the front door to open and close signifying his departure from her home…but not her soul. She held the sheet firmly over her frame and leaned against the wall letting the tears fall and the sobs rise until she realized that the front door opened and closed again.

Frustrated and completely angry that a stranger would welcome himself back into her home after she expressly told him to leave, she hitched the bottom of the sheet up with one hand, holding the other over her breast and stormed out of the bathroom yelling as she stalked down the hall, "I thought I told you to leave, Damnit!" She bellowed and then stopped dead in her tracks starring at a very confused looking Elliot.

"Elliot?" She pulled the sheet tighter around her body as he made an effort to look anywhere but at her, "Why are you here?"

Elliot furrowed his brows and put a paper sac on the floor, as he took his jacket off indicating he would be staying, "A shirtless man told me you'd lost you're mind." He whispered walking towards her.

She saw him take in the site of the bed sheet over her body, her freshly cried eyes, and sex tussled hair, "Did he hurt you?" he asked softly.

Olivia closed her eyes blinking out a steady stream of frustration and pain, "No, Elliot…why are you here?" she barked in frustration and shame…mostly shame.

"Olivia," he spoke compassionately, "I'm worried about you."

She rolled her eyes and walked away careful to keep the sheet closed as she walked down the hall only to be mortified when Elliot followed her turning the light switch on and looking at her clothes strewn down the hall. She saw his eyes, the confusion, worry and dare she say, hurt, that ran through them.

Ashamed she crouched to pick up her clothing as she moved down the hall to her room, "Don't you dare judge me Stabler." She barked trying to stand only to feel the sheet rip from her body as she inadvertently planted her foot on the fabric. She crouched down immediately again to shield her body from Elliot's sight finding herself relieved when he quickly shut the light off, but surprised when she felt him covering her with the sheet again and whispering softy, "Jump in the shower, we're gonna be late."

"Elliot!" She stood much more carefully, "I'm not going!" she told him brushing past him into the master bedroom and throwing her sheet clad body on top of the comforter.

Undaunted, he took a deep breath and walked into the bedroom flipping on the lights to see her curled into a fetal position grumbling at him, "Lights, Stabler."

"No." He responded simply as he stood next to her bed, "You told me if I gave you you're space you'd go bowling…it's time to bowl, get in the shower." He told her simply, void of anger or judgment.

"You can't order me around in my own house." She barked pulling half of the comforter over her body trying to shut him out.

"I'm not ordering," he told her softly, "just firmly stating…get in the shower, Olivia."

"Elliot!" she barked sitting up and staring at him, "I am tired! I'm not going! Come back in a month!" she spat before taking a pillow and covering her head with it.

"Fine." He said softly retreating back to square one. He turned the shower water on and adjusted it so it was warm, then decided her behavior caused for more extreme measures, he turned the knob all the way over to the blue and left the door open knowing it was gonna go the same way as last time.

"Olivia," he returned to the bed, "I drove all over town to get bowling shoes in you're size."

"My hero." She mumbled, "I'm not going…so I hope you saved the receipt."

"Olivia," He kept his voice cool, "Get in the shower or you know I'll put you in it."

"Elliot," She pointed to the door, "Get out."

"I hope you tied that sheet well." He stated simply but before she could ask why she felt the edge of the mattress shift outwards on the box spring then up, effectively rolling her off of the bed and onto the floor.

"Sonova-" she was cut off feeling him already behind her scooping her up so that she was standing but couldn't fight back, "You can't do this Elliot." She barked hoping that the sheet was covering her body.

"Apparently, I can." He told her as he tried to get her walking, "Move you're feet, Olivia."

"Screw you." She spat back digging her feet into the carpet.

"Fine." He exhaled and simply picked her up off the floor draping her over his shoulders, "I don't understand why you insist on doing everything the stubborn way Olivia." He told her making his way to the bathroom.

"Elliot, don't you dare do this again!" She barked just as he lowered her and gently pushed her into the shower, "Its ice damn cold Elliot!" she said shielding herself from the stream.

"Look!" he finally firmed his voice, "If you want to mope around tomorrow, that's fine with me," he said pointing at her, "but tonight you're going bowling with me." He informed her leaving her to close the shower door but not before turning to her with a washrag in his hand. He turned to see a shivering Olivia holding fiercely to the soaking sheet in an effort to keep her body covered.

He raised his voice more firmly than before but was still careful to coat it in love, "I take it back, if you want to mope around tomorrow, then you better accept that fact that you and I will be in the same position tomorrow." He informed her feeling the spray of the water spatter him, and he felt a tinge of guilt that it was so cold but not enough guilt to make him stop, "I'm not gonna let you ruin your life Olivia, so you may as well get use to it." He told her tossing the rag at her, "Now get dressed, you're making us late." He paused for a moment and offered a small smile as he pointed to a bottle of shampoo, "You should use that one…it smells good on you."

Elliot closed the shower door, "Put the sheet over the door when you're done…ten minutes Olivia."

"I don't remember you being this bossy." She called to him over the shower draping a soaking sheet over the shower door.

"Only when I care." He called back and walked out of the room. In the time it took him to gather up her dirty laundry that was still scattered about the hallway and strip the bed that, from the unmistakable smell of sex, had obviously been used, he heard the shower water stop. After depositing the clothes in the hamper and the bed linen in the washer he heard the blow dryer start.

Elliot returned to what he knew to be the linen closet and grabbed a sheet set making his way into her room and stripping the bed of the sheets that hadn't been changed since Jonah passed away. Laying fresh fabric on the bed he straightened out the down comforter and the pillows before gathering the dirty sheets.

The smell of cologne was fresh, he furrowed his brows took in the scent taking note it was only on one side of the bed, he looked at the nightstand to see a bottle of what he assumed to be Jonah's scent and it dawned on him why she hadn't changed the sheets, she wanted him close to her.

Hearing the water in the bathroom sink come on and the sound of spitting and mouth rinsing he moved quickly pulling back the comforter and spraying the bottle of Euphoria before covering the sheets with the pillow and re gathering the dirty linen, taking it to the wash room and returning to find that she still hadn't stepped out of the bathroom.

"You okay Olivia?"

"I'm fine." She sighed. "I need to come out to get dressed…it's not like you gave me any towels or clothes." She complained.

"Hold on." He called back to her. Opening what he figured was her dresser he pulled out what he knew to be her favorite pair of jeans moving to her closet for what he knew to be her favorite T-shirt that said 'yeah, it's pink. So?' he personally never understood it, but he was there the day she found it at the thrift store and paid a quarter for it, besides, it would go good with his surprise for her.

Elliot took a deep breath, no man should ever open up his friend's underwear drawer, but if he left it up to her, they'd never get out of the house. He opened it and grabbed a pair of panties and a bra, unconcerned that they weren't matching but more concerned that he find the Elmo socks she liked. He moved 'this and that' 'here and there' and just when the socks were in sight…so was a folded piece of paper still secured with a small piece of scotch tape…the same way all the notes from her pack pockets were for the past two years. Elliot positioned it in plain sight for her to 'stumble on' tomorrow morning and retrieved the socks.

"You're clothes are on you're bed Liv." He told her, "I'll be in the living room." He informed her through the door before walking out and claiming a spot of the couch. He had never really realized all the pictures that were around the house. At first glance they appeared to simply be pictures of a happy couple, but when he made his way form the couch to the mantel and took a closer look he was surprised to see that they were pictures of conquests and first times.

He smiled to himself having never put together her seemingly 'try anything' attitude since she'd been with Jonah, but before him stood evidence of Olivia, who he knew to be scared of heights, falling to the earth with a grin on her face after parachuting from the plane, a woman having never been outside of the city, proudly displayed her catch of fish next to Jonah on what was her first camping trip. A woman scared of love…on her wedding day. A woman scared, but conquering with her husband at her side. Jonah had taught her that there was more to life than being a cop, he taught her to live.

It was the picture of her promotion ceremony to grade three detectives that caught his eye. Jonah had insisted that he got a picture of her and Elliot in their dress blues. He was a good man to his wife, never jealous, in fact, encouraging of Elliot being a part of their lives. He felt a tinge of guilt again wondering what exactly his intentions were now. He was very aware that he was having feelings for her but even more aware that he would be a dog to even try something right now, in fact, he shook his head, scolding himself for even thinking about thinking about her and was saved from anymore thinking when he heard her come into the living room.

She was quiet; avoiding his gaze as she donned a jacket she retrieved from the closet and grabbed her keys. Elliot made his way to her not willing to let the night be wasted because she'd made a few bad choices. As she opened to front door and walked out he picked up the paper sac and closed the door behind them.

"Olivia." He spoke softly turning her to him and pulling her into an embrace. He set the bag down and caressed the back of her head, "It's none of my business what happened here tonight." He told her softly wrapping his hand around her waist aware that she wasn't fighting, but listening. "My love for you doesn't come with judgment." He assured her, "It comes with acceptance, I'd never want to make you feel like less…when you're so much more." He told her softly squeezing her one last time and placing a friendly kiss on her head before letting go with a grin. "Let's bowl."

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"You've seriously never bowled before?" Elliot smiled as they sat down at their lane.

"Nope." She chuckled.

"Well, you're gonna have fun then." He smiled handing her a shoebox from the paper sac she recognized from the house.

"How much do I owe you?" She asked pulling the Circle brand orange shoebox from the sac.

"Nada." He smiled, "My gift to you." He chuckled tying his own shoes that were black with a bright green toe and tongue.

"Mine aren't gonna be green like you're are they?" She smiled pointing to his shoes.

"Nope," he grinned, "Yours are a very special color." He laughed.

Olivia furrowed her brows at his laughter and opened the box, finding that her own laughter sounded pretty good as she stared at the shoes that were just like Elliot's only, "They're pink!" she smiled. "How do you figure I'd wear something pink?" She asked playfully.

"Please," he rolled his eyes, "I saw you go nuts when you found that shirt at the thrift store, I'm surprised you still have it." He grinned sitting in front of the computer and typing in the appropriate information.

"Yep," She smiled, "I've had to sew the hem back into it twice in the last three years."

"Yeah," Elliot shook his head, "That's a pretty good sign that you need to get rid of it."

Olivia arched her brows teasingly; "I'll get rid of you, before I get rid of this shirt."

"Ouch." He shook his head and smiled, as he finished the necessary information, "Ready?"

"Guess so." She shrugged.

"Alright, just a word of warning, those shoes make everything a little slippery."

"Okay." She smiled, "What do I do?"

"Pick a ball." He smiled.

"Hey," She teased in friendly banter, "do you always speak to your dates that way?"

"Didn't know we were dating." He spat back with a smirk trying to determine if the conversation they were having would be construed as friendly chatter or flirting.

"That's 'cause we're not." She laughed, "What ball do I take?"

"How much do you weigh?" He asked innocently but the look of shock on her face suggested he should have just handed her a ball.

"I weigh what I'm supposed too." She informed him.

Elliot blushed and handed her a thirteen pound house ball, "Here, it's suppose to be a one to ten ratio."

Slightly shocked, Olivia looked down at the ball seeing that it said thirteen pounds which was exactly what she would have had to of chosen based on the ration. _How do you know how much I weigh? _She smiled to herself. He knew her well.

After explaining to her the basic preparation and execution of the fine art of bowling he cut her loose to launch her first ball which was a gutter ball.

"Huh," She smiled looking at the pins that were still standing, "is that suppose to happen like that?"

"Not exactly." He grinned, "Try it again."

Olivia retrieved the ball, "Hey, why do they call this glow bowling?"

"Oh," He smiled, "This isn't glow bowling, that starts in about an hour but I thought I'd teach you the basics first."

"Alright," She rolled her eyes, "Help me out here."

Elliot positioned himself behind her leaning over her chin, "Hold the ball like this." He instructed covering her hand with his. "Pull back straight." He motioned, "And launch." He instructed taking a step back and realizing that she had indeed used the shampoo he told her too.

He mentally scolded himself again and took a seat as he watched her focus, take a step off with her left foot, step with her right, slide forward to the foul line and launch the ball anxiously awaiting the outcome and to Elliot's amazement offering a small leap into the air accompanied by a "Yes!"

"Hey good job," Elliot laughed, "I'm sure those two pins will forever fear you."

"As they should." She grinned.

"Good to see you smiling, Liv." He told her softly, "I was starting to miss that smile."

"Good to smile." She agreed taking her seat, "Now let's see what'chya got Stabler."

Elliot launched the ball watching it go down the direct center, fall out to the right and hook left directly into the pocket between the one and three pin, exactly where it should fall but only knocking down nine of the ten pins.

"Wow!" Olivia arched her brows in surprise, "Who knew Stabler has a bowling habit."

Elliot furrowed his brow, "I don't have a bowling habit, I ju-"

"Hey Elliot!" a young alley attendant interjected just as he was about to play himself down knowing if Olivia knew it would be ammunition to torture him with.

"Hi Lauren." Elliot smiled completely nervous.

"You want the usual combo pack?" Lauren asked poised to write as Olivia stared at him slack jawed.

"Yeah, that's fine." He blushed retrieving his wallet knowing what the next question would be.

"Got you're league card?" She asked him.

"Yep." He was about to die of embarrassment, "Here you go." He handed it to her.

"Where's Michelle?" Lauren asked looking at Olivia who was fighting off both the need to giggle and the need to pee, which was a direct result of the need to laugh hysterically at the macho man with the obvious bowling habit.

"She's…um." Elliot furrowed his brows the pain of what happened between the two threatening to show it's self. "She's sick, I'm here with a friend, I'd like you to meet Olivia."

Olivia stood and shook Lauren's hand offering a friendly salutation but suddenly much more mellowed when she saw the pained expression on Elliot's face and the shine that was in his eyes. Something was definitely wrong with him. She kicked herself mentally for being absorbed in her own misery not to notice.

After the waitress left, Olivia stood next to him "So," Olivia decided she wouldn't pounce immediately but grinned knowing she was gonna tease the hell out of him, "what's the _usual_, Mr. I-don't-have-a-bowling-habit?"

"Very funny."

"Oh," She smiled, "You have no idea what I can do with this information…you got a bowling shirt?"

Elliot blushed.

"You're on a team aren't you?" She grinned knowing it was making him squirm.

"Let's just play." He smiled.

"Oh," she chuckled, "life just got fun."

Elliot turned to her and smiled, if she was thinking life was fun…than good. "I'm glad to hear you say that."

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"So this is the usual huh?" Olivia grinned looking down at the pepperoni pizza and soda.

"Yep," he laughed, "and I suppose I can forget about asking you not to share the bowling habit with the guys at work huh?"

"Oh," She smiled, "This torture is all mine."

"Fabulous." He smiled knowing he was in for it. He looked at his watch, "Fifteen seconds Liv."

"For what?" She asked furrowing her brows and taking a bite of the pizza.

Elliot kept his eyes on his watch then pointed to the ceiling of the bowling alley, "For this." He smiled as the bowling alley turned dark except for the black lights that immediately took over the job of illuminating and the disco balls that started to work their magic. "Pretty corny stuff huh?" he laughed.

"Look at you're shirt!" She smiled pointing at his white shirt that seemed to turn a pearled purple under the light.

"Look at you're shoes Liv." He instructed her as he showed her his green ones that were glowing against the black light.

"Holy crap!" she yelled over the music that started to play, and looked down at her shoes that seemed entirely to bright under the light, "That's insane." She laughed freely clapping her hands as a small child, and for a moment forgetting that her husband was no longer with her, forgetting that she cheapened herself by having sex with some guy form some billiard hall, and forgetting for a moment that she was a widow.

Elliot watched her move under the peculiar lighting, her teeth were stunning even more so, her grace, once she understood how to approach the fowl line, was impeccable, and in no time she took to bowling as if it were her second nature, but that was how she was, that was Olivia.

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"I'll walk you to you're door." Elliot smiled.

"The house is thirty feet away…a perp isn't gonna jump out of bushes, that I don't even have, and come and get me El." She assured him.

"I'll walk you anyway." He smiled again and got out of the truck, setting the alarm as she closed the door, rather hard.

"Dang," Elliot smiled, "What did my door do to you?"

Olivia blushed, "Sorry, I forget you don't have to slam it like the Camaro." She smiled softly and walked along the path, a little off balanced and suddenly grabbing onto Elliot's arm.

"You okay?"

"Um…I think," she felt the sudden wave of nausea hit her, "I think…I'm gonna-" and before she could finish her sentence she found her self kneeling in the flower bed vomiting up her meal.

"Wow," Elliot smirked kneeling next to her, "that you're idea of miracle grow?"

"That you're idea of pizza?" She chuckled shakily handing him the keys to the house as her body contracted again.

Elliot grimaced and opened the door quickly in an effort to get her inside, "Come, on let's get you inside." He smiled helping her up only to have her vomit on her again.

"Oh," Elliot closed his eyes trying to suppress the goofy grin the was the result of his best friend puking on him for the third time in less than two months, "you've got a puking habit, you know that?"

Still woozy, she paid no attention to the remark and instead grabbed for him again feeling her knees give way, "I feel like crap all of a sudden." She muttered before wiping her mouth with her hands.

"Let's go." He offered again taking her into the house.

Olivia was surprised that in spite of just heaving everything in her stomach she felt just fine as she brushed her teeth, the room wasn't spinning and as she rinsed her mouth and checked her teeth she actually felt a little energetic. "Hey Elliot?" she called out to him from the restroom.

"Yeah? You okay?"

"Perfect." She smiled softly at the irony, "jump in the shower, it looks like some crazy broad puked all over you." She teased.

"I'm fine, I'll head home…besides it's not the first time she's done it." He reminded her.

"Jackass!" she called back playfully, "Come on," she pushed a little more as she walked out of the bathroom, "The house…the house is so quiet." She said suddenly so serious that Elliot just noticed that last thirty years of frustration that showed on her features as she spoke, "Come on, I got movies out the wazoo."

"I'm not watching a chic flic, Benson."

"I don't own chic flics." She protested.

"Yeah, okay." Elliot agreed sarcastically. He smiled remembering all the times Jonah had told him she made him sit through a chic flic…she owned them, he just wasn't sure where she stashed them.

"I'll stay…if you answer me a question."

"Okay."

Elliot exhaled deeply, and spoke compassionately, "Cragen told me some information on Jonah's case today and I-"

"I don't want to know." She broke him off immediately, "I don't want to know anything until I'm ready."

"I thought you wanted to work on it Liv?" he asked slightly confused.

"I did, but…I need time, this is all so…so…confusing and I don't know what to do." She shook her head, "I don't know if I should stick it out, or leave, or stay, or-"

Elliot furrowed his brows, "What do you mean _leave_?"


	5. Chapter 5 There Is No Baby

A Beautiful Letdown

Chapter 4: There is No Baby

"Elliot," She exhaled in frustration realizing that she was brain storming out loud, "I don't have it in me to fight right now…please?"

"What do you mean you don't _know_ if you should leave?" he pressed her again; there was no way he was letting her off the hook.

Olivia ran her hand through her hair and exhaled, "Elliot…please?"

"Answer the question Olivia…Are you leaving me, too?" He whispered, then suddenly realized his choice of words, and knew from the look on her face that she caught them too.

"What do you mean _too_?"

"That didn't come out the way it was supposed to." He whispered and tried to smile to cover up the fact that his heart was slowly being trampled on by those he held closest to him.

"What happened with you and Michelle?" She asked putting his current choice of words together with the incident from the bowling alley.

"Nothing." He lied shrugging his shoulder, "So where's the chic flick were gonna watch?"

Olivia furrowed her brows, "I told you…I don't own any chic flicks."

"Right." Elliot smiled realizing it was pretty hard to trap her…she'd be a good perp to interrogate.

"Jump in the shower." She reminded him, "You smell like puke."

"Answer the question." He crossed his arms over his chest, "Are you leaving?"

"Elliot!" She barked in frustration, "I don't know!"

"How do you _not know_…it's a yes or no question, Liv." He furrowed his brows when the stench of her vomit on his clothes finally invaded his nose.

"Elliot…please!" she was begging for mercy.

It wasn't that he _couldn't_ give it to it was just that he _wouldn't_, "Answer me, Olivia."

"Fine!" She barked, "You want a damn answer?" She yelled storming to the office she use to share with Jonah.

"Oliv-"

"NO, EL!" she barked opening the door to the office and making her way to her desk as he stood at the threshold wishing he hadn't pushed her, he still really didn't understand what she meant by saying there was no baby, but from her demeanor, from the circles under her eyes, from the hatefulness that periodically showed its self in her face, he knew she'd terminated the pregnancy.

"Here!" she spat thrusting an envelope into his chest as she stalked off back into her own room knowing she'd just given him ammunition for round two.

Elliot read the letter and went after her, not caring that she was already in tears as he walked uninvited and unannounced into her room, "Your _resigning_!" he barked holding the letter tightly in his hands.

"That's what it says, doesn't it, Mr. Outstanding Detective!" she spat then arch her brows in shock as he ripped the resignation letter in half and placed it at the foot of her bed.

"You have no right-"

"Save the crap, Benson." He told her forcefully, but there was still something oddly loving about him and she could see it; and she hated him for it, but it was herself that she loathed for _wanting_ to see it.

"Oh why don't you ju-"

"Why are you leaving? Why are you running? Jonah would have your ass!" Elliot barked then wished he'd never brought Jonah into the conversation.

"Don't. You. Dare." She warned through clenched teeth.

"Then tell me!" He demanded.

"Because!" was all she could offer him.

"Because, why da-"

Olivia was in a full blown yell as she cut him off, the exhaustion and fear and frustration spewing out of her like poison, "Because I don't know what to do!" her voice turned raspy from the force she spoke with, "I don't want to get out of bed!" she pointed in anger as she spoke, "I don't want to take a shower, I don't want to go to work! I don't want to do anything," She continued to yell unconcerned that he was walking closer to her, "_except,_ eat my own gun!" she finally confessed in frustration as she ran her hand through her hair and blinked back her tears feeling his arms encompass her and pull her close.

"I didn't mean to upset you." He whispered stroking her hair, "I just don't want to loose you, Olivia…I can't." he confided in her, hoping she didn't press him further. When she sniffled and sobbed into his chest, he knew she wouldn't be pressing him further.

"Olivia?"

"We we're gonna be a family." She blurted softly.

Elliot held her tighter and asked one last question, "Are you still pregnant?"

"Does it matter?" she scoffed breaking away from him and looking at her shirt that had absorbed some vomit on it. "Damnit," She shook her head, "Give me you're clothes, I'll put them in the wash." She informed him wiping her eyes.

"You avoided my question." He whispered.

"Damnit Elliot!" she clutched her fist at her side, "There's no baby _anymore_…get it?" She barked trying not to cry and finding that the emotion was too much for her, "Why are you pushing me so hard?" She yelled, "Why can't you stop when I _ask_ you to?" she spoke in frustration, and suddenly pushed him has hard as she could, "Why do you have to care so much about me…YOU ASS!"

Undaunted, he approached her again, "Olivia-"

He saw her open palm cock back and swing just in time for him to grab her wrist and pull her back to him, "I'm not upset with you and I'm not your enemy," he whispered softly into her ear. "I didn't take him from you Liv" He said softly, "But, I'm willing to stand by you no matter what you put me through Olivia." He held her tightly as she began to squirm and protest.

"Elliot, let me g-"

"Shut up." He told her softly, "You're a good woman, you've made you're choices and I'll continue to support you…but you've got to work with me here Liv, let me help you."

She finally gave up and whispered, "I keep thinking Jonah is gonna be next to me when I wake up."

"I won't lie to you and tell you I know how that feels, but I will tell you I'll listen if you need to talk."

"Not now." She whispered, "I can't.'

"Okay." He smiled softly, "I know you have chic flicks around here somewhere, so how about you change your shirt and get a movie from your stash…I'll take a shower and you can torture me with some tear jerker movie."

Olivia smiled softly and wiped her tears with the back of her hand; "Put your clothes on the outside of the restroom door and I'll get them."

Elliot smiled understandingly and retreated to the shower.

After she heard the water running and the sound of the shower door opening and closing she pulled an old Pink Floyd shirt of Jonah's out of his dresser and pulled it over her frame. She moved quickly finding a pair of track pants in the recesses of his side of the closet and slipped into them pulling the drawstring and letting them hang precariously on her hips.

She shook her head when she got to the door of the restroom and noticed he had forgotten to put his clothes where she'd asked him too. She cracked the door, "Elliot?" she called to him but didn't hear a response. Deciding the steam would have covered the glass door by now she opened the door and walked in, a little too sure of herself, only to learn something very alarming about her partner.

Olivia stared wide-eyed and mouth agape at Elliot's naked form. It seemed he preferred cold showers. There was no steam to block her view and no matter how much her mind yelled at her to scoop up his clothes and flee she continued to stare as he braced his body against the wall allowing the cold water to pelt him, his eyes shut as he hung his head.

Sure she'd seen him with his shirt off at the precinct gym all the time, but she'd never seen him completely naked, much less completely naked in _her_ shower. Shocked…almost appalled that her body reacted to the sight of her best friend and partner she gathered his clothes and left, hoping and praying he hadn't known she was there.

She laid a pair of sweats and a tee that he had left behind when he finally stopped babysitting her right after Jonah's death. She scrounged around in the spare bedroom remembering that she had placed some of his left behind boxers in the empty dresser and retrieved them laying them next to his clothes on her bed.

When she finally reached the washing machine she knew her body was still flush. She chided herself for her body's reaction and growled in frustration at what she feared she was becoming. She'd often heard how women turn to meaningless sex and dead end relationships after their spouses died simply to fill the void. She shook her head and added detergent to the load then tossed in her shirt and his. She was just about ready to toss in his pants when she realized he hadn't emptied his pockets.

Olivia smiled, Jonah had done the exact same thing and she never managed to break him of the habit. She'd often find important equations and formulas that he had probably worked hours on shredded to bits inside the washer. The best she could manage was finally training him to put important papers in a briefcase if he was working outside of the house office, instead of folding them up and cramming them in his pockets, but she could still remember the time she found his jury summons in a perfect wad of faded glory at the bottom of the washer after they had searched the house for hours. She laughed remembering that, that particular day was the first time they'd made love on top of the washing machine.

She shook her head and got back to the task at hand. Pulling out his wallet she placed it in a small tray she kept by the washing machine so she could keep Jonah's things together. She pulled out his car keys and tossed them in the tray as well and when she was just about to toss the pants in she realized she'd missed one of the front pockets. She shoved her hand in furrowed her brows as her hands collided with a single piece of jewelry.

"Oh, no." She whispered pulling it out and placing the connection of the engagement ring in her hand and the hurt on Elliot's face at the bowling alley together. She'd bet her paycheck he proposed and was turned down. "Oh boy." She exhaled and placed the ring in the tray, closing the lid and setting the wash settings before returning to the living room and getting a DVD ready.

"Thanks for the clothes." Elliot smiled; completely oblivious to the fact that she would have had to enter the bathroom in order to put his clothes in the washer, or the fact that just the site of Elliot in front of her made her body flush again.

_What the hell, Olivia?_ She scolded herself. She should be mourning her husband, not getting all hot and bothered over seeing her friend naked, she'd seen a lot of her friends naked…so what if they were all girls changing in the locker room in high school…they were _naked_ and that was the key factor here. She finally convinced herself that she was okay.

"Hello? Earth to Benson…come in Benson." Elliot mimicked a dispatcher, "Ten Five, Station… have you seen Benson?"

Olivia blinked herself back into reality, "Shut up." She smiled softly, "Ready for a movie?"

"Yep." He smiled and flopped himself on the couch, "What did you put in? Beaches? Truth about Cats and Dogs?"

Olivia smirked and sat on the opposite side of the couch, "Nope." She grabbed the remote.

"Oh," Elliot smiled, "I suppose I'll be watching Simon Birch…or, wait, let me guess, A League of Their Own?"

Olivia pulled her legs up under her and pushed play, "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

Elliot arched his brows in surprise, "That's not a chic flick, Olivia."

"I told you," She turned out the light as the movie started, "I don't own chick flicks and I haven't seen this before so shhh."

"Bossy." He teased.

"Shut up.'

"No."

"Elliot!" She hit him with a throw pillow, "Shut your hole."

"Make me."

Olivia pressed the pause button and grabbed a pillow hitting him as hard as she could. "Hey!" He laughed, "Come on, that hurt."

"Couldn't of hurt that bad…you're laughing." She reminded him, "Now Shhh!"

"Alright, alright, but can I at least get a blanket…you forget to pay your heating bill or what?" he joked.

"Most people take warm show-" She froze feeling the blood drain from her face, then quickly stood, "I'll get a blanket, want a soda?"

"Yes, please." He eyed her suspiciously, "How did you know I take cold showers?"

Olivia closed her eyes and swallowed hard, "You're cool to the touch," She lied, "It's not very cold in the house…I assumed." She said hoping she covered her tracks.

_You're such a bad liar, I saw you looking at me_. Elliot smiled, "Oh…for a minute there," he smiled, "I thought maybe you had watched me or something." He shook his head and looked back at the television, "We gonna watch this or what?" he smiled knowing that that one simple sentence would eat at her all night long. _Next time, she'll tell me where the chic flicks are_.

_Fantastic_. She cursed under her breath and retrieved the down comforter from her bed dragging it behind her like a toddler would a security blanket as she pulled two soda's from the refrigerator and returning to the living room tossing the comforter and soda on his body as she made her way back to her seat cushion.

"Good thing you're not from the South." Elliot laughed getting comfortable and opening the soda.

"Why?" Olivia furrowed her brows in curiosity.

"'Cause your hospitality sucks." He chuckled and took another drink before setting it on the coffee table, "You gonna press play or what?"

"Ass."

"You love me."

Elliot found himself surprised that Olivia was completely engrossed in such a gross film. He smiled seeing her stare at the screen with eyes like silver dollars. Her slips slightly parted as she watched expectantly for the next scene to play out. He grinned as she talked back to the screen and asked him questions as to why the characters were stupid enough to actually do the things they were doing.

"I thought you said to Shhh?"

"Shut up." She smiled and stretched her bare feet across the cushion that divided them, it was something she'd done countless times with Jonah when her feet were cold and without thinking she'd slid her feet under his thigh.

Elliot froze, if she got any close under him, a very embarrassing problem was going to rise up, no pun intended of course. "Um, Liv?" he whispered.

"Oh crap!" She pulled her feet up, "I'm so sorry, I wasn't even thinking."

"No problem." He blushed, "You cold?"

"A little." She confessed watching as the characters on T.V. were walking into a house that she wouldn't have gone into with the SWAT team.

"Come here." He said in a tone that she could have sworn was a mixture of friendly concern and nervousness.

"I'm fine." She reassured him.

"Shut up, look at you, you're cold, come here, we'll share." He said raising the comforter and allowing her to sit closer to him.

Knowing she probably hadn't been held since Jonah died he wrapped his arm around her, "See, I don't bite and I even showered." He teased wanting her to know he wasn't trying to come on to her…or was he? He convinced himself that Michelle wasn't right, but maybe she was.

"Elliot?"

"Yeah?" he responded softly as they both stared wide-eyed at the screen, as a man with a chain saw suddenly appeared in broad day light.

"Could I ever do something to make you hate me?" she whispered almost consumed with the images in front of her.

"Nope." He responded simply thinking it odd that she would ask such a question but deciding not to push her any further.

"Thank you." She mumbled unaware that as the scene progressed she was tightening her grip on his abdomen and jumping just slightly every time the lunatic swung the chainsaw.

"For what?" he muttered back cringing at Olivia's nails digging in him and the fact that the young man running from the psychopath probably wasn't gonna make it.

"For not judging me tonight." She whispered looking up at him.

Elliot turned his face to her and shrugged, "Friends don't judge."

They both smiled at one another softly and turned back to the film just in time to see the chainsaw wielding freak swing and cut the leg off of the young man running from them.

"Oh Shit!" Elliot and Olivia cringed in unison and buried their faces in one another's embrace, forgetting the intimacy such an act would evoke between two lovers, then again, they weren't lovers…but could they be? He shook his head dismissing the thought.

She buried her face in his ribs, "Oh man, that looked really painful."

"Yeah," Elliot laughed, "just call him Pogo Boy."

They continued to watch in utter fascination and horror as the boy was placed on a meat hook. "Oh, that sucks." Olivia whispered into the atmosphere as she unknowingly had rested her fingertips just under Elliot's T-shirt, barley tracing the skin beneath.

He concentrated on the movements of her fingertips knowing that the shapes and motions were the same and then it dawned on him, as she started over again, J-O-N-A-H, she was tracing his name over him. Elliot exhaled softly knowing she probably didn't realize she was doing it, there's no way she would do something like that on purpose.

Elliot shifted and purposefully grabbed for his soda effectively making her move around just as a cop on the television screen was yelling frantically at two girls in the car and telling a young boy to shoot himself.

"I can't believe he's gonna do it!" Olivia screeched almost angrily at he screen, "if he shoots himself he's an ass!"

"Liv," Elliot laughed a little relieved when she settled next to him that her hands were resting on top of the comforter, "a cop is yelling at him…he's stressed."

"So shoot the cop!" Olivia offered as if it were obvious that was the only solution to the boy's predicament, "I'd shoot any cop who asked me to put a gun in my mouth."

Elliot smiled softly and held her a little closer knowing he would never have her.

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"That movie was gross." Elliot smiled as she stood to her feet.

"Yep…how's that for a chic flick?" She teased and looked at her watch, "We're gonna hate ourselves in the morning." She informed him.

"Well," Elliot smiled and handed her the comforter, "I'm gonna crash, see you in the morning."

"Elliot?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"Perfect, why?"

"Are you lying to me?"

Elliot furrowed his brows, "Have I ever?"

"When your hurting…yeah." She informed him and closed the gap between them, "I just want you to know that friendship works both ways, and if you need an ear…I've got two." She smiled softly and gave him a warm embrace, "Thank you for putting up with me Stabler, I'm sorry I pushed you."

"You bruised me." He smiled.

"Oh please." She smiled and rolled her eyes.

"Look." Elliot laughed pulling his shirt off before she could tell him not to.

She was shocked to see the beginning formation of the bruising form her shove, she was even more shocked that her body temperature was rising, _Olivia, you're not a child, cut it out_! She scolded herself. "I'm so sorry." She whispered placing her fingertips on the marks unprepared for the sensation that surged through her body once her hand collided with his chest.

Elliot saw it in her eyes, but he also saw the confusion, the self loathing and exhaustion in her eyes, he knew she just wasn't thinking as clearly as normal, he dismissed the current of desire that ran rampant within him as soon as she touched him, "Don't be." He smiled softly and put his shirt back on, "Night Liv."

"Night El."


	6. Chapter 6 First Date

A Beautiful Letdown

Chapter 6 First Date

Olivia finds herself looking through a book, in the gift shop, on anatomy, she laughs at the absurd price tag attached to it and decides that its worth it. She's had an odd fascination with science and the human body since she was a youth but is very aware that if any of the guys from work caught her in the science building today, she would be what she refers to as, royally screwed. As she moves through a short line in front of the register, she is intensely aware that the same man that has followed her throughout the museum is looking at her from a distance.

She hasn't decided if it's irritating or fascinating yet, but there is a part of her that wishes she'd brought her gun. She looks in the general direction of the muscular figure and is thankful that she's worn sunglasses in an effort to disguise herself. It wasn't that she was ashamed of her science fascination, she just didn't want to let people in on the secret, she didn't want to be viewed as a brainiac when she had everyone fooled that she was a tough as nails detective.

She hands the cashier her credit card and is happy to know that her book is on sale for ten percent off, but she knows that ten percent of eighty-nine dollars is crap, she smiles and signs the receipt taking a deep breath, knowing she has to walk out the door and past this creature that seems to have a peculiar fascination with her.

She pretends she is in a hurry and doesn't see him as she walks out of the gift shop, but when she opens the door to exit the museum she hears the click of his heels behind her.

"Excuse me?" his voice hits her eardrums and her synapse immediately tells her to stop, not because she's scared, but she's entirely intrigued.

"Can I help you?" she turns to look at him.

"You've got amazing chromosomes." He smiled.

She laughs at such a ridiculous statement, "Um…thanks…I think."

"I'm sorry," He laughed turning red, "I just…I saw you and-"

"And?" she deliberately makes this hard on him. He's shown her fear, and she will exploit it for her own entertainment.

"And… well, what field are you in?" he smiles shoving his hands in his jean pockets.

There is something about his eyes that have set her immediately at ease, while she would normally offer a nod of the head out of politeness and kept walking, there is something about him that has bewildered her state of mind…and she's fine with it, but as a result, she decides she can't tell him what she does.

"Forensics." She smiles and wonders if her beam has ever been so wide before.

"Ah, now that's fascinating." He smiles.

"And you?" Olivia decides to play along with him, "What's your field?"

"Chemistry, mostly research but occasionally I get bored and start to blow things up, its fun to be able to blow things up, not so fun when it happens unintentionally through, I once ha-"

"Am I making you nervous?" She asks, knowing full well she is.

"Am I that obvious?" he smiles.

"Well," she laughs softly, "You haven't even let me know you're name."

He blushes redder with embarrassment, and extends his hand to her, "I'm Jonah Matthews, science nerd."

She smiles at his nonconformity, completely not the type of person she would normally be interested in, yet her body refuses to move and her mind finds no reason to let him down callously…or gently.

"Well, Jonah Matthews," she shakes his hand, "I'm a _closet_ science nerd."

"Ah…haven't come out yet huh?"

"No." She smiles and taps the frame of her sunglasses, "I'm currently incognito."

He smiles, a perfect row of white teeth and she loves that his gray eyes are trying to find hers behind the dark lenses, she knows she could simply take them off, but wheres the fun in that?

"I see." He smiles as they start down the steps, "I don't suppose you'll be telling me you're name any time soon huh?"

She smiles at him and is surprised to find herself matching his slow stride through the parking lot. "I haven't decided yet." She tells him honestly. He might be cute, built and dorky in a sexy way, but the line of work she does forces her expect the worse, before making herself vulnerable to any man.

"Well, I suppose I'll have to name you after a dominant allele then?"

She arcs her brow, "Genetics…I'm impressed."

He smiles, "Lovely."

"That's not an allele." She blushes bright red, pulling her car keys out of her pocket as they start down the aisle where she's parked.

"I know," He confesses, "But it's a dominant trait."

"Wow…your smooth." She smirks.

"Endoplasmic riticulum…the smooth type." He says trying to be serious but the twitches in the corner of his mouth give him away and they find themselves both laughing chaotically in the middle of the car aisle.

She shakes her head trying to catch her breath, "That's got to be the cheesiest pick up line I've ever heard." She chuckles.

He furrows his brow and stares at her, "I'm sorry…who said I was picking up on you?"

Olivia freezes and she knows she's never been more embarrassed, she could have sworn he was flirting with her, "I'm sorry…I um."

"Yeah?" He grins, "Who's laughing now?"

It takes her a split second but she realizes she's just been had, and it makes her laugh even harder. She takes her sunglasses off and wipes the moisture from her eyes; her cheeks are tired from her grins.

"Wow." He whispers standing in shock of her.

"What?" She furrows her brows as he stares at her, he's searching her and while her brain is screaming for her to put her sunglasses on and return to her old GTO, she finds that her heart is overriding her system and so, she allows him to peer into her.

"You're beautiful." He whispers.

"You know," She smirks, "Some women would consider such a forward remark a little weird, almost…freakish."

"Well then," he smiles, "I'm glad you're not some ordinary woman."

"How do you know?" She smiles trying to suppress a giggle that she hasn't let loose in years.

"Well," he stops walking, only because she has, "When I first saw you by the display of embryology, I thought maybe you were here with someone, then I noticed you weren't."

"And that make me abnormal?"

"No, it makes you intriguing." he smiles, "I come here all the time and haven't seen anything or anyone as beautiful as you."

"Wow," She shakes her head, "does this normally work for you?"

"Your stubborn too, huh?" He laughs.

"Who me?" She points to herself playfully, "Nah, not stubborn, charming."

"Oh, is that what it is?" he consciously touches her arm playfully and she finds that she has no intention of fighting his touch.

"Well, Jonah Matthews," She smiles, "This is my car, so it seems it's time to go."

He arch's his brow at the crimson red GTO and looks at her, "Need for speed?"

"It's a hobby." She chuckles, "And you Mr. Mad Scientist? Are you protecting the environment with a Geo prism or speeding through life in a porche?" she asks knowing that you can tell a lot from a person and their car, rather or not they keep it clean, rather or not they keep up the maintenance on it.

"A little of both actually." He smiles and points across the way to his mode of transportation.

"A crotch rocket? Wow, now that really doesn't go with the whole science nerd motif does it?" she smiles.

"No," He laughs, "That's the Dr. Jekyle in me I suppose…or maybe the Mr. Hyde, I always forget which one is the bad guy." He confesses.

She smiles, "Well, I can't help you there, never saw it myself."

"Well then," he steps closer, "how about dinner and a movie rental?"

She raises her brow, "I don't know you…why would I come to your home?" she asks hoping he gives her a good reason why she should…so she can.

"Good point." He frowns, and then smiles, "Okay, how about dinner and dancing?"

"I don't like to dance." She smiles knowing full well she loves Latin dancing but seeing him squirm is fun.

"Okay," he furrows his brow in thought, "How about dinner and drinks?"

"I don't drink." That was truth…there were very few things that could make her drink.

"Wow, you're a tough nut to crack." He rubbed the back of his neck a sure sign that she was stressing him out.

"Do you have a pen?" she asks softly.

"According to you, I'm a nerd, what do you think?" He laughs withdrawing a pen from his shirt pocket.

She accepts it, "I think I've just proven my point." She laughs, "Give me your hand."

"What?"

She plays with him a little more, "It's a voluntary movement of the arm wherein you extend your hand to me." She teases.

He blushes and extends his arm to her as she writes on the top of his hand, "How about coffee and a walk?" she suggests as she pens her phone number onto him.

He looks at his hands and smiles, "How do I know what to call you, if you still won't give me you're name?"

She opens her car door, "If you really want to know my name you'll show, if you don't, you won't…and I'll enjoy my coffee anyway." She smiles and slides into her car.

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Olivia finds herself checking her watch after turning the grumbling engine of her car off and stepping out. She smiles to herself knowing there hasn't been a phone call from work yet and she is hoping there won't be. She orders her Venti white chocolate mocha and hides herself in a corner waiting and then finding herself holding in her laughter as she sees a helmeted man running down the sidewalk and past the door to the Starbucks entrance only to have to backtrack and enter.

She smiles watching him unfasten the helmet that is obviously giving him some difficulty but when he removes it she had to remind herself to breath when she decides he's gorgeous with tussled hair. She feels the hair on the back of her neck stand on edge as he makes his way to her with a smile that is so ridiculous its cute.

"Your late." She smiles as he sits across from her placing his helmet on the floor next his chair.

"Well," he blushes taking his rocket jacket off and setting it across his lap, "I tried to tell the officer I had a stunning woman waiting for me, he scoffed and still wrote me the ticket." He chuckled, "If I didn't know any better I'd say he didn't believe me."

"You got a ticket?" she smiled, "Are you kidding me?"

"Nope." He smiles withdrawing the ticket from his pocket and showing it to her, "Apparently, yellow means caution slow down, not 'hey, you've got three seconds to make the light'." He laughs.

"Wow," She smiles examining the ticket and making note of the officers name, "I have a friend who's a cop." She tells him feeling out his reaction.

"Oh yeah?" He grinned.

"Yeah," She shakes her head, "If you don't make a complete fool of yourself tonight, I'll see what I can do."

"Fool huh?"

"It happens." She smiles taking a sip of her coffee, "You gonna order something?"

"No, I'll have some of yours." He smiles testing the waters.

"What makes you think I'll share?" She asks a little shocked at his directness but intrigued nonetheless.

"Your honest." He shrugs his shoulders.

"Huh?" she furrows her brow.

"You look like an honest person…honest people share." He smiles, "They also…tell others their name."

"Ah…the name." She's suddenly a little more serious. "I lied to you."

"Huh?" it's his turn to furrow brows.

She's not sure why she needs to be upfront with him because she knows that as soon as she is he'll leave and ultimately that is why she wont bless him with the pleasure of knowing her name.

"I don't understand what you're saying? Can you clarify for me please?" he asks taking the lid off of her coffee and pulling the extra cup she's used to insulate the beverage with. She watches as he pours half of her coffee into his cup and sips it carefully, "Ooh, nice selection." He smiles and puts the lid back on her coffee, "Now, what were you saying?"

She looks at him a little shocked that hes not upset that shes lied to him straight out of the gates; she's even more shocked that he's taken some of her coffee…that he's felt comfortable enough with her to do so. "I'm not in forensics." She confesses seriously.

"Oh yeah?" he takes another sip and then smiles, "Tell me you're not in genetics…I made a fool of myself yesterday." He blushes.

"I'm not in forensics or genetics…well, not exactly anyway."

"Okay, so what are you in?"

She takes a deep breath, "I'm a cop."

"Really?" he smiles and without missing a beat he holds his ticket back up, "Think you can make this go away?"

She laughs softly, surprised that he is accepting of her profession but then again she hasn't been specific, "A detective actually, but I know someone in traffic." She reassures him.

"A detective?" he leans into her and extends his legs brushing against hers lightly, "Wow, a lady detective, that's amazing you must be disciplined."

She looks at him intently trying to calculate when he'll pull the carpet out from under her; she decides he'll show no interest, or too much interest as soon as she tells him the exact profession she does.

"So," He shuts his cell phone off in an effort to reduce any potential distraction, "Whatch'ya in? Robbery? Homicide? Oh I know…narcotics."

"No." She laughs picturing herself storming a house with weapons drawn looking for drugs.

"K-9?"

"That's more traffic than detective." She clarifies for him.

"Oh." He shrugs, "Well, when you want to tell me I'm sure you'll enlighten me."

She narrows her eyes at him in shock and decides he may be worth exposing a small part of her to him, "Sex crimes." She finally confesses what she knows is branded on her soul.

"Really?" he smiles, "How do you like it?"

"Excuse me?" she looked at him in shock, no one has ever actually asked her that.

"Your job…how do you like it?"

"I've done it for six years…it's rewarding." She says through a faint smile.

"Good!" he grins polishing off his coffee, "I'm glad you have a job you enjoy, I'd die if I had to do something I didn't like."

She leans back in her chair wondering why God has chosen to smile on her tonight with this man. She licks her lips in nervousness as she watches him look at her through gray eyes that are entirely accepting she smiles softly, "Olivia.'

"Come again?" He asks her.

"My name…it's Olivia Benson." She grins.

"Well Olivia Benson, it's good to meet you." He said reaching across the table and covering her hand with his, "You up for that walk?"

"Sure." She smiled.

"Well, how about Central Park?"

"A little far away." She scrunches her nose.

"Funny you should say that." He smiles, "I brought an extra helmet." He tells her and asks her at the same time.

"You want me to get on the back of a bike built solely for speed with a man I barely know?"

"Thought speed was your hobby?" he smiled.

"Well then," she grins, "I certainly hope you walk the walk."

"I've got the ticket to prove it." He grins standing and placing his hand on the small of her back as he ushers her out of the café.

She's a little surprised that his touch doesn't bother her. She usually prefers to get to know the people she dates a little better before there is intimate touch, and to her, caressing the small of her back, is intimate. She's not use to being touched, not used to being paid so much attention to. She finds that its not bad…and she's enjoying herself.

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She strapped the helmet strap under her jaw and kept the visor raised as she watched him straddle the bike and talk to her over the warming engine, "Most girls' daddies tell them never to get on a motorcycle with a boy, didn't your daddy tell you that?" he smiles and then frowns when he sees the flame in her eyes extinguish. "You okay?" he asks.

"Yep." She lied, not wanting to tell him that she knows nothing of her father other that his sins. She lowers the visor and straddles the bike following his instructions to hold onto his waist and lean only when he does.

"Ready?"

"Always." She smiles very much aware that the way she is force to sit on the bike is entirely sensual. She feels the outline of his abdomen as she tucks her hands into his jacket pockets, serving as warmth and leverage. She lowers her body closer to his, aware that her chest is against his back and she decides that she likes it.

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"Oh that was amazing!" She grins raising the visor to her helmet as soon as he pulls the bike along side her car.

"I thought for sure you'd get scared on that wheelie," He laughed helping her undo the strap to her helmet, "Imagine my surprise when you asked me to do it again."

"Hey," She laughed stepping back as he got off of the bike, "I told you I like fast."

He placed his own helmet on the seat of his bike and ran his hand through his hair, smiling as she handed him hers.

"What's so funny?" She asked him furrowing her brows.

"You've got helmet hair." He smiles taking a step closer to her and when she doesn't move away he finds he is confidant enough to gently smoothen out her hair, "Happens to the best of us." He whispers looking at her and making a mental note of the pain she tries to hide in her eyes, of the fearlessness she tries to exude but he sees through.

"I had a good time." She whispered softly darting her gaze from his eyes to his lips not entirely sure she was comfortable with his proximity. She is shocked and at the same time completely flattered and desired that he gives her a calm kiss on the corner of her mouth, seeking nothing further as he steps back and smiles.

"I had fun…what are you doing tomorrow night?"

"Well," She smiles looking down at her shoes, "I was kind of hoping I'd have a date with this really cute nerd but…he hasn't asked me out yet." She teased.

"Well," he shrugs his shoulders, "Let me know if he does." And turns to walk away. He takes a few steps and then turns back to her grinning at her shocked expression, "Oh," he smiled, "Were you inferring that I was the nerd?"

She closed her eyes and laughed, "I think you may be colder that I am."

"Me cold?" he points to himself playfully, "Nah, not cold…wintry."

"Wintry?" She laughed, "What are you a thesaurus?"

"Possibility," he grinned, "How about, Saturday morning? Do you work?"

"I'm on call, I schedule things with the understanding I may have to bail before or during." She smiles apologetically.

"Okay, well," he withdraws his pen, "Give me your hand,"

"What?"

He mocks her, "It's a voluntary movement of your arm wherein you extend it to me." He grins as she rolls her eyes playfully.

"Comic relief too, huh?"

He ignores her, but smiles, "How about you tentatively schedule us for Saturday morning breakfast at seven and then…a motorcycle riding lesson?"

"Really?" He asked wide-eyed.

"Yeah, well, unless you can't hang."

She smiles devilishly, "You've got no idea what I'm capable of.'

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"Earth to Olivia." Casey rubs Olivia's shoulder to get her attention, "Hey," She grins, as Olivia seems to come back into reality, "Where were you?"

Olivia shook her head and blushed taking a sip of her coffee as she hid herself in the corner of the café, "Sorry, I was thinking about something." She says sadly.

Casey looks around the café and knows exactly what she is thinking about, this is the same café she points out to Casey each time they walk by it, "Thinking about you're first date with him huh?" she whispers softly, although she doesn't know what it feels like to loose a spouse, she does know Olivia is hurting, which is why when she asked to have coffee with her, she immediately cleared her schedule.

Olivia smiled sadly, her eyes were dull and puffy, her cheeks sunken in as she spoke, "We use to come here every Tuesday night after I got off work. With my schedule, Jonah was really insistent we sat aside a night to just talk and catch up with one another, he was good like that." Olivia explained trying to keep her tears at bay but knowing from the stinging in her eyes that it was very evident she wanted to sob bitterly.

"Olivia," Casey covered her hand with hers, "how can I come alongside of you and help you? I've tried to call but haven't heard form you."

"I'm sorry." Olivia confesses, "I just," she shook her head trying to gain her composure, "I just, wanted to-"

"Be alone." Casey sighs, "I know honey, but you can't push us all away, we love you, we want what's best for you…Elliot says you're doing better?"

"Yeah," Olivia chuckled sarcastically, "I shower once a day now."

"How can I be there for you Olivia, what can I do for you?" Casey asked.

"I need to ask you something," Olivia sniffled unwilling to shed a tear even in the presence of a friend, "I need you to not judge me."

"Okay…ask away." Casey smiled encouraging her to go ahead and ask.

"About a week ago, I had a friend over."

"Okay."

"I love my husband." Olivia spoke softly.

"No one is questioning that." Casey assured her, "Olivia," She smiled, "It's completely obvious how much you and Jonah loved one another…why do you feel you have to defend it now?"

Olivia played with her coffee cup, smiling softly at the extra cup she used as insulation, knowing that for the past three years Jonah had used it to force her to share her coffee with him. She never asked him why he just didn't buy one, sitting there now she wonders why she didn't. "I feel like I've cheated on him."

"What?" Casey furrowed her brows, "Honey, you're not making since."

"I…I um, slept with someone right after Jonah died."

"Okay."

"Okay?" Olivia furrowed her brow, "Jonah wasn't even gone a month and I whored myself out to some nameless Guy." She protested.

"Olivia," Casey's voice calmed her quickly, "I can assure you that whomever is in your bed…is your business, and I refuse to cast judgment on you…especially considering the circumstances of just loosing your husband, I'm not excusing the choice you made but I'm tell you I understand it and I don't condemn you." She smiled softly finding it odd that Olivia was entirely soft in her presence, offering no snide remark, no rebuttal to mask her hurt. "Can I also tell you that you didn't cheat on Jonah…that's not you, not your style, Olivia."

"I wanted to feel him." Olivia whispered.

"I understand and you don't have to justify yourself to me…but can you tell me what this is really about?"

"What?"

"I see it in your eyes Olivia, there's something you want to say…say it." She encouraged her.

Olivia toyed with her wedding ring, "I had a friend over last week," she started her original story again, "and…it's hard to explain, but I feel like I've crossed a line with him, I feel like I want him, but I know who I really want is Jonah." She stopped there having no desire to tell Casey it was Elliot she was referring to.

"You feel bad because you're attracted to Elliot?"

"Elliot?" Olivia pretended naivety.

"Olivia…spare me sweetie, he's the only one that you've let near you since Jonah has passed away."

Olivia blinked her eyes closed and pawed at the tears that fell, "I feel like some sort of…of…some sort of whore."

"Olivia," Casey smiled in compassion, "You've just lost a man that taught you to redefine yourself, a man that you loved unconditionally and who loved you unreservedly…you have to know that your emotions are going to be all over the map…it's normal to be attracted to people."

"I was always faithful to Jonah."

"Nobody has questioned your fidelity…do you want Elliot?" Casey asks purely out of personal curiosity.

"No," Olivia shrugs, "I've never really thought about him that way…the job…no reason to think about it."

"Maybe that's why you feel so caught off guard…does he have feelings for you?"

"No, I don't think so." She smiles softly, "I think he's just showing me that he's a concerned and incredibly stubborn friend."

"Then what's the problem? You see him naked or something?"

Olivia froze and whished she could control her blush.

"Wow…I guess that answers that." Casey laughed softly, "Olivia, your being too hard on yourself…if I saw Elliot naked, hell, I'd want him."

Olivia laughed at the concept, "You two hate each other."

"Yeah, well…never said he didn't have a nice body."

"Hey, stop, I'm a visual learner." Olivia chuckled.

"Olivia," Casey was more serious, "Stop beating yourself up, how long has it been?"

"Two Months." She whispered back.

"That's not a long time," She reaches out and strokes her arm in assurance, "It's okay to be confused right now, it's okay to have mixed emotions and unexpected thinking…but it's not okay to shut out those of us who love you and want to be there for you."

"I know." Olivia agrees softly.

"Then let us in your life again, Olivia." She chuckles softly, "Hell, return a phone call every now and again…Elliot sucks as a middle man."

"You don't think I'm some sort of whore?"

"I think you're a woman under a tremendous amount of stress, a woman who has had a lot taken form her and I think you're a woman who's made a couple of fuzzy decisions, do I think you're a whore? Nah," Casey grinned, "Harlot maybe but not whore." She teased.

Olivia laughed at the humor, "Thanks for nothing!"

"Well, if I would have given you helpful information I would have had to send you a bill." Casey grinned then grew serious; "There's nothing wrong with you, Olivia…your hurting…lean on Elliot lean on me, on those of us who love you."

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"Well don't you look all a glow." Munch smiled peering over his glasses as Olivia walked into the bullpen.

"Yeah," She smiled weakly, "I guess puking up your morning breakfast does that to a girl huh?"

"What ever keeps you looking good, Liv."

"Spare me, John." She smiled faintly as she rested her head on her desk.

"You look like crap." Elliot informed her opening a can of seven up and placing it in front of her.

"Well I guess that's a step up," she mumbled taking the soda, "considering I feel like hell."

"What's wrong?"

"My stomach is killing me." She moaned running a hand through her hair.

"Flu? A couple of the guys are out with it."

Olivia looked at him closely ashamed of who she was, "Yeah," she whispered, "The flu."

"Well," Elliot sat in his own desk and pulled out a thick red case file, "Look, Liv, I know you don't want to do this until your ready, but I thought you should know…they closed Jonah's case."

Her eyes misted as she looked at him and took the file into her hands, "I know." She whispered depositing it immediately into her workbag.

"You know?"

"His life insurance company," she massaged her neck in nervousness, "settled with me last week."

"Oh…you didn't say anything."

"It's kind of morbid, don't you think…I mean your husband dies, and a company writes you a huge check and tells you thanks for doing business." She shook her head and wiped the excess moisture from her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Liv."

"Don't be." She shook her head in frustration, "Why does everyone keep tell me they're sorry?" she snapped standing up and fighting the nausea that was taking over her body again.

"Liv, I didn't mean to sound like I was pitting you." He assured her.

"This is _Jonah's_ fault." She barked retrieving her pen from her desk and slamming the drawer shut before she walked back to the filing room.

Elliot waited several minutes before he got up and walked into the filing room, he watched her move quickly through files not being able to find the right one, "Liv." He closed the gap between them and rubbed her shoulders gently, "What file are you looking for?"

She exhaled in exhaustion, "The Bedford case."

"Your in the 'A' section." He reminded her as he opened the appropriate cabinet and withdrew the file.

"Why is it his fault, Olivia?" he asked softly as he handed the paper to her.

She closed her eyes and shook her head, "He wasn't suppose to be at an inner city school…we agreed after the stabbing at PS34 that he wouldn't do inner city schools again, he'd stick to the private schools and the schools that were safer…he wasn't suppose to be there." She whispered tossing file on the cabinet and scrubbing her hands over her face.

"Can I ask you something?" Elliot looks at her wondering if she's capable of more conversation.

"Sure." She exhales.

"Is that what you meant when you…um…found him…you asked 'what the hell were you thinking'…is that what you meant?"

"Yeah." She shakes her head softly.

"Liv." Elliot furrowed his brows, "Are you sure he wasn't suppose to be there that day."

"Of course I'm sure Elliot, Jonah wouldn't lie to me." She hissed.

Elliot moved to the 'M' cabinet and pulled out the original case file he had just handed Olivia a copy of. He opened it an confirmed what he already knew, "Olivia, there's a problem somewhere."

"What?" She furrowed her brows and looked at the file, "What problem?"

Elliot pointed to a sheet several pages after the first page that had Jonah's picture on it, "This is a list of places he has presented to for the last year, we pulled it off of his palm pilot."

"So?" She shook her head feeling as if she wanted to vomit, she wasn't exactly sure why the room was spinning but she wished to hell it would stop.

"Look at the schools Liv…every single one of them are inner city schools." He whispered.

Olivia furrowed her brows and read the list, "Why would Jonah lie to me?"


	7. Chapter 7 Butterfly Metamorphosis

A Beautiful Let Down

Chapter 7 Butterfly Metamorphosis

"Butterfly Metamorphosis?" Jonah smiled sitting across from Olivia who folded down a page of her book before placing it on the table.

"Problem?" She grinned as he kissed the corner of her mouth.

"You're a nerd." He teased, "Cute…but your _definitely_ a nerd."

"_Closet_ nerd." She corrected, "Besides, I pulled it from your bookshelf at the office."

"Thief!" He teased, "Perhaps I should call the police?"

"Yeah," She grinned, "And while you're at it ask them to locate your embryology book too."

"You didn't?" He grinned in shock.

"Sure did." She smiled.

"Four dates and your robbing me blind, huh?"

"Well," She winked, "You didn't think you could have me for free did you?"

"Wouldn't dream of it." He grinned, then informed the waitress of what his selection was as Olivia followed suit.

"So, shameless enough to read in a restaurant, huh?" He grinned teasing her.

"Only because my date doesn't understand punctuality."

"Oh, I _understand_ it," He assured her, "I'm just exercising my freedom to not be controlled by the clock."

"Oh is that what it is?" she smiled brightly.

"Well, that and I got lost." He grinned.

"You got lost?"

"Yeah, well I'm not a New Yorker? I've only been here about a year and like I said, my life consists of my lab, the museum and well, now…you."

She laughed, "That's pathetic."

"Not pathetic…cute."

"Why do you do that?" She smiled in curiosity.

"Do what?" he frowned.

"Your like a thesaurus…synonyms, antonyms…why do you do that?"

"I don't know what you're talking about?" He blushed reaching over and taking her cherry tomato from her plate.

"Did you just steal my tomato?"

"Um…yeah, actually I did." He grinned.

"Yeah, well, good job try trying to distract me…answer my question, why do you play with words, what's the fascination?" she smiled in curiosity.

"Don't laugh?" he asked.

"Can't guarantee anything," she smiled, "but I'll try."

"English isn't my first language."

"Bull!" She blurted.

"No really," he laughed, "um…I'm from Russia, moved to America when I was five…it took years to drop my accent, I've always carried a pocket thesaurus or dictionary with me." He grinned, "True sign of a nerd. huh?"

"Bull!" She repeated, "Prove it."

"Prove it?" he furrowed his brows.

"Yeah, prove it." She challenged him.

He smiled reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a thin line thesaurus, "Is this evidence conclusive detective?"

She grinned, "I don't know about _conclusive_ but its certainly funny."

He deposited it back into his pocket and then nodded to the book she was reading, "So, how is it?"

She furrowed her brow, "It's your book, haven't you read it?"

"No." He smiled, "Someone stole it before I could…I'd just bought it a couple of days before you raided my stash."

"Want me to tell you about it?" she smiled leaning over the table.

"Please." He chuckled extending his leg under the table so that it rested next to hers.

At his contact she smiled softly, and nodded, "A caterpillar will spend its whole life crawling around looking for a perfect branch to make her cocoon."

"I wander what it thinks about?" Jonah whispered softly, so soft she wondered if the thought was meant for her ears. She smiled to herself suddenly just as curious to know the thoughts of a butterfly crawling around looking for a branch.

"The caterpillar will then make the cocoon on the back of a leaf…protected."

"You need protection." He stated simply.

"Excuse me?" she furrowed her brow.

"Nothing," he smiled, "Continue please."

She wasn't sure she liked the fact that he could read her as well as he interpreted data on a daily basis, but on some level she like it…craved it. "While in the cocoon the butterfly will liquefy…literally become nothing."

"You feel like your nothing."

"What?" she shook her head as the waitress placed a platter of pasta in front of her and a plate of chicken in front of him.

"I see it in your eyes Olivia…you're an amazing creature, but you don't really believe it do you?"

She narrowed her eyes at him, not sure if she should smile for being found out, or slap him for making an assumption about her, she decided to continue, "Slowly the caterpillar will begin to take a new form and emerge from her cocoon."

"She emerges into a more intricate beauty." He smiled at her.

She nodded slightly, not exactly sure if she'd just described the book she was reading…or her life to him, "Yeah," she whispered, "Something like that."

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"I can take a cab." She grinned at him as he insisted she shouldn't be about in the city by herself.

"Nonsense." He declared, "I have the bike…it's cheaper and more environmentally friendly than some beat up cab."

"I'm wearing a skirt." she reminded him raising her brows and grinning as she pictured the idea of her riding a bike in a skirt.

"Well," He smiled, "I won't look if you don't look."

She laughed, "Come on, I'll walk, I'm only three blocks away."

"Three blocks? Jump on." He grinned pulling her to follow him to the bike.

"What makes you think I'd want you to know where I live?" She teased as he handed her the helmet.

"Cause your honest." He shrugged.

"We're back to that?"

"Well, honest people are fair…you've been to my office, seems only fair I could at least know that building you live in." he grinned.

She told him her address as she pulled the visor down. She smiled as he turned around so she could straddle the bike in her skirt without showing what color panties she was wearing. She blushed feeling like a school girl but when she was certain she was decent she gave him the all clear only to be relieved when he removed his rocket jacket and draped it over her lap allowing her to tuck it under her thighs, "It'll keep you're legs warm…and hopefully you'll be a little more comfortable." He smiled knowing she was a little apprehensive about the situation.

"Ready?" He smiled starting the bike.

Olivia reached around his waist feeling the warmth of his body, "Always."

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"Jonah, you don't have to walk me up." Olivia laughed handing him his helmet. _Unless you want to._ She smiled to herself.

"I'd feel better knowing you got inside your apartment safely."

"Mr. Protector, huh?"

"Well," He smiled, "That and I'd like to see your apartment, see what makes you…you."

"Ah," She smiled, "Nosey."

"Not nosey," he grinned, "inquisitive."

"Well Mr. Inquisitive, even if you walk me to my apartment door…what makes you think I'd let you in?" she asked for the sole purpose of hearing his comeback.

"Because, secretly…you want to invite me in, you just don't want me to think that your some easy chic…and," he took a step closer to her and hooked her index finger with his own, "you don't want me to take advantage of you…and I won't."

Shocked, all she could offer was a, "Huh."

He took her by the hand and smiled, "Come on detective, let me walk you up?"

Olivia smiled and gave in, it had been a cardinal rule of hers after a reporter she dated went through her files, to never bring someone she was dating into her apartment, but maybe rules were meant to be broken.

"It's just an apartment." She said nervously as they stood outside of her door.

"It's yours…I want to see." He said honestly.

She exhaled, "Fine." She finally resigned and unlocked the door.

"Wow…neat freak." He teased walking into the apartment.

"With my schedule…it's sort of…clean as you go, can't afford to get behind on it." She informed him tossing her keys on the counter and watching him move about her apartment.

"A Puzzle?" He smiled, "Didn't figure you for a puzzle dork."

She rolled her eyes, "Not a puzzle dork…an insomniac."

"Nightmares?" he asked seriously.

"Comes with the territory I'm afraid." She smiled wryly.

"If you need to talk…" He said softly, not finishing his sentence but knowing she knew what he meant.

"Thanks." She smiled.

"Who's this?" He asked picking up a picture of her and her mother.

"My mom." Olivia smiled softly.

"Wow…you don't look anything like her, you a daddy's girl?" he asked playfully…innocently.

She cleared her throat and gently took the picture and replaced it on the mantle, "It's getting kind of late." She whispered softly.

"Olivia?" He placed his hand on her shoulder, "I just hurt you didn't I?"

She turned and smiled, "No, its fine…my mother passed away awhile back is all." She lied, fact of the matter was, it felt like he'd just stabbed her with a chainsaw and then poured cleaning alcohol on the gaping wound.

He caressed her cheek gently, "I'm sorry."

She smiled against his caress and gently lowered his hand, "No need to be."

"I'm forgiven?" he smiled softly.

"Not forgiven," She said thinking of something different, "Pardoned."

"Well, thanks Warden."

She laughed at his humor, "You make me laugh."

"You make _me_ laugh." He whispered wrapping his hand around her waist and gently touching her jaw line, "Can I kiss you?"

She glanced away, no one had ever asked, they simply took. She smiled softly, shook her head gently, "Yeah." She whispered.

He smiled like a toddler just given a tootsie pop and cut loose to run through the house. He was gentle with her, kissing her lips softly before sipping from her bottom lip. She rested her hand on his hip, the other on his cheek as he slid his tongue gently over into her boundaries, exploring her tenderly. While most men would have been pawing away at her breast by now or trying to unbuckle her jeans, he sought her out innocently, letting his tongue caress her mouth, before sucking softly on her top lip and releasing.

Eyes closed, they rested their foreheads against one another; she smiled at the closeness, at the fact that at thirty-five years old she very well may have just experienced her first _real_ kiss. Yes there had been others, but this was entirely different, it wasn't charged with lust, it was stimulated by innocence…a true desire to know one another

"It's getting late." He whispered, "I'll let you get your sleep."

She smiled softly, finally had enough nerve to open her eyes and see him looking carefully at her, she pressed her lips against his one more time in an effort to memorize them so that her brain might bless her with a pleasant dream during the night. "Thank you." She whispered, she wanted to tell him thank you for the night, for the ride home, for the respect of not taking advantage of her, but she settled for thank you, somehow knowing he would understand.

"What are you doing tomorrow?"

Olivia smiled, "I'm off."

"Want to go out with a scientist?" he smiled.

Olivia kissed him gently on the corner of his mouth, "Yeah."

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Olivia stared down at the thesaurus that she'd withdraw from her glove box, Jonah had given it to her that night, the first time he kissed her, he told her if she stood a chance in a vocabulary dual with him, she'd have to freshen up. She flipped through the pages as she waited for the Camaro to warm up. She saw the dogged eared pages that she would read to him on trips into the country, underlined words that she would try to one up him on.

Frustrated, she tossed the book on the passenger seat and stared out the window, "Why did you lie to me Jonah?" she brainstormed trying to figure it out but drawing a blank, it was such a trivial thing to lie about when they were so ruthlessly honest with one another. She pushed in the clutch and shoved the shifter into reverse, in search of something to fill the deepening void within her.

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Elliot placed the last of her things in a box and set it down in the foyer just as the doorbell rang, he swallowed his pride and hid his bruised ego with a smile as he opened the door to his apartment, "Michelle, how are you?"

Her green eyes squinted at his obvious fakeness, "I'm okay…I just need to pick up the stuff that I left here."

"Come in?" Elliot asked softly, "We can work through this."

"Elliot…I need my stuff, don't make this harder." She pleaded with him.

He bent low, gathered the box into his arms, "So just like that, huh?"

"Yeah, just like that." She whispered taking the box into her arms, "I can't keep sitting second chair to your partner Elliot."

"She lost her husband, Michelle."

"And you lost your girlfriend." She reminded him, "I see how you respond to her, how your eyes light up when she walks into the room, how you try to sit next to her, how your hand touches her softly."

"She's my friend Michelle-"

"Your in love with her Elliot!" She blurted, "Your eyes don't light up for me, for crying out loud you know everything about _her_ but you don't know anything about _me_!"

"That's not true." He protested.

"Oh really?" She asked incredulously, "What size jeans does Olivia wear?"

"Six…what does that have to do with us?"

"What size do I wear?"

Elliot thought for a second, "Seven?"

"Four!" She pressed her lips together; "You know the size of her pants Elliot!" she ran her hands through her hair in frustration and then exhaled, "I'll see you around."

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"What's your name?" The tall man she led into her home asked.

"Is that really what your here for?" Olivia asked tossing her keys down on the table of her home.

"Well, usually it's the woman who wants to know the names and the man who wants a meaningless banging session." He quipped.

"Well then," Olivia smiled and tugged at his shirt, "you'll be happy to know I'm a woman who supports equality, and all I'm looking for is a meaningless banging session." She assured him.

"Wow," he grinned, "Jack pot." He chuckled pulling her body close to him, and ducking down to kiss her, to which she turned her mouth away, "What is it?" He furrowed his brow, "Second thoughts?"

"No." She lied, fact of the matter was she was having a million thoughts all of which told her that another round of meaningless sex with an anonymous partner wasn't going to solve anything, but what was she to do with the fact that Jonah lied to her? In the past, they sat down, talked their problems through and then always had fantastic make up sex. "Please," She whispered, "you can do anything except kiss me."

He furrowed his brows, "Do I have bad breath?"

"No." She smiled faintly, "it's just a little too intimate for me, and we both agreed that this is suppose to be meaningless right?"

He smiled at her logic and traded her lips for the flesh of her neck roaming the terrain of her body until she found herself, blouse opened, pants pooled around her ankles, as he dropped his own to his thighs and pinned her to the wall, in a matter of a few short lived minutes it was over and she was standing ashamed of herself as the doorbell rang.

"You expecting someone else?" he asked hiking up his pants.

"No…wait here." She exhaled pulling up her own clothes and making her way to the door, opening it only to feel herself want to vomit, "What are you doing here Elliot? It's past midnight."

"Can I talk to you?" He asked through glassy eyes, "I brought food." He laughed softly then frowned looking over her shoulder.

"Your married?" The man behind her asked in surprise.

Olivia closed her eyes whishing she could slither away and die, "No." she whispered.

"I'm sorry." Elliot furrowed his brows, "I…I didn't mean to intrude." He turned to leave.

"No! Elliot! What's wrong? You look like crap."

"It's nothing…I'll see you at work tomorrow."

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Elliot opened the box of Chinese food and grabbed a set of chopsticks; he tossed the framed picture of he and Michelle in the trash as he made his way into the living room. Pushing play on the DVD player he ate straight from the box as he sat in his boxers…a bachelor…again.

He was in the middle of the sweet and sour pork when there was a knock at the door causing him to loose control of the chopstick and dropping the pork down his naked abdomen. "Great." He murmured as he stood up and walked to the door, looking for something to clean himself with but coming up with nothing.

"Elliot! Wake up!" The pounding was louder, he looked at his clock and groaned opening the door to a freshly showered woman.

"Olivia, it's two in the morning."

She furrowed her brows, "What the heck is all over you?"

"I Spilled food on myself." He groaned turning away to clean himself in the kitchen.

"Elliot, you came to my house at midnight, looking like death warmed over and then you just split…what's going on."

He washed his abdomen with a rag as he spoke, "I didn't just take off…you were…busy." He snickered.

"Shut up!" she snapped, "Don't you dare try to throw something in my face!"

"What's gotten into you Olivia?" He barked turning suddenly to stare at her.

She crossed her arms protectively over her chest and set her jaw ready for a fight, "I just drove clear across town," She said calmly, "to make sure your okay, if your going to be an ass to me I'll leave…don't make this about _me_ Elliot, I already know I keep messing things up, this is about _you_! Don't be a hypocrite by not letting me help you."

Elliot leaned on the counter supporting his body with locked elbows as he hung his head, "Your right Liv, I'm sorry."

"Your damn right, I'm right." She smiled softly at him, "Look, you asked to talk to me," She told him softly, "I came to talk."

Elliot exhaled and picked up a carton of Chinese food, "Hungry?"

Olivia picked up a set of chopsticks and tapped the ends together, "I'm all about comfort food."

Elliot slid the carton to her and gently covered her hand as she grasped it, "I'm sorry, I was rude to you."

"It's two O'clock in the morning…I saw it coming." She assured him, "It's not like you saw me it the…brightest of lights either." She confessed.

Elliot pulled her close and hugged her tightly, "I'm so sorry." He whispered.

She chuckled softly, "El, I'm a big girl, it hurt, you apologized, I forgive you, let's eat."

Elliot laughed, "Make your self comfortable." He smiled and returned to his room to re emerge in sweats and a crew neck. "Hey, don't eat all the shrimp…save me one for crying out loud." He laughed.

"Sorry," She blushed, "I got the munchies."

"I'm just playing with you…I don't really care for the shrimp actually." He said sadly.

"Oh yeah?" Olivia furrowed her brows, "Why do you order it then?"

"Why do you pour out half of your coffee?"

She shook her head softly understanding what he meant. During the last two months Olivia found herself pouring out half of her coffee and more recently her chocolates. It was something she did because the absence of the liquid reminder her of Jonah, just as the carton of shrimp reminded him of Michelle, "I see." She said softly diving into the carton of garlic chicken he was holding with her chopsticks, "Want to tell me what happened.

"Not really." He frowned.

"Okay." She smiled knowing he would just need a little time, that sometimes, with Elliot, it was just being in the presence of people that understood him that made him feel better. "What were you getting ready to watch?"

"Unbreakable." He responded simply.

"Bruce Willis?" She tried to remember the main character.

"Yeah, Samuel L. Jackson." He said softly, "Not your type though…no blood and guts." He laughed.

She chuckled, "M. Knight right?"

"Yeah."

"Definitely my type…roll it!" she smiled as he picked up the remote and pushed play.

It was right around when Bruce Willis' character asked if he'd ever been sick that Elliot suddenly blurted his misery.

"Michelle left me." He whispered watching the film.

Olivia pressed stop and turned to face him. She rested her hand on his thigh, "I sort of though that's what happened."

"How?" he furrowed his brow.

"El, I did your wash…the ring…you didn't put it together when you got your stuff of the washer?"

"Ugh no…my detective radar was having a brain fart obviously."

"What happened?"

"I proposed."

"I figured that part out…she said no?"

"Yeah." He shook his head sadly.

"Why?" Olivia furrowed her brow.

"Ahh," he shrugged his shoulders, "she said I wasn't in love with her." He offered her a half-truth knowing she couldn't handle the full one…not now.

Olivia exhaled, "Chics are weird."

"Tell me about it." Elliot smiled softly, "Liv?"

"Yeah?" She responded licking the garlic sauce from her lips.

"What happened to you tonight?"

She blushed, cleared her throat and whispered, "Elliot-"

"I'm not trying to invade your personal life Olivia…but what's happening?" he asked softly.

She slid the carton onto the coffee table and felt herself turn red with embarrassment, "I don't know." She said honestly, "It's like…. it's…I get into these moods where I feel so down, so…unable to function." She whispered absently drumming her fingertips over her abdomen, "I just want Jonah back so bad." She sniffled.

Elliot moved to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, "Hey," he smiled softly, "I wish I could make it all go away Liv, I wish I could see that spark in your eye again, but I can't."

"It's not your responsibility." She whispered resting her head against his shoulder.

"You're my best friend Liv…I'll share any burden you have…if you let me." He assured her.

"Are you offering me free sex?" She teased.

Elliot froze, "What? No…no…I…um, I'm just-"

"Elliot!" She laughed, "I was playing with you…chill out."

Inwardly he exhaled, "I know, I was just following your lead."

"Liar."

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Olivia stood frustrated, ashamed and completely lost in front of her mantle, starring at pictures of a man whom she loved, the first person she'd loved. She stared at the picture of him giving her a piggy back ride and remembered how happy she was which was completely opposite of what she was feeling at that precise moment.

The anger came from nowhere when she ran her forearm across the photos sending them careening into the wall shattering at they hit the floor. She closed her eyes fighting back the tears, deciding that it was simply more depressing to cry alone than if someone were with her, not that she normally preferred onlookers.

Exasperated she retrieved a dustpan and hand broom and walked over picking up the largest pieces first and then starting to move the pictures themselves to safety when she froze. She squinted her eyes at the small black chip that looked as though it had been stowed in one of the frames. She picked it up carefully knowing it wasn't hers, but also knowing that the only ones with access to these recent photos of her and Jonah were…her and Jonah.

She turned the chip over in her palm and recognized its compatibility with Jonah's palm pilot. She frowned trying to figure out exactly why Jonah would have hid a memory card in a photo frame. She stood to her feet forsaking the glass for the time being and withdrawing the paper sac she'd retrieved from the morgue.

Olivia placed the contents onto the bed and it finally dawned on her that the palm pilot was missing. She read the property list that Warner had filled out stating what was in his possession at the time of the shooting. Knowing he goes everywhere with his palm pilot, she expected it would be on the list, the only problem was…it wasn't.


	8. Chapter 8 Let Me In

A Beautiful Letdown

Chapter 8 Let me in.

"Have dinner with me." Jonah grinned boyishly as he caressed Olivia's face in his hands.

"I've been having dinner with you for the last two months," She smiled, resting her hands on his wrists, "I think we've ran out of restaurant choices." She laughed softly.

"Well," Jonah rested his hands on her hips, "we haven't eaten at my place."

"My Place?" She frowned, "Where is that, I've never heard of it."

Jonah smiled and kissed her mouth softly, "I mean _my_ place, have dinner with me at my house Olivia."

She looked away, tensed slightly, taking a step back, "Um-"

"Olivia, why do you keep declining my offer to come to my house?"

"I'm not…um…I'm a-"

"Olivia," he stepped closer to her, "you're an amazing woman, I won't overstep my boundaries, I just want to have dinner and a movie with you in the comfort of my home…join me?"

She can't explain to him that it's not him she doesn't trust…it's herself. She can't explain that she's scared she'll overstep her boundaries and ruin whatever it is they may have going by sleeping _with_ him…and then running _from_ him. She takes a deep breath and takes a chance, "What time?"

"Wow…your coming?"

"Yeah," She forced a smile through her nervousness, "But only if I get to pick the movie."

"Deal."

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"Mary Shelly's Frankenstein?" Jonah smiled as she placed the movie on the counter.

"Pizza?" She grinned nodding to the box on the counter.

"It's your favorite." He smiled softly, closing the gap between the two of them, "Everything but the little fishies."

She laughed, resting a hand on his chest, "You're a good man."

He rested his forehead against hers and whispered softly, "Remember that, when you want to run from me."

"Excuse me?" She took a step back, shock clearly written on her face.

He smiled softly, "I can feel how nervous our relationship makes you…I think maybe you're a runner when things get intense, I'm just asking that you remember what you just said when and _if_ you have those thoughts."

"Why do you …how do you know me so well?" she whispered looking down at his tiled floor.

He closed the gap between them, tilted her face to his as he rested his hand on the small of her back, "I know enough to know that I want to know everything…but I won't push you." He assured her. "I've set across a dinner or lunch table with you almost everyday for two months, I've listened." He whispered tucking her hair behind her ears.

"To what?" She asked softly.

"I've listened to the fact that you don't like green beans because they feel furry in your mouth, I know you have a fascination with embryology and butterflies, I know that you started to carry that thesaurus with you in the hopes of finding me in a verbal quandary, but I also know things that you've tried to keep hidden." He confessed.

She furrowed her brow, uncomfortable, and ashamed that he was able to read her, because that meant that it was possible that others could read her…that she was exposed. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do." He reminded her softly. "Olivia, I want to know you, but the only way for that to happen is for you to let me in...I won't leave you."

Olivia swallowed hard, "I don't know what your talking about…I've been honest with you."

"Only because I haven't asked the questions that would make you lie."

"Oh yeah?" She said in an effort to call his bluff…hoping he was bluffing, "And what questions would those be?"

"Why do your eyes die when I ask you about your father?"

She looked away, determined not to let him see her eyes mist, she reached over and pulled her keys off the counter, "I have to go."

"Your running."

"It's late." She protested.

"It's five O'clock in the evening." He said pointing to the clock.

"I'm tired." She lied, fact of the matter was she was actually excited to spend time with him in his own place, once she had rented the movie. She walked to the door ready to open it.

"Olivia?"

She exhaled, resting her hand on the door knob, head hung low in shame unable to look at him, "What?"

He walked to her, rested his hands on her shoulders and kissed her neck softly, "You didn't look at my place," he whispered softly, "let me give you a tour?"

"I can't." she sniffled.

Jonah covered her hand on the doorknob, holding her waist soothingly as he rested his chin on her shoulder, "This is the front door." He smiled, gently pulling her hand off of the knob and taking her through the house, "Living room." He told her softly, still sensing she wasn't relaxed.

"You've got good taste…for a nerd." She laughed sadly. Letting her eyes investigate his personality. The furniture, sleek and modern, black and white photography spaced at eye level, an obvious fan of Ansel Adams with a side of Jerry Ulsemann.

"Want to see my playroom?" he asked with a grin.

"Playroom?"

"Yeah, come on." He smiled taking her hand and leading her down the hall. "Here it is." He chuckled opening the door and letting her step in.

"Wow." She grinned looking around, "You've got a lot of toys."

"I like to play." He shrugged.

"A Cannondale?" She furrowed her brow pointing to the bicycle hanging on the wall.

"You know bikes?"

"Yes and no." she smiled softly, "I read entirely too much…Armstrong won in 95' on a Cannondale didn't he? The same year one of his team mates died in that high speed decent?" she asked out of curiosity but soon was distracted with something more interesting. "Is this a homemade barometer?"

"Yeah." He laughed, "How did you know that?"

She shrugged, "Closet nerd."

"Olivia?"

"Yeah?" She responded still looking at the various gadgets. She was just about to ask him about the gumball machine when he cut her off.

"I'd like to eat pizza with you." He told her softly, embracing her from behind, "I'd like to watch that movie with you."

She turned to him, exhaled in defeat and slowly nodded her head, "Alright."

He smiled, kissed the corner of her mouth and walked with her back to the living room. "Take a seat, relax…want something to drink?"

"Surprise me?" She asked, "I'll put in the DVD."

Jonah moved about the kitchen watching as she carefully navigated her way through his electronic set up, determined not to ask for help as she searched through various remote controls, he spoke to her from the kitchen as he placed a slice of pizza on a plate for her, "Why are you so interested in the Tour de France?"

She shrugged, kneeling before the television pushing various buttons in hopes of the film starting, "I never learned how to ride a bike."

"Bull!" he responded placing the pizza on the coffee table followed by a sprite.

"Truth." She blushed. But smiled in victory when she finally got the DVD player to respond to her fingers commands.

"Woaw…deprived childhood, huh?" He teased…then whished he hadn't when her smile faltered. "I'm sorry, that was stupid of me."

"No," She smiled in an effort to cover her shame, "I had a bike once…the next door neighbor gave it to me for a Christmas present but I didn't understand balance and my mom was…a busy person, so…eventually it ended up in a thrift store." She informed him as he sat next to her with a gentle smile allowing her to change the subject. They ate in friendly laughter, while the movie waited patiently to be cued. "How did you know I'd drink a Sprite?" she asked knowing she never told him her preference.

"Like I said, you can learn a lot just by observing." He smiled.

"Must be the scientist in you."

"Must be." He blushed.

Eventually they found themselves stuffed, "What's with the pizza fetish?" He asked playfully.

"I don't know," She shrugged, "What's with keeping your house five million degrees below zero?"

"Is it cold in here?" He furrowed his brows then noticed the goose bumps on her flesh.

"How do I say this nicely," She smiled, "It's colder than the ice witch's tity in a brass bra."

They laughed hysterically, at the joke, and then at the fact that neither could catch their breath, he finally managed, "That…was…the dorkiest…thing I've ever heard."

She wiped the moisture from her eyes, "Yeah, well, if you want to hear anything else from me you'd better either turn up the heat or get a blanket, 'cause I don't care how good the movie is…I'm not watching it in an ice box."

"Pushy." He teased.

"Dynamic." She corrected with a smiled.

"Ooh," He grinned, "Good synonym."

"Should have never given me the book Jonah…you have no idea what you've done." She smiled as he retreated to the hall.

"Hey, Olivia?"

"Hey, Jonah."

"Can you put in a popcorn? It's in the cupboard above the microwave."

"Man," She teased, "A girl has to do everything around here."

"Oh save it." He responded lightly as he disappeared into his room, re emerging with a black down comforter.

"Here, ya go." He smiled draping it over her, "You know," he teased whispering in her ear, "you could have at least put the popcorn in a bowl."

She smiled; capturing his lips playfully before he could straighten, "Yeah, but then I couldn't have done that…decisions, you know?" she winked.

"Intoxicating." He murmured walking to the kitchen.

"Fascinating." She countered.

"I've created a monster." He laughed shutting the lights off as he playfully flopped onto the couch. "You pushin' play or what?" he asked mischievously reaching for some of the blanket.

"Hey," She grinned and arched her brows, "Who says I'm sharin'?"

"Olivia," he smiled with all the charm he could muster, "It's five million degrees below zero in here."

She rolled her eyes trying to suppress the smile but failed miserably, "Turn up the heat then."

He sat up, pulling her close to him and wrapping them both in the blanket, "That's what I was trying to do."

She laughed softly, not so sure what to do with herself.

"It's okay Olivia…I'm not gonna bite you…just want you to rest against me, I'd like to hold you, if you're okay with that." He asked softly.

Olivia rested her head against his chest aware of his smooth and steady heartbeat, "You pushin' play or what?"

He smiled, pushed play, and sat back enjoying the feeling of her body resting against his. She took in his scent and mumbled to herself, "Euphoria."

"Excuse me?" he whispered as the movie started.

"Your wearing Euphoria?"

He smiled, "Your good…Samba?" he asked in regard to her own scent.

"Wow…nobody catches that one." She smiled reaching over to the bowl of popcorn.

"Hey," he pulled it away playfully, "Who says I'm sharin'?"

She laughed in shock, "You know…your just a little more ballzy than I normally like."

He squeezed her tight and whispered intimately next to her check, "But you do like?"

She felt herself blush, "Yeah, I like…now do you think I can get some popcorn?"

"By all means." He smiled, absently rubbing her arm with his fingertips as they watched a rather pale looking Julia Roberts on screen.

She popped a handful into her mouth and then froze furrowing her brow at an unexpected taste in her mouth, "What the hell?" She mumbled finally swallowing.

"What's wrong?" he asked allowing her to sit up.

"What was that?" she asked trying to detect the taste still in her mouth, "Chocolate?"

"Oh shoot," He groaned, "I'm sorry," he apologized, "I normally put M&M's in the popcorn, I'm sorry, I should have asked." He tried to stand, "I'll make a fresh bag."

"No." She laughed softly, pulling him back down next to her, "I just wasn't expecting it…it's actually pretty good."

He rolled his eyes, "Then what are you complaining about?"

"Oh, shut up." She smiled, resting her head on his chest again as they continued to watch, his hand absently tracing shapes on her ribs as her fingertips managed to rest against the exposed flesh of her waistline, inattentively tracing his name.

It was somewhere between Julia Roberts' character finally figuring out what was happening to the good doctor, and retrieving organs for the doctor, that Olivia whispered a confession for only him to hear.

"I don't know my father."

He followed the line of her arm and interlaced his fingers with hers, "Yet your still a beautiful woman." He whispered softly.

She blinked out a silent tear, allowing his shirt to absorb it as she gently squeezed his hand, and continued to watch the film. Neither exchanged another word. He left it open for her to initiate conversation; she took her time formulating what she wanted to say. As the credits begin to roll, she felt him shift slightly under her, "Am I crushing you?"

"Nope." He smiled tucking her hair behind her ear as she rested her chin on his abdomen looking straight up at him, "Your trying to tell me something…what is it?"

She searched him for motive, came up with only concern, searched him for deceit and came up with only affection, "My mother was raped…nine months later…I was born." She confided.

With out missing a beat he smiled softly, caressing her face, "Which just proves that miracles can come out of even the worst situations."

She exhaled, "But if she had-"

He covered her lips with his thumb, "Olivia Benson, don't you dare try to justify your existence, you're a beautiful creature, inside and out, I don't care how God got you here, I just care that you're here…with me."

She looked at him for a long moment, "Your not repulsed?"

"Nope, nor am I nauseated, revolted, or disgusted." He assured her, "I think that covers all the synonyms…give me some antonyms."

"Jonah, come on." She groaned.

"Give em'…unless you don't know any." A challenge.

She arched her brow, "Delighted."

"That all you got?" He smirked, "How about, enchanted, thrilled, elated, overjoyed…those are the things I feel when I see you…when I hold you…when I kiss you."

She closed her eyes taking in his words and resting her head back on the plain of his body, "Thank you." She whispered.

"What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Haven't you learned by now that I have Saturdays off?" she asked playfully.

"Well…stay with me tonight." He whispered.

She froze.

"Olivia?"

"Jonah…um, look, I like speed, I like fast…_except_ when it come to relationships, I always end up crashing and burning." She confessed lowing her gaze from his, "Please don't be upset."

He laughed at her wonderful misinterpretation; "I don't want to have sex with you."

She arched her brow, "I'm gonna go ahead and pretend that you _accidentally_ just insulted me."

"Oh don't get me wrong," He corrected her, "I look forwarded to making love to you…but for now…if you need to stay in the slow lane, I can put myself on cruise control." He laughed, "All I wanted was for you to spend the night…take my bed, I'll camp out on the couch, tomorrow we'll catch breakfast and I'll teach you how to ride a bike."

She laughed, "I almost wrecked your motorcycle, remember?"

"Yep." He smiled, "But you didn't, and bicycles are much easier."

"I don't have any clothes to wear." She said softly.

He smiled, "I've got some shorts and a tee you can slip into and I'll through your clothes in the wash…they'll be clean in the morning."

She gave a lopsided smile and met his lips softly with her own, "Thank you for understanding me."

"You're not complex…just quiet…got to listen a little more to what your really saying, is all." He assured her, "Come on, let's get you clothed."

She laughed as he pulled her up and led her to his room; "Wow…you're calling me a neat freak huh?" she smiled pointing to his open closet, "There must be a million ties in here."

"I prefer to look nice when I work."

"I thought you work at home?"

"I do." He assured her rummaging for boxers and a shirt, "But, I find if you dress nicely, it tricks the brain into thinking your doing something important…makes it work harder."

"Bull."

"Probably." He smiled, "But I look good." He laughed, "There's an extra toothbrush in the medicine cabinet, showers yours if you want it, towels are on the rack, and if you just toss your clothes out the door I'll toss'em in the wash for you."

"Um, Jonah?" she blushed.

"Um, Olivia."

"Can I put my clothes in the wash, please?" She asked slightly uncomfortable handing over dirty panties to him.

"Sure thing, let me know when your ready."

She smiled in relief, "Thanks."

After all was said and done, showers were taken, teeth polished clean, clothes placed in the washer, and then the dryer, a gentle kiss good night was shared before she retreated to the bed and he pulled out the bed from the couch. She smiled then winced, hearing him groan softly as he climbed in, no one should ever have to suffer the uncomfortable embrace of a sofa bed.

She grew restless as the time past by her and sleep still hadn't graced her. She stared at the clock, an hour had past, she could faintly hear his breathing in the other room and then it dawned on her, she wanted to be next to him, she wanted to feel his arms holding her, protecting her. She'd never sought out such things from another person, but he'd freely and compassionately offered it to her.

Frustrated and cold, she climbed out of the bed and padded softly into the living room, she smiled seeing him sleep, on his side, one arm draped over the empty side of the bed, he'd managed to keep one leg uncovered sleeping only in his boxers. She could tell in the moonlight that he was muscular, but it was his back that showed more. She squinted her eyes tiptoeing closer to see a battleground of torn flesh, healed over with new skin as if someone had flogged him with a cat of nine tails. She winced, and then padded to the other side of the bed.

In a move uncharacteristically Olivia, she pulled back the comforter and raised his arm slipping her body in as close to him as possible without waking him up. She felt him pull her closer, his chest against her back then heard a playful whisper, "Did you make a lane change detective?"

She covered his hands with hers as they rested possessively over her abdomen, "Well," she whispered rubbing her fingertips along his hands, "I'm not in the fast lane yet…but I'm pretty comfortable in the drive lane."

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Breathing was hard, as another nameless creature withdrew from the cradle of her hips, on the uncomfortable mattress of her sofa bed.

"Don't think I've ever had sex on one of these before." The man smiled.

"Yeah?" Olivia caught her breath, "Well, I'm pretty sure you wont have it on this one again."

"Ouch…do'em and bo'em huh?" He frowned.

"Come on, buddy…that was as meaningless as dog crap on a pair of new shoes."

"Harsh." He said standing to his feet.

"Cruel." She whispered.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing…bye."

"Can I have your name, hell maybe a telephone number?"

"No…go." She said miserably…shamefully as she stood to her feet clothing herself in a sheet and retreating the shower to wash yet another encounter off of her, but as much as she tried, she knew she could never wash it out of her, a permanent stain on her soul to which there was no purifier.

She heard the door slam as she stepped under the scalding water, sobbing bitterly. She lost count of the nameless men that contaminated her soul at her own request since Jonah died, she thought it was probably around twelve maybe thirteen but since the one guy with the curly blond hair and green eyes was a repeat offender she'd lost count.

She caressed her abdomen in shame, regret and humiliation as she slid down against the tile of the shower sobbing into her hands. Eventually, the water became like cool sleet hitting her body, to which she didn't move…didn't care. She thought she heard the dogs bark, and the front door open. The cop within her told her to move quickly, but the shattered woman inside her told her to stay and let the perp kill her as she continued to weep bitterly into a puddle of indignity on the floor of her own shower.

Not even the sound of her own name being called through the door of her room could cause her to regain composure, not even as the voice grew closer to her, did her body offer a hint of modesty or pride, she simply sat on the floor, naked and bound by her own sins.

"Olivia." Elliot's voice came again knocking on the door of the shower, "Liv, what's wrong? I called and you didn't pick up, I've been in the house for half an hour are you okay?"

"Leave me alone." She said softly.

"Liv," Elliot shivered from the coolness coming off of the water, "Liv, it's got to be freezing, your gonna get hypothermia." He informed her.

"Good." She whispered through chattering teeth.

"Damn you're stubborn." He grumbled, pulling a towel off of the hook and reaching into the shower as he kept his face away, feeling blindly for the knob, as he turned the water off. He held the towel out in front of him careful to keep his eyes behind it as he draped it over her body and picked her up off of the cold floor of the shower, "Damnit, Liv, your freezing."

"Leave me alone." She muttered.

"Shut up." He responded making sure the towel was properly tucked around her body so there were no embarrassing mishaps.

"I'm cold." She whispered barely audible.

"That tends to happen when you sit in an ice cold shower like that Liv…what happened?" he asked softly caressing her face and looking into eyes that were completely void of the woman he once knew.

"Why are you here?" She shivered.

"You made plans with me, remember…Star wars marathon?" he reminded her.

"You hate Star wars."

"Yeah, but you love it." He smiled softly retrieving a nightshirt from her dresser and a pair of panties and pants, "Arms." He informed he as if she was a child.

"I can do it." She mumbled shivering.

"Then do it." He told her handing her the shirt.

"I'm cold." She shook her head staring at the shirt.

He pulled it from her, "You're stubborn is what you are."

"Obstinate." She whispered.

"What?" he furrowed his brows, "Arms." He told her again scrunching the shirt and allowing her to slip her arms into the sleeves so he could pull it over her head and down around the towel, "put these on," he said handing her a pair of panties, "and these." He informed her handing her a pair of flannel pants.

She managed to slide into both as she held onto him finally pulling the towel away from her body and revealing a fully clothed body that was shivering uncontrollably. "Come on." He pulled her quickly to the bed and pulled back the covers, "Get in, now."

"No." she muttered.

Frustrated he grabbed her and forced her into the bed.

"I hate you." She whispered as he toed off his shoes and slipped in behind her, pulling her as close to him as possible and tucking the covers in around her body.

"You can tell me you hate me all you want Olivia," he spoke softly, "And I will keep telling you I love you, and I'm your friend and I'll do anything for you." He assured her feeling her cold body steal heat from the warmth of his. He brushed her damp hair back seeing the shiny sheen of tears that had fallen silently. "I love you Olivia, you're a good woman, what's going on inside of here?" he asked stroking her head, "What's happening here?" he asked touching her heart careful not to graze her breast, "Tell me…let me carry this with you."

She turned in his embrace as a sob escaped her throat, she buried her face in his chest, "Please make this go away."

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Olivia slid into the passenger seat of the patrol car, "Why do we always get the crappy stakeouts? This isn't even our collar it's Munch's."

"Yeah, but Munch called in sick and Cragen needs us to sit on him, so…we sit on him." Elliot informed her taking a Styrofoam cup from her and sipping it. "Wow," He frowned, "They screwed you on the order."

"What?" She frowned taking a sip and wincing, "Crap…here." She said trading cups with him and sipping form the other.

"Chocolate?"

"Yeah."

"No Coffee?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Change of pace I guess, my stomachs bothering me- probably getting an ulcer." She shrugged, "Plus it's easier on the teeth."

"Oh." He responded taking a sip of his coffee. "Liv-"

"El, I'm sorry about last night…I don't…I don't know what's happening to me." She confessed looking out the window watching the people go by, looking at anything other than his eyes.

"Tell me what's happening Liv…let me in." he said softly covering her hands with his.

She took a deep breath, resting her head against the headrest, "Elliot I-"

Before she could finish her confession, the sound of a bullet sliced through the air, tearing into the security of their squad car, the sanctity of their conversation…and the flesh of Olivia's body.


	9. Chapter 9 Home With Jonah

A Beautiful Letdown

Chapter 9 Home With Jonah

"Evil." Jonah smiled as they walked along the beach.

"Easy," Olivia smirked, "iniquity."

"Okay…beautiful?"

"Stunning."

"Nope." He stopped, and smiled softly. "Olivia."

"What?"

"_Olivia_…that's my synonym."

She blushed, "You're a dork."

"But a good looking dork nonetheless right?"

She smiled nuzzling his nose playfully with her own and kissing him softly, "Yeah, defiantly a sexy dork."

"Wow…seven months, and you finally think I'm sexy." He laughed wrapping his hands around her waist.

"Who says I didn't know it from day one?" She teased lifting his shirt in the back just enough for her fingertip to graze his skin.

"So, you've been holding out on me, is what you're trying to say?"

"Well, couldn't have a well known scientist such as yourself, walking around with an inflated ego." She teased, softly caressing his bottom lip with her own. Allowing her fingertips to walk further up his back knowing she would get the same response she always does the moment she touches his scars.

"Mmm," he groaned, "Please don't."

"Okay." She whispered caressing his face with her hands, "I hope you'll tell me one day though."

He exhaled pulled her close to him, "Olivia…"

"Jonah."

"Love?"

"Adore." She whispered, allowing him to continue holding her, although this time there was something different. After seven months she knew his body, knew his heartbeat, and today it was beating entirely too fast. She rested her hand above his heart and waited for him to speak just like all the nights he had waited for her to confess something trivial…something significant.

"Olivia, how do you…" he trailed off again and if she didn't know any better she'd say he was nervous.

"How do I what?" She asked with a smile looking up at him, "How do I take my eggs? Scrambled."

He laughed softly, "That's not what I was going to ask you."

"What were you going to ask then?" she asked, and then suddenly became very much aware of what was happening between the two of them. Seven months and they'd never said it to one another, although his actions screamed it to her. She held her cards a little closer to her vest, even though she'd felt it for months, and known it for just as long. "Can I tell you something first?" she whispered knowing that he wasn't breathing like he normally does, it wasn't carefree; it was nervous and shallow.

"Okay." He whispered looking down at her, "What do ya got?"

She looked up intently at him, knowing that what she has to say has never fallen from her lips before, has never graced another mans ears, and is scaring her half to death. She hooked her hands on the back of his neck, kissed his affectionately on the mouth and rested her forehead against his, she took in a deep breath and made herself vulnerable, "I love you."

His grin was uncontrollable as he pulled her closer, "I've waited to hear that." He whispered, feeling her exhale in relief as she rested her head on his shoulder, "I was trying to tell you something though…you know…before you cut me off." He teased her, smiling at her shocked expression. She turned to leave but felt him grab her and pull her back to him, his hand delicately tracing the contour of her jaw, "I was trying to tell you I loved you since the day you shared your coffee with me…I was trying to tell you I love you, Olivia."

She blinked out a tear as she smiled, "I didn't share…you stole." She sniffled, kissing him again, deeper, more passionately, charged with seven months of playful communication, of deep conversation, of gentle caresses that all led up to this specific moment, that she let herself enjoy. She willing gave up her control to him, willing surrendered herself to him only to find that he loved her enough to give it back to her, as he caressed her mouth with his own. Separation came with two of the goofiest grins either of them had ever seen.

"That grin suits you." He teased.

She kissed him gently back, "Looks pretty good on you too." She smiled then found herself yelping at he picked her up and ran with her into the surf line taking them both under the water, then back up.

"I can't believe you just did that." She laughed, splashing him with a wave of the hand.

"Denial usually indicates an addiction." He grinned stepping closer to her, the sand caressing his feet as he moved.

"Addiction?" she challenged.

"Obsession." He offered.

She stepped closer, "Craving?"

"Nice one…need…got something that can top that?"

She whispered softly, "Longing."

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"Oh come on!" Olivia groaned shivering as she read the 'out of order' sign on the elevator.

"Oh man…that's three flights, it's too cold for three flights." He laughed.

"Serves you right, for getting us wet." She laughed, "Whose genius now?" she teased as they started their walk up the stairs, dripping here and there as they moved about.

"I think the cab driver was a little irritated with our drippage." He laughed putting his arm around her shoulder as she rested her hand on his side just under his shirt where there were no scars…where he would accept her touch.

"Drippage huh?" She laughed, "That's not a word."

"Yeah it is."

"No its not." She smiled, "You made that up in hopes of finding me in a verbal quandary."

"I'm insulted." He grinned.

"Yeah…but I'm right."

"Alright I give…you got me." He whispered, as they stood in front of her door. "Your off tomorrow."

"Well give the man a cigar," she teased pulling him closer by his jeans, "he finally remembers…and it only took him seven months." She whispered kissing him playfully.

He laughed against her mouth, "I thought maybe you and I could stay up past your bedtime and order in, and watch some movies…or you could kill me again in chess."

She laughed, "I'm really surprised you suck so bad at that game, its all strategy."

He shrugged and kissed her mouth, "If I can't blow it up, it's not fun."

She shook her head, and unlocked her door, "Chinese?"

"No pizza?" He frowned.

"Na…you're always sacrificing for me, I know you got a Chinese food obsession," She laughed as they walked into her apartment, "jump in the shower," She informed him as he pulled her close again kissing her neck softly, "I'll get the clothes you left here the other day and I'll order the food, what do you want same thing?"

"Yes, please." He smiled, kissed her again, "With a side of you."

"Oh, shut up." She grinned, "Showers waiting…and don't use all the hot water either."

"Demanding."

"Challenging." She countered.

She managed to stay in her wet clothes, teeth chattering but unwilling to change into other clothes just to change into another pair once she got her turn to shower. She ordered the Chinese food, and was pulling out some DVD possibilities when she heard the steady hum of the shower stop and she remembered that she didn't get his clothes ready.

She darted into her room and pulled out his track pants and T-shirt he used the day he taught her to rock climb. She smiled remembering that she was literally paralyzed with fear being that far off of the ground even if it was an indoor wall. He had wormed his way over to her, and stuck with her through every hand reach and foot hold until she reached the top.

She pulled out the clothing and approached the bathroom door only to see that the door was slightly ajar and he was toweling off quickly. He shifted and she almost gasped at the scene of his chest in the mirror, scars, mangled flesh like that of his back, and she was a cop long enough to know the residual effects of a gunshot wound when she saw it.

She took a step back, "Jonah?"

"Yeah?"

"I've got your clothes." She said hoping her voice sounded normal.

"Okay, can you put them on the counter for me?"

"Yeah."

"Olivia…you okay?"

"Yeah." She said softly then knew she had to change the subject before he caught on, "But if you don't hurry up I'm gonna get hypothermia and die a miserable death."

"Dramatic." He laughed.

"Theatrical." She countered.

Eventually roles were reversed and she found herself under the warm stream of the shower, the beach was always a fun time for the both of them, but the sand…she whished God would have rethought the sand.

She stepped out of the shower throwing on a pair of flannel bottoms and a small camisole to cover her bra. She stepped out into the pleasant aroma of sweet and sour pork and pork friend rice, "Wow," She grinned, "That was fast."

"Yeah, the delivery boy didn't exactly take kindly to me paying with wet money." He chuckled, handing her a plate of food.

"Wow, service and a smile, huh?"

He grinned, "Oh by the way…there is no way we're watching a chic flick."

She smiled, "I have a feeling you'd watch whatever I put in."

"Possibility."

"Truth." She grinned, "But alas," She exhaled, "today it's just you, me, and Roger Rabbit."

"Excuse me?" he grinned.

"What?" She laughed, "I've never seen it, I rented it the other day…pl-pl-plweeze?"

"Oh no…not an impersonation." He groaned but the fact that he was with holding a smile made it fun, "Alright, but if this gets out-"

"You'll still love me." She waggled her eyebrows as they ventured off into the living room, the blanket she started keeping on the back of the couch eventually found its way over their bodies as their empty plates rested on the coffee table.

"That was a funny movie." She smiled as the credits started to roll, "Thanks for suffering through it…even though I think you laughed more than I did." She raised her brows.

"I wasn't laughing," He protested, "I was doing an ab workout."

"Oh your so full of crap!" she laughed, "Come on help me clean this place up." She smiled pulling him up as they cleared the coffee table. Dishes were done in laughter as he stood behind her covering her hands as she washed then rinsed. And occasional kiss on the neck was given here and there until the task at hand was complete.

"Hey," She smiled turning in his embrace as she dried her hands on the dishtowel, "can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Can you fish?"

"Yeah…why?"

"Could you teach me one day?"

He smiled, "You have to bait your own hook…which means you have to touch a worm."

"Okay, I know…but you'll teach me?"

He grinned, "Yeah." He responded kissing her delicately on the mouth, "better get some rest, I thought we could go on a hike tomorrow."

She smiled softly, but didn't move, something about his proximity towards her was entirely arousing, "Yeah." She whispered feeling the flush creep across her face.

He kissed her forehead softly, "Good Night."

"Good Night." She responded as she watched him stretch out on the sofa as she turned to go slip into her bed. Starring at the ceiling, something within her stirring, an innocent desire to make love to him, to have his body over hers, to feel his breath against her flesh. She searched her motive for lust and found only an innocent desire to connect with him.

She slipped out of her bed realizing now that in all of her thinking and searching an hour and a half had past. She padded barefoot down the hall to his sleeping form and kissed his mouth softly causing him to stir into reality, "Olivia?"

"Hey, were you sleeping?" she asked playfully knowing full well he was.

"Yeah," he teased her, "I had this wonderful dream that I found the cure for Cancer."

"Sorry, I ruined it for you." She smiled kissing him again, "I can't sleep."

"Nightmare?" He asked sitting up on the couch.

"Not exactly…no." she whispered taking his hand into hers and leading him back to her room.

"Olivia," he furrowed his brows, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She smiled softly as they stood at the foot of her bed, "But…I think I'm ready to make that lane change now."

"Why, _detective_," he grinned, "are you saying that you want to make love to _me_…a nerd?"

"Yeah." She whispered, "Unless its not what you want…I mean…I…I hope this isn't forward." She started to chicken out until she felt his lips against hers, his hands at the small of her back. His tongue slid stealthily into her mouth a gentle moan vibrating on her lips before he pulled away.

"I don't think it's forward, I think its perfect." He kissed her softly again, "I wasn't going to make the first move…I didn't want you to think I was only after sex." He smiled pulling her closer to him as he kissed her again, the sweetness of her mouth, and the touch of her hands against his five O'clock shadow made him smile against her lips.

"What's funny?" She whispered trailing her hand along the contours of his shirt.

"Nothing…you taste sweet." He smiled and emitted a gentle laugh.

"You taste like chocolate." She whispered, "Were you in my stash?"

"Yeah." He confessed gently sliding her shirt up and over her body casting it off to the floor and looking at her eyes that sparked like he hadn't seen before. He took her lips back into the warmth of his sipping softly from her and trailing her lips with the softness of his tongue as he slowly made his way up the tone valley of her back, stopping at her bra strap and unhooking it.

He broke the kiss for the sole purpose of stepping back to look at her, to marvel at the creation that stood before him. He gently rested his hand on her breast, grazed her nipple with his thumb, and watched the muscles of her neck move fluidly as she arched back at his touch, felt his mouth move over the length of her neck, first down and then back up to her lips, "Your perfect." He smiled softly over her mouth.

She blushed sliding her hands under his shirt in the front, rubbing softly with her index finger as she watched him watch her. She moved her hands slowly to his sides watching his eyes jump in nervousness, she kissed him softly on the mouth, "It's okay." She assured him moving her hands to his back and slowly bringing the shirt up, surprised when he stepped away and readjusted his shirt.

"I'd prefer to keep it on…if you don't mind." He said with words coated in so much shame she wasn't sure if it was the same man in front of her.

She closed the gap between them, caressed his face softly, feeling the cloth of his shirt press against the flesh of her breast, "I don't mind," she whispered kissing his lips, "but I want you to trust me…as much as I trust you."

He rested his hands on her hips, his forehead against hers and she knew he was deep in thought, considering the ramifications of removing his shirt, "I can't."

"What don't you want me to see?" she asked softly, "A scar? I have one…right here." She said taking his hand and placing it on her rib cage, "My mother…a beer bottle."

He furrowed his brows, held her waist tightly, "My body…isn't sexy like yours." He whispered.

She smiled, "I think your sexy." She kissed his mouth softly, "I don't care what your body looks like." She slowly slid her hands back to the hem of shirt, "It's okay." She assured him again pulling it up and over his head casting it down next to hers.

He bowed his head looking at the mangled mess that was his chest, only to see her hands rest softly on the old wounds before caressing his face, "I know something bad happened to you Jonah, and when your ready to talk about it, I'll listen, but only when your ready." She whispered kissing his mouth again, allowing her hands to rest on his shoulder blades, feeling the risen flesh that scarred his body as she slowly memorized his terrain, moving down to his waist and pulling his sweats down.

He kissed her back, made his own trail to her pants once he was out of his and pulled them down gently kissing her as he kneeled in front of her, caressing her abdomen with his tongue, her thighs with his fingertips, first down then back up to the waist band of her panties, pulling them down softly and allowing them to pool at her ankles before lowering her to the edge of the bed and kneeling on the floor.

He took her nipple into his mouth, swirling first left then right once she allowed her head to fall back, lips slightly parted as she supported her weight on her elbows. He moved further down her body to a curious tattoo and traced the artwork with his tongue before meeting a perfectly manicured panty line with a smile.

He invaded her softly pulling her body closer to him, her legs draped over his shoulders, her moan almost inaudible as he tongued her softly, tasted of her for the first time and watched as she arched off of the mattress, sheets ruthlessly balled in her fist as he moved within, sucked softly as she reached down to caress his head, he gently inserted his tongue, and chuckled when she reacted by sitting straight up a small scream escaping before she could silence it. He moved quicker pressing on her abdomen to keep her down, he felt her legs close in around him, felt her body tense at the work of his tongue, and with one caress of her all ready swollen clitoris he smiled hearing her come, his name falling from her mouth in a frantic whisper as she tried to catch her breath.

He hovered over her body, a grin on his face, as he pushed her hair away, revealing deep pools of dilated black with the thinnest ring of brown around them. "A dilatation of the pupil signifies desire." He whispered.

She blushed, "I definitely want you." She assured him resting her hands on his boxers, she shifted her weight, pinning him below her as she slid down his body pulling gently at his boxers only to feel his hands stop her. She smiled stretching out her body and rubbing softly into him as she kissed him, "It would be kind of hard to keep these on…don't you think?"

He looked away, "I didn't think it would be this hard."

She smiled devilishly, "I think it's suppose to be." But when he didn't respond she tilted his head to meet her face, "I don't care what you look like here either." She assured him caressing him softly through his boxers, "I just want to be with you, if you'll have me."

He blushed and slowly pushed his boxers down allowing her to remove them completely until both were naked in front of each other for the first time. She kissed his body softly, trailing his abdomen with her tongue up to his nipples as his hands caressed her back. Her tongue journeyed a path to his clavicle sucking softly before kissing his cheek and lowering her lips to his ear, "Your beautiful." She smiled making her way back down his body, fondling his naval playfully before tracing both sides of that delectable 'V' shape that led to other luscious things.

She saw the burn marks; even the scars on his shaft that looked like someone took a razor and tortured him. She closed her eyes at the image of what must have happened to someone as gentle as he was. The burn marks that stretched the expanse of his thighs, her training told her cigarette burns, her heart told her she didn't care.

She slowly took him into her mouth unconcerned with scars, burns, or anything other than the pleasure of pleasuring her lover. She held him, caressed him softly at the most tender part of him and watched as he moaned her name into the atmosphere, brutalized the sheets with his fist and then reached down caressing her face, "You have to stop." He panted, "Or I won't be able to…"

She smiled allowing him to slip from her hold as she trailed back up his body, leaning over him, taking his lips in softly, the combination of each others tastes within each others mouths made it that much more pleasurable before she separated from him and kissed the wound just above his heart softly, as she traced the burn on the opposite side and finally made her way back to his lips.

He rolled her gently onto her back, unconcerned that her hands caressed his scars, she felt his hand on her own badge of shame, his index finger tracing it intently as he lowered his head to kiss it. He kneeled between her legs, raised himself gently over her, allowing him self to be coated in that which was uniquely her as he watched her eyes stare at him, his hands interlaced with hers at either side of her face, "I want to feel you." He whispered.

She rose up, kissing his mouth gently and bucking against him, "I want to feel you inside of me, Jonah." She whispered back then gasped in air feeling him push gently into her as she bared her teeth and squeezed his hands in an effort to accommodate his welcomed trespass.

He rested his head on her shoulder as she struggled to will herself into submission; he kissed her shoulder softly once he was certain her body had settled, "You feel amazing." He whispered, "Incredible," he pulled out gently hearing a small moan of protest from her, to which he slid back in, "Marvelous." He whispered feeling her hands caress his head.

"Wonderful." She panted feeling him thrust gently into her, "Spectacular," she kissed his mouth, "Brilliant." She moaned feeling him tap her at her womb as he dove in softly pushing against her in an effort to hear her whimper at his contact.

He raised one of her thighs into his hand and slid even deeper, causing her to dig into his back as she wrapped her leg around his waist, feeling him move faster, "Olivia." he whispered offering nothing more than the pleasure of calling her name.

"Please…I" She moaned, suddenly forgetting how to construct a sentence, a thought, it was all forgotten as he moved within her faster, harder, turning her delicate moans into screams as he felt her body tense, both of her legs lock around his waist and her entire body melt into his as she came off the bed into his sitting embrace, screaming so loudly into release that she kissed him for the sole purpose of muffling the sounds of her passion, as he found his own orgasm in the strong contractions of her muscles, his body tensed and with one last convulsion, he released himself into her.

She kissed him softly on the mouth as he held her sitting, then softly lowered them both to their sides, brushing her sweaty hair away from her face, she traced his lips softly, feeling him finally slide out of her, exhausted, she looked at his once gray eyes, now black with dilation, "This really sexy man, told me that dilation is an indication of desire."

He kissed her mouth, "You are my desire. Olivia…only you."

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Her chest burned uncontrollably, "El," She groaned, "help me."

Another gunshot hit the car and Elliot finally saw the man standing brazenly, unconcerned with being spotted. He reached into his jacket, crawled out the side of the squad car and made his way around the parked vehicle in front of them, in an instant he stood leveling his weapon at the perpetrator, "POLICE!" he growled then flinched as another gun shot rang out.

When the perpetrator pulled for another weapon and leveled it, Elliot fired two shots in quick succession and then two more when the perp swayed and still tried to shoot. Confident the gun-wielding individual was dead he moved to the passenger side of the vehicle and pulled her out onto to the cool cement.

"El…hurts." She moaned.

"I know, Liv."

"No," She coughed, "You…never got…shot." She moaned as he grabbed the portable radio from her belt, "Station, this is mobile six five, Shots fired, shots fired, I have an officer down, repeat, and officer down send a bus, suspect is DOA. 56th and Adams." He barked and tossed it aside vaguely aware that the dispatcher confirmed his destination and was sending a bus immediately.

"El…" She coughed again, "Please…let me…home."

"You want to go home?" He asked quickly opening her blouse as onlookers gathered.

"Home." She reiterated grasping his hand.

"You can honey, we've just got to patch you up." He assured her, but when he looked at the bleeding mass in front of him he wasn't so sure he could.

"Went…through." She coughed pulling on his shirt, "I'll…bleed out…before-"

"NO!" He yelled at her, "No you wont!" he barked looking around him for something anything to help him stop the bleeding…and then he remembered the joke.

He moved quickly to the patrol care, "Where are they Liv?" he asked as if she could help him. He reached in the cubby only to find her bag of M he popped the glove box and exhaled in sheer relief when the box fell out.

"Liv, I got it." He yelled kneeling next to her again.

Her eyes fluttered to look at him, "Home…with…Jonah…please." She coughed again, blood spilling out from the side of her mouth.

"No! Stop being selfish!" he screamed at her then settled his voice touching her cheek, "Please don't leave me Liv."

"So…cold, El." She spoke barely audible.

It was the sound in the distance that gave him hope, "Hear that Liv? They're coming for you baby." He assured her opening up the box he retrieved from the glove box.

"El…" She took the box into focus and he swore he saw a faint smile, "Tam…pons?"

"Nows not the time for modesty." He said opening one quickly and starring at it with absolutely no idea what to do, he looked at the box scanned a few sentences and rolled her over, "This is really gonna hurt, Liv." He warned her shoving the cardboard tube deep within her and wincing as her small body writhed in pain, the grown and scream coming form her throat.

"Hurts…"

"I know," he informed her throwing an empty tube away and grabbing another, "One more, Liv." He warned shoving it into her wound, feeling her grab for him, a sob emanating the air. He laid her softly down on her back, "The front now okay?"

"Hate…you." She moaned.

"Hear that?" He asked opening another one, "There close, maybe a block." He informed her, "Ready?"

She nodded her head softly, closed her eyes and screamed out as he shoved the tube into her body, already preparing another as she cried in sheer agony, "Last one." He told her doing the deed again feeling her blood stain hands grasp for him as he made her endure more and more pain for the sole purpose of what? Keeping her alive so she can continue to mourn the loss of her husband? He hated himself.

"They're right here, Liv." He told her as her eyes fluttered, he had already pulled his shirt off and set it under her back, his t shirt coming off to be held tightly against her front as he straddled her body and whispered softly into her ear, "They're here honey, I love you, I need you to stay because if you don't, I wont make it." He told her selfishly.

He felt her fingertips on his bare back, heard the screeching tires of the ambulance halting, the doors slamming as the gurney was wheeled out, "What do we got?"

Elliot stood, "thirty-eight year old Caucasian, GSW, through and through, lost a lot of blood, she's NYPD, make her live through it." Elliot warned as the examiners gathered around her, needles invading her body, tubes here and there, a whimper and cry as they prodded her, finally getting her onto the gurney and into the ambulance, "You commin?" The paramedic asked as Fin and rolled up, "Yeah." He said nodding to Fin who was already telling him to go.

The medic worked frantically in the small confines of the van finally calling out to the others that she was stable…or at least as stable as they could get her considering. The picked up the almost empty box of tampons and tossed them to Elliot, "You probably just saved her life."

Elliot stared down at the box, "Thank God for super absorbency."

"Yeah, no crap." The paramedic muttered checking the wound that appeared to stop bleeding profusely, "She's lost a lot of blood."

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"What happened?" Cragen panted finally making it down to the emergency room.

"We we're sitting and watching the building across the way and all of a sudden she was shot." Elliot whispered. "He kept shooting even after I told him who we we're he-"

"He's dead." Cragen said softly.

Elliot exhaled, shook his head in understanding and handed over her weapon and badge, "Tell IAB, I don't care what they think, they can kiss my ass."

"Noted." Cragen smiled softly, "She's gonna make it."

"She was bleeding everywhere." Elliot whispered. Although the doctors where kind enough to give him scrubs his nails were stained with her life, a whole new meaning to life slipping through your grasp.

"Elliot you can't d-"

"Mr. Stabler?" A doctor came out, head shaking, his hand massaging the back of his neck.

"Me." Elliot stood, expecting the worse.

"Your next of kin on her card, we tried to call her husband but there was no answer, so it falls to you."

"What falls to me?" Elliot asked anxiously, "Please…please don't tell me she's dead."

"No." The doctor smiled, "As a matter of fact, that is the luckiest woman I have ever seen, Mom and baby are doing fine the tamp-"

"Wait…back up…what did you say?"

"She's lucky, the bullet went through and through, didn't bother anything terribly important, the reason she was bleeding so quickly is that she's malnourished, whatever she's eating isn't enough to sustain mom and baby, which means things have got to change." The doctor informed him.

"You said baby."

"Yes…from the looks of it three months."

"She…I couldn't tell." Elliot whispered.

"She's not eating, and she certainly isn't sleeping, we didn't catch it immediately in the ER until we ran test, her small frame, and lack of self care…it wasn't noticeable. You're gonna have to keep a close eye on her, she needs to eat right, exercise, and rest, rest, rest." The doctor informed him, "She's awake if you'd like to see her."

"Please." He croaked.

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Elliot stood at the foot of her bed, she may have been awake when the doctor left but she was sleeping with an oxygen mask over her face, her arm bandaged and taped snuggly against her to prevent movement. He pulled up a chair, sitting softly and covering her hand with his, leaning his head on the edge of the bed and silently crying as he fell asleep.

It was the tender caress of his knuckles that caused his eyes to open, once his brain put it together that she was moving he sat up, "Liv." He smiled softly, "How are you?"

"Apparently," she spoke in exhaustion, "I'm shot."

He chuckled softly, "Yeah." He whispered, "You owe me a new shirt you know."

"We're even." She smiled softly at him, "You used my last box of tampons."

He laughed and cried because she was alive giving him a hard time, he kissed her hand softly, "You scared the crap out of me."

"I'm sorry." She whispered letting a tear fall. He wiped it gently, "I'm sorry El."

"Don't be." He assured her. He took a deep breath and rested his hand on her abdomen as he held her hand, "The baby is doing good."

She cried out of relief, out of shame, out of sadness and happiness…she cried. "I'm sorry I lied to you."

"Don't be…I understand." He assured her, "But, the doc says your not taking care of your self and I'm pretty sure IAB is gonna give me some mandatory time off…which means we've got a lot to talk about."

A/N: Just because i know i'm gonna get a lot of questions, when i was in the military, we kept a box of tampons available for the sole purpose of stopping bleeding...yes it works.

And to Kellyofthemidnightdawn...that opeing line was for you sweetie.


	10. Chapter 10 Humiliation

A Beautiful Letdown

Chapter 10 Humiliation

"So," Jonah smiled holding Olivia's hand against his chest, "how does is feel to be Mrs. Dr. Jonah Matthews?"

"Feels like a mouth full." She teased, kissing him softly on the mouth as they shared a pillow, "Exhilarating."

He grinned, "Enlivening."

"Really?" She blushed.

"Yeah, best move I've ever made, was getting you down that isle." He spoke softly, tracing abstract art on her thigh.

She shrugged her shoulder, "Third best move I made."

"Third!" He laughed in shock, "I'm _third_?"

"Well," She smiled, "You didn't hear my first choices."

"Oh, yeah…I'm not sure I want to know what I'm third to." He played wounded well.

"If you'd stop talking I could tell you." She hit his chest playfully.

"Okay…you got five seconds for damage control."

She rose up, caressed his cheeks with her hands and kissed him tenderly, "My first best decision, was waking up and going to the science museum."

He grinned against her, rested his forehead against hers and pulled her gently over his body, "And the second best move you made?"

She kissed him again, grinned as she looked at him, "Not arresting you for stalking me at said museum."

He kissed her again, nipping at her bottom lip as he rested his hands on her waist, "Not stalking…pestering."

"Whatever it was," she whispered softly, tracing his lips with her fingers, "thank you."

He rolled her gently onto her back, and she saw it, a moments hesitation…a fear, perhaps a curiosity, he kissed her deeply, traced her body with fingers, felt her moan against his lips, panting as he separated, leaving her with want. She furrowed her brow at the uneasiness in his eyes, "What is it, Jonah?"

"Your stuck with me." He whispered anything but playfully, "You know that don't you?"

She smiled up at him, "There isn't anyone else I'd rather be stuck with."

"But," he looked away, "that means…my body," he rolled away sitting on the edge of the bed looking for a shirt and frantically trying to pull it on.

She'd become accustomed to it, sometimes he was fine with it, sometimes he couldn't take the shirt off, and still there were times when he couldn't stand to even be touched, yet she looked past all of that and continued to offer a listening ear whenever he was ready, which he still hadn't accepted.

She sat up, kneeled behind him and stopped him just as he put his hands into the shirt, "Where did you just go? What happened?" She asked kissing his shoulder, as her naked breast meshed with his mutilated back. She wrapped her arms around his chest, just under his own arms.

He rested his hand over one of hers and moved it to the right side of his chest, "Doesn't it sicken you?"

"No." she whispered as she let her fingers softly memorize the area he moved her hand to, "I told you, there's nothing about you that repulses me or even comes close to making me not want to be with you."

"But my….um…the scars, how could you want this?" he whispered covering himself with the sheet. It dawned on her then that he wasn't as much concerned with the scars that made his back and chest, it was the scars on his inner thighs, on his shaft, and buttocks, it was the intimate scars that bothered him, not because they were necessarily there, but perhaps more so that they were inside of her when they made love. He cleared his throat, "If you want…to have sex…with other guys, I'd understand."

Shocked, hurt, furious that he would think she wanted someone else, she clamed herself quickly knowing why he offered, there were times when he was so nervous with her he couldn't become erect unless she calmed him down, assured him, she didn't mind. He didn't want her to suffer, for his sake. She never felt as though she was suffering.

"Listen to me." She spoke firmly as she held him, "You are the only man that I want to make love to, you're the only man I want inside of me, and I'll keep telling you that until you change your hypothesis. I love you Jonah…scars and all. I don't know what happened, I want to know, but I don't, so I'll keep telling you…I only want you." she smiled against his cheek, "That's kinda of why I married you…so I could wake up to you, make love to you, fight over the cheek book with you, and nag at you to take out the trash…I just want you…no one else." She assured him. "Besides, can I tell you something that might sound strange, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way…okay?"

He nodded his acceptance and waited for her to gather her thoughts, "I know that to you, the scars are the last thing you want, but can I tell you that…when you're inside of me, you feel really amazing."

He blushed, kissed her hand gently, "Really?"

"Most amazing feeling I've ever experienced." She grinned, kissing his cheek softly.

He kissed her hand again, "I'm sorry, I was rude to you about…you know, other guys."

"I understand," She laughed softly, "But in the future," she grinned, "Don't be so quick to pimp me out, huh?"

He laughed, reaching back to caress her face, "You even _feel_ beautiful."

She kissed his shoulder, "You make me beautiful."

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"You caught it," Jonah shrugged, "You clean it."

"Jonah," she groaned, "The fish was fine when I pulled it out of the water…why do I have to clean it?"

He smiled at her, "Not clean, like a shower." He informed her, pulling out a large knife, "Clean as in…cut its guts out."

She stared at the large fish in front of her, brows arched, "Yeah…that's not gonna happen."

"Stop being a girl, Olivia." He scolded through a smile.

"Hello?" she waved to her body, "I am a girl."

"Yeah…a girl who caught a crap load of fish and has to clean them…start cuttin'."

"I hate you." She moaned.

He laughed, "That's not what you were saying in the tent last night." He teased stepping closer to her and tossing her a hand towel.

"Are you inferring something?" She blushed whipping down the cutting board so the towel was damp, but not so much that she couldn't keep it draped over her shoulder.

"Not inferring…just recalling that I don't think I've ever heard someone scream that loud…didn't figure I was _that_ good." He laughed turning around.

Before she realized the consequences she'd pulled the towel off of her shoulder and rolled it tight snapping it into his back. In a split second, the man before her changed into something unrecognizable, he spun around as he reached for a fillet knife on the cutting board, and immediately closed the gap between the two of them, grabbing the towel and twisting her arm painfully behind her, the knife at her throat as he backed her into the tree.

He stared at her with eyes that weren't his as if he were daring her to move. She struggled to catch her breath, never in a million years would she have thought this would happen, "Jonah." She spoke his name calmly, but his robotic nature was not something she'd seen before. The towel was cutting the circulation off in her hand, "Jonah, baby, it's me, it's Olivia."

He squinted his eyes as if the name was familiar, but there was no lowering of the knife, no spark in the gray eyes, that once gave her peace, "Jonah, please…your hurting me." She whispered as a tear fell free, "Jonah," she whispered, "I'm your wife…please."

As if those were the magic words to pull him from his trans the knife was dropped, the towel released as he stumbled backwards, staring at her in shock, "I'm sorry."

"Jonah." She whispered stepping closer to him only to send him walking further away, "Talk to me Jonah, what happened?"

He sat immediately where his was standing, his face in his hands, "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry." She walked to him cautiously, and knelt in front of him, tilting his head to look at her, "What happened…was it the towel?"

He pressed his lips together, turned from her, "I'm sorry…I just…I just reacted, I didn't realize it was you."

She furrowed her brow, "Honey, it's just me and you out here…who did you think it could be?"

He shook his head, "Them. Them. Them."

"Who?" She asked softly, "Your scaring me, Jonah…who are you talking about." She asked sitting next to him and embracing him tightly, "Tell me."

He held her waist, "They broke me." He whispered, "They broke me."

"Who did?"

"They broke me."

"Jonah, who did?"

"They broke me."

She closed her eyes, kissed his head softly, "Come on, you need to rest." She helped him up, thinking it odd that he was usually the strong one between the two of them, but whatever that towel did to him she hated herself for not thinking it through.

She laid with him, watching him closely as he fought sleep, his hand interlaced with hers, "Jonah," she whispered, "I love you."

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Five days after having his partner's and best friends blood cover his body, he found himself in clean clothes, pink daisies in hand as he knocked softly on her hospital room door. He peeked in to see her sitting up right, staring blankly out the window.

"Hey, good lookin'." Elliot smiled walking over to her and resting the flowers on her abdomen. She made no attempt to look at him but instead reached for his hand. He sat slowly holding her hand as he had done since she'd been admitted, both staying in silence as she starred into oblivion, silent tears occasionally falling.

"Elliot?" her voice finally came through, hours later, he smiled, hearing the tambre of her voice.

"Hi." He whispered sitting on the edge of the bed.

"El," she cried softly, "I don't like it here."

He ran his knuckle over her cheek, obliterating the tear with his compassion, "I know you don't and actually, the doctors are filling out your paperwork so I can take you home."

She smiled softly and turned back to the window, silence for minutes until a confession, "I'm sorry I lied to you." She whispered.

"Olivia," he rested his hand on her abdomen near the daisies, "I won't lie…it hurt, I wanted you to trust me, I want to help you, but I understand how confused and hurt you are right now."

She turned her gaze even further from him, "I don't know what's happening to me." She whispered, "The men…it hurts more…I wish the perp was a better shot."

He shook his head softly, holding his own tears at bay. He'd known she was sleeping with people she didn't know, he'd had the uncomfortable experience of walking in just after Jonah passed, was even in the same bar, unbeknownst to her as she walked in, sat next to some curly haired ass hole and within minutes slipped away.

"I'm ashamed of myself." She whispered, still looking away, "Of what I've become…I can't look at myself in the mirror."

Elliot lowered the railing of her bed, "Come on." He told her softly, "I want to show your something beautiful."

"Where?"

"Just trust me." He smiled, helping her swing her legs over the edge of the bed, her good arm over his shoulder as he stood her to her feet and walked her over to the restroom.

"Oh, a toilet…fantastic." She muttered dryly.

"No," he laughed softly and turned her gently to the mirror on the back of the door, "this is beautiful." He whispered gently pulling her hair back so she could see herself in the mirror, "Currently a little shot up…but beautiful nonetheless."

Her eyes misted as she rested her hand on her abdomen, "I haven't felt anything yet." She whispered.

He smiled softly, "You will…let's get you back in bed, before the doctor has my butt."

She nodded softly and let him lead her, "My ass is hanging out of his gown isn't it?" she laughed softly.

"No," he assured her, "It's tied pretty good."

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"Elliot," she said still tired after just getting out of the hospital, "my house is in the opposite direction."

"I know." He responded without looking at her.

"So…where are we going?" she asked furrowing her brow, "I haven't had a shower in five days, I'd like to go home."

"We need to make a stop." He told her pulling up to the curb.

"Where are we."

"You'll find out soon enough." He told her biting his lip, avoiding her gaze. He stepped out of the truck walked to her side and helped her out before setting the alarm. He walked her through a building that looked like a typical office building with various companies here and there, "You're my best friend Olivia, and your gonna hate me for a while, but in the end, this is what's best for you."

"What are you talking about?" She furrowed her brows, stopping only because he did.

He stood by a small plaque next to the door and stared at her without saying a word until her eyes registered what his lips couldn't tell her.

"NO!" She barked, "How could you!" she hissed, "I trusted you with that information Elliot."

"Your abusing yourself, Olivia." He told her calmly, he knew she was gonna fight and he was prepared for it.

"I can't believe you." She whispered in shock, "Sex-a-holics anonymous?" She asked incredulously, "Elliot, why?"

"Because, I want what's best for you…I want you to be able to get some help for this…you know as well as I do that your putting your life in danger ever-" he was stopped immediately when she slapped him.

He took it, closed his eyes to will the sting away, "Your putting your life in danger every time you have sex with someone your don't kno-" Same hand, different side, he flared his nostrils in anger but kept himself in check, "I love you, Olivia, and your gon-" The third slap, the one where she was already crying was the one that did him in.

Elliot opened the door in anger, "Go. In. Now."

"I'm not a child!" she hissed.

"Then stop acting like one." He bit back only to feel the wrath of her palm again, "I swear if you slap me one mor-" she called his bluff, slapped him again, then turned to leave when he pulled her wrist and shocked her by slapping on a pair of handcuffs and pulling her into the room.

"You want to be stubborn?" He growled pulling her into the office where a councilor was sitting, "Fine. You want to act like a kid?" He barked forcing her to sit, unconcerned at the moment that she winced in pain as her wound collided with the back of the chair, "Fine, enjoy your time out!" he yelled clasping the free bracelet onto the chairs armrest, "I'll be back in an hour!" he pointed at her as a father would a child, "I mean it Liv, you can hate me all you want, but your not gonna ruin your life."

Elliot walked past the councilor, "I told you she was gonna be stubborn about it, don't let her just be quiet in here."

The councilor stared in shock, "I'll see what I can do."

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True to his word Elliot returned to get her one hour later; he knocked on the door waited for the councilor to allow him to come in. As soon as he entered Olivia looked away, but not before he could see that she had been crying, he looked towards the councilor, "Productive?"

"She's pissed off at you…but yeah, the last fifteen minutes she opened up a little. I'd like to see her again."

"Fine." Elliot agreed, "I'll bring her next week."

The councilor raised her brows still shocked at the scene unfolding, "Um…I'll look forward to it."

He kneeled near her as the doctor left, "I know your angry."

"I hate you."

"No you don't." he whispered unlocking the cuffs and watching her rise in anger…shame. "Come on." He whispered placing his palm at the small of her back only to have her pull away.

"Do. Not. Touch. Me." She bit out as they walked out of the office.

He exhaled, withdrew his hand and bowed his head as he followed her outside of the building, "Trucks this way." He informed her unlocking the door.

"I'll take a cab." She barked.

Frustrated he trotted to the truck as she hailed a cab. He opened the passenger side and ran back to her as a cab pulled up. "I said," he barked picking her up by her waist and dragging her back to the vehicle, "that the damn truck is this way." He growled forcing her in like she were a perp then slamming the door and pointing at her as he walked around to his side of the truck, "Stop being stubborn!"

"Obstinate." She muttered.

He slid in next to her, started the truck and pulled away from the curb, "I already ordered food, it should be at your house by the time we get there." He informed her calmly as if she hadn't just slapped the crap out of him an hour ago, as if he didn't have to handcuff her to a chair or drag her from a cab into his truck.

"I'm not hungry."

"Well tough shit, your gonna eat."

"Ass."

"Me? You're the one who's being as stubborn as an ass," He informed her, "So I think that makes _you_ the ass."

She exhaled, accepted defeat, "Whatever."

"Yeah," he shook his head, "Whatever."

They rode in silence, both irritated with the other, as he pulled into her driveway. He got out and helped her out, surprised that she actually let him, but her right arm was useless and she needed help to get out of a raised truck.

He walked with her up the path, he took the mail out of her box, "When was the last time you checked the mail, Liv?"

"Does it matter?" she muttered.

"Well, the electric company probably thinks so." he said holding up a twenty-four hour notice.

He used the key she'd given him to unlock the door and help her into the house, "Where does this go?" he asked referring to the mail.

She pointed to the counter where there must have been three months of unopened bills laying there. He groaned and tossed the added paper before hearing a knock at the door. "Why don't you put some comfortable clothes on…call me if you need help." He instructed.

"Whatever." She rolled her eyes and made her way back to her room.

Elliot shook his head in irritation, answered the door, handed the pizza boy thirty dollars, telling him to keep the change for the sole purpose of not dealing with him at the moment. He tossed the pizza on the counter and rummaged around her kitchen drawers for the spare checkbook he knew she kept there when he watched the house.

He grabbed two plates, and paper towels putting them on the table next to the checkbook and sodas he found in the refrigerator, but when he hadn't heard anything from her he walked down the hall rapping softly on the door, "You okay, Liv?"

He heard her sniffling and he assumed she was probably licking her wounds but when a labored gasp came out he opened the door slowly seeing her struggle with her top, "Liv-"

"Leave me alone." She snapped trying to get the shirt off but it was obviously caught.

"I'm coming in."

"I don't need you."

"Shut up." He told her softly, memorizing her position and shutting off the lights.

"Oh great…now how am I suppose to do this?" she growled.

"Shut up." He told her again, making his way to her, "I just didn't think you would want me to see you naked, I'm trying to be a nice guy here Liv…will you give me a break?" he told her finally reaching her and helping her take the shirt off, "Where's the shirt you want to wear?"

"Foot of the bed." She whispered.

He felt for it blindly but found it, "All right, your arm please?"

"Ell-"

"Liv, stop arg-"

"Elliot!" she cut him off, "Can you please unhook my bra!" she braked in frustration, "I cant do it…I need…I need help." She whispered.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off." He assured her, "Is it hurting you?"

"Yes."

"Alright," he touched her softly, felt for the strap and unhooked it allowing it to slide off of her body on one side, as he more delicately lead it off of her other side, "You want the shirt now?"

"Yes…please."

He stayed behind her, dressing her carefully, trying to allow her the most modesty he could, "Pants?"

"Flannels…foot of the bed."

"Alright, can you push yours down?"

"Can you unbutton them please?" she asked, words coated in humiliation.

"No prob." He tried to sound undaunted but the absurd truth was that just touching her bare skin was arousing. He unhooked her pants quickly and turned his back, "All right I'm turned."

She stepped out of her clothes, held out a clean pair of underwear and pulled them up with one hand side by side before stepping into her flannels and repeating the same motion, "I'm done."

"Good," he smiled flipping on the light, "lets eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"I didn't ask if you were…I said lets eat." He reminded her, "Sit."

"What am I? A German Shepard?"

"Na," He grinned sliding the check book over to her, "Your much too stubborn, pit bull is more your breed."

She exhaled, "What am I suppose to do with this?" She asked irritated as she held up the checkbook.

Elliot took a bite of his pizza and pulled the first bill from the pile, "I don't know, how about paying your MasterCard bill."

"I don't want to pay my master card bill!"

"One Twenty Seven." He read her the balance due, "Mostly late fees, start writing."

She slammed her hand on the pin and struggled to grip it in her non-dominate hand. He watched her write slowly, carefully, the concentration on her face as she willed the pen to move in her hand. She pulled the check out carefully, with her hand to which he simply put it in the envelope and set it aside.

"Next one," he opened another bill, "Ah, you owe the electric company, six eighty seven, damn, turn down the AC."

She pressed her lips together starting over again only to mess up on her own signature, frustrated she slammed the pen back down, "I'm done."

"Not according to your Capital One statement."

"Elliot! Leave me alone!" She barked pushing the checkbook away.

"Olivia, why are you being so hard?"

"Because I hate myself!" she finally screamed standing up, "I hate who I am! Is that what you want to hear me say? I wish you had let me die!" she barked bowing her head and pinching her nose.

"Come on." He spoke softly, compassionately to a woman obviously broken. He'd laid the foundation of tough love; it was time for the soothing balm of gentleness. He brought her back to the table, put the cheek book back in front of her, "Just sign your name to about fifteen checks, I'll fill in the rest."

She picked up the pen again and began the tedious work that was her name. Fifteen minutes later she was done. Elliot found himself happy that she willingly ate a slice of pizza without him demanding it even if she did it in silence. When she was done she simply stared at the plate.

"All done?" he asked softly.

"Yeah…I'm a little tired."

"Okay, lets get you off to sleep then." He smiled helping her up, "Do you want a pain killer?"

"No."

"Okay," he agreed pulling her blankets back, "I'll just be in the other room if the pain gets bad, holler for me."

"Okay." She muttered allowing him to help her into the bed and pull the covers over her.

"Night Liv." He said as if they hadn't been fighting tooth and nail for the last several hours.

"Night."

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Elliot squinted at the alarm clock that told him it was two O'clock in the morning. He didn't know exactly what had woken him until the faint moan came again.

"El?"

He rubbed his eyes as he got out of the bed walking down the hall to her room, "Liv? You okay?"

"No…it hurts so bad." She moaned.

"Okay," he told her softly leaving her room and retrieving her medication and water before coming back to her, "sort of sucks that you can't take anything remotely helpful 'cause of the baby, the doc's gave you this though." He informed her.

"No…I can't, it's not good for the baby." She shook her head.

That was the first time she'd ever actually consciously made a good decision for the baby, he hoped that was a good sign. When she winced and took in a deep breath he sat on the edge of the bed, "What can I do for you?"

"It hurts." She winced again, "Please help me sit."

He picked her up slowly, allowing her to lean into him, "I don't know why, but my whole body hurts."

"Liv…you were shot, the paramedics, did all sorts of cruel things, the doctors poked and prodded…your gonna be hurting." He informed her stroking her back softly.

"Ugh, I wish I had a hospital bed, so I could sleep like this."

"Well, here, sit up." He told her letting her gain her balance as he situated himself behind her, legs spread so she could lean back, "Here, lean against me."

"The whole night?" she laughed softly.

"The whole night." He assured her, "Come on." He gently pulled her back to him and allowed her to rest, "Better?"

"Much…thank you."

"Welcome."

"No." she sniffled.

"No?"

"I mean…thanks for everything, the flowers, the dinner…the SA meeting." She whispered.

"Did it help you?" he asked softly.

She exhaled, "I don't know…but maybe…I should give it another try?"

He kissed the crown of her head adoringly, "I'm glad to hear you say that."

"El?"

"Yeah?"

"I…I don't hate you, I'm sorry I said that." She whispered.

"I know you don't hate me…your frustrated, I get it…but if you ever slap me again, I may have to slap you back." He teased her.

She smiled softly, "I'm sorry, I slapped you…I…I don't know what's going on with me…I don't know what to do."

He softly embraced her waist, "You take one thing at a time…lean back and go to sleep." He whispered.

She leaned back, resting her head on his shoulders, "Ugh."

"What? Hurts?"

"No," she exhaled, "I'm sorry…I haven't had a bath in a while, doctors couldn't' give me one 'cause of the stitches."

He chuckled softly, "I think your great."


	11. Chapter 11 I Can't Do It

A Beautiful Letdown

Chapter 11 I Can't Do It

"Beat you again." Jonah panted as Olivia managed to finally stop her Cannondale next to him.

"I…can't…believe this." She fought to catch her breath, "Every time."

"Yep." He grinned.

"Well," Olivia stepped off of her bicycle, "Winner hangs the bikes; I'm taking a shower." She smiled, leaning the bike in the garage and leaving before he could say different.

"Cruel!" He laughed stepping off his own bike as she walked away.

"Vindictive." She grinned disappearing into the house. She unfastened her helmet tossing it on the couch and pulled her Shimano cycling shoes off so the cleat didn't catch on the carpeting. She heard the door open and close indicating Jonah was already in the house.

She smiled to her self, running her hand through her sweaty hair and pulling her jersey off, tossing it in the hamper, before removing the rest of her clothing and turning the shower on to luke warm. Her body ached all over, from pushing herself too much in an effort to catch Jonah, but she missed him again…the same outcome for the last three months. She stepped in; let the stream of heat massage her muscles as she stretched her arms to the tile supporting her weight as the water worked its magic.

"Room for a good looking individual?" Jonah asked cracking the shower door.

"Sorry," She teased, "only one at a time."

"Oh," he replied trying to hide his disappointment, "well let me know when you're done."

"Jonah!" She laughed, "Get in here, you're letting the steam out."

"So," He grinned shutting the door behind him and embracing her waist, "you admit I'm good looking."

"Hey," she teased covering his hands at her abdomen, "I'll say anything to stop the draft you were letting in."

"Ouch."

"Teasing." She smiled turning in his embrace and kissing him soundly on the mouth. "So, what brings you into my office doctor?"

He shrugged and picked up her lufa, "Thought maybe you'd need a hand."

She grinned up at him passing a bottle of liquid soap, "Good man." She turned back around, "Think I can get a neck massage out of this too?"

"Tense?"

"Overwrought."

"Oh, nice one." He smiled forsaking the lufa for the time being and massaging her neck and shoulders, "Wow, you are one big knot."

"Thanks." She said dryly.

"Particular case you got that's doing this?"

She exhaled, "Yeah, but I think also, the racing position on the bike is hurting my back." She confessed.

"Why didn't you say something sooner, it's been three months since you've bought that bike."

"I know…I didn't want to be a pain"

"Ah, but you prefer to be in pain?"

"Nice play on words."

"Thanks." He grinned kissing her cheek, "The bike, we can fix, by having it fitted to your body today, as for the case…do you want to talk about it?"

She exhaled, "I can't, the investigation just started, but the vic…she's four."

"She alive?"

"Yeah…barely."

"Then, between you and Elliot, she's in the best of hands…you'll get her through Olivia, I know you will." He assured her.

"I should have been a librarian." She shook her head allowing a small smile, "It wouldn't keep me up at night."

"I like to think, I keep you up at night," He smiled kissing her neck, "for more - pleasurable things."

"Enjoyable." She laughed softly turning to him, "Turn around, I'll do your back." She smiled watching him turn his muscular body, the way his muscles moved fluidly under his skin…under those scars, that even now, several months into their marriage he couldn't talk about it.

"Hey Olivia?" He asked passing a bottle of his body soap to her.

"Yeah?"

"What do cops look for when they're searching a house?"

She furrowed her brow at the question as she lathered the ball of nylon in her hand, "Depends on what the search warrant says."

"No, no…I mean, where do you look?"

She smiled, "You hiding something from me Jonah?"

"No." He laughed "Just curious."

"There's common places we look; drawers, closets, blah blah," she informed him scrubbing his back gently, "but there have also been times where we've removed sheetrock to look for things in the walls, it all depends."

"Even take up the carpeting?"

"What?" she asked with a small laugh reaching around his waist to wash his chest.

"Carpeting, ever take it up?"

"No." She shook her head, "but now that you mention it, I guess that would be a good place to hide stuff…but you definitely aren't gonna be able to hide some of the stuff we find, under a carpet."

"Yeah."

"Why the curiosity?" She smiled running slick hands over a finely sculpted rear end.

"Just interested in your job." He assured her moving her hand, a gesture she knew he would do out of nervousness.

"Jonah." She spoke softly, "Why don't you trust me with this?" she asked seriously…almost hurt.

He exhaled, "I don't want to fight."

"Then we won't…I'm just asking, you know everything about me. It use to be that Elliot was the only one that close, it took a lot for me to open up to you, you may not think so…but it killed me to expose myself to you." She confessed resting her forehead on his shoulder, "I need you to trust me."

"I thought you said you wouldn't push?" he whispered.

"If you can't answer me…that's fine, but Jonah, trust is our foundation, it hurts that you can't trust me with it…I know it hurts you that you even have them, so I know it would be excruciating for you to have to talk about how they got there…but, I love you and I want you to know, I need you to _believe_ that they don't bother me."

He softly pried her hands away from his waist and stepped out of the shower without a word or glance, he grabbed a towel from the hook and wrapped it around his waist walking away.

Frustrated, she rinsed her body, turned off the water and stepped out pulling a towel around her bust line. She found him sitting on the edge of the bed, back facing her, shoulders that could support the weight of all her heavy burdens, slumped in defeat. She walked to him, sat softly next to him and kissed his shoulder before resting her head in the same spot, "I'm sorry." She apologized.

He leaned his head against hers, "Russia."

"Is it nice there?" she asked, anything to get him to talk to her, she didn't care what it was about, hell, he could tell her the molecular structure of a pig, and she wouldn't care so long as they were talking with one another.

"It's where it happened." He whispered.

She laced her fingers with his, "I'm listening."

"I was twenty-five, visiting relatives, I'd just finished my masters and gotten accepted to do my doctorate work, I wanted to take some time off first…biggest mistake I've ever made." He swallowed hard and remained silent for several minutes.

"Was it your first time back, since moving to the States?" she asked for the sole purpose of not letting him shut off.

"No." he responded simply as he raised her hand in his and guided it to the back of his head, letting her fingers trace the length of a scar that his hair covered. She'd felt it before, one night when they made love, she'd ran her fingers through his hair as he brought her into ecstasy, she'd made a note of her find but also concluded it was a result of whatever had happened to him.

"What happened here?" she whispered trailing the scar at the base of his skull.

"I had left the house early, I'd only been walking about five minutes when there was this excruciating pain in the back of my head and everything went black."

"You were knocked out?"

"That's what the doctor's told me…I don't really remember except…" his voice trailed off as he lowered her hand from his face.

"Except what? It's okay to tell me." She assured him, she tucked her leg under her body, kissed his mouth tenderly, resting a hand on his cheek and resting her forehead against his, "It's okay to let me in, Jonah…it's okay." She assured him.

"When I woke up…it was because they were holding me under water, pulling me up, then down again." He looked away from her in silence as if choosing deliberately what he could tell her and what he couldn't bare to tell her.

"Who were they?"

"I don't know…I thought the Russian Military, I'd lost my accent, my Russian was rusty…I was an American to them." He told her staring out the window of their bedroom.

"They didn't say what they wanted? Was there anything you remember? Smells, flashes of memory…anything?"

He bowed his head, "Please…listen to me as my wife, please don't interrogate me." He asked softly.

She closed her eyes, mentally kicking herself for what she'd just done, "I'm sorry, I'm listening."

"I don't remember it very well, but the next thing…I was strung up, wet, naked…my wrists hurt." He whispered rubbing his hands as if the pain had returned as soon as he spoke of it. She took his hand into hers and kissed his wrist tenderly, before covering it with her hand and looking at him, encouraging him to keep talking.

"I didn't know what they were called until I was looking through a mechanics dictionary one day…alligator clamps is what they used to conduct the electricity on my…" he swallowed, closed his eyes as if trying to shut out the memory as he covered himself, "Excruciating."

Olivia swallowed trying to maintain her composure as her tears misted, the shapes permanently embedded into his genitals, his chest and even his feet were alligator clamps, "They tortured you."

"Please believe me…that I fought back." He whispered moving slightly away from her, to which she simply moved closer to him again.

"I believe you." She whispered.

"I fought, and kicked, but the electricity…I was just hanging there, I'm not sure who I kicked but then next thing I knew…he'd pulled out a straight razor like they used in the old days to shave with." He sniffled softly. "He sharpened it in front of me." He cleared his throat, "Another man was smoking cigars…they smelled…sweet, but made me nauseous at the same time."

She winced knowing what would be coming next, Jonah was allergic to smoke that came from cigarettes and cigars, it was actually the tobacco burning that caused the reaction, but it always ended in the same result if he couldn't get to fresh air…vomit.

He adjusted his towel, making sure it was closed…he was nervous, she could feel it coming off of him in waves, "He asked my name…when I didn't answer he touched the cigar to my back."

She winced, leaned her head on his shoulder and touched her fingertips to his back, "I love you."

"He asked again and I wouldn't tell him." He looked away as she traced her other hand to his chest, she'd already counted them, known that there were twenty-seven scattered over his body, but for some reason, knowing exactly how they'd gotten there made them painful even for her.

"They tied my legs, so I couldn't move anymore, the circulation in my hands was getting worse, more painful." He shook his head, "I wish they would…have killed me."

"No." She whispered, "Don't say that, please…I wouldn't have you if they had." She told him kissing his hand as he continued.

"A woman came in, she looked American to me and I thought…" he turned his face away, wiping a tear that he didn't want her to see but knew she probably had.

"What? What did you think, Jonah?" She tipped his chin back to her, "Its okay to tell me." She reassured him again, and would keep doing so until he was free from this.

"I thought she…was there to…help me." He whispered in shame, "But, she handed this black thing with leather straps, to the cigar smoker." He closed his eyes blinking out a steady trail of tears, and for the first time it dawned on Olivia that he looked older than what he was, the worry, constantly written on his face, hidden by that gorgeous smile, the hair, lightly salted with gray, that she loved to caress. He shuddered wrapping his arms around his waist. They'd been talking in towels, freshly showered, and both cold.

"You know what?" she asked with a small smile wiping his tears from his face, "Why don't we take a break? Do you want me to get you some pajama's, or do you want the comforter?" she asked softly.

"Pajamas." He whispered, watching as she stood to retrieve his clothing, he reached out pulled her back to him as he stood and kissed her full on the mouth, his hand tangling into her hair as he stroked her tongue, nipped softly at her top lip, "Please don't hate me." He swallowed hard, his hands still on her cheeks.

She smiled compassionately, rested her hands on his forearms, "Nothing in this world, will make me hate you." She assured him before kissing him again and retreating to the dresser to gather his boxers and pajamas. "It's still pretty early, want to have a cup of chocolate, and if you're up to it, I'm still willing to listen."

He shook his head softly, obviously dazed by too much emotion that he was trying to hold in, "Sounds good." He said slipping into his boxers and pajamas as she pulled one of his dress shirts over her naked torso, slipped into a pair of panties and buttoned the three middle buttons of the shirt.

She smiled, took him by the hand and led him back to the kitchen with her. "What'll it be Doctor Matthews, Chocolate, Coffee, Tea or something else?"

"Corn dogs." He said, voice still raw, but slightly happier.

"Corn dogs?" She smiled opening the freezer. She laughed that he has a child's pallet when it comes to food, corn dogs are what he eats when he's working on an equation or formula that's requiring too much thought, when he is irritated, or frustrated he eats corn dogs. She placed three on a plate and tossed them in the microwave knowing she can now add sadness to his corn dog cause.

She globed the mustard on the plate mixed in the ketchup, and went over his food in her mind, popcorn and M&M's are his happy kick back food, those ridiculous fruit roll ups that she fights with him over every time they go to the market, are his, 'I'm-starving-but-to-lazy-to-make-something.' Food, and sandwiches are usually his idea of cooking them both diner. She offered him a smile and pushed the plate to him as he sat on the stool, she kissed him softly, "Pepsi or Sprite?" She asked, knowing his stomach is probably upset she grabs the sprite just as he confirms her decision.

She stood to the side of the counter close enough that she could touch him if she wanted but she simply reached over and grabbed a corn dog from his plate, to which he smiled softly, "Don't forget to dip it."

"Can't forget that." She said softly dipping the corn dog into the mixture and taking a bite. They ate in comfortable silence, sharing a soda, giving him a gentle touch from time to time as she noticed his eyes start to water, he was still thinking about it she knew it, but he would have to be the one to talk.

"I'm not sure…" he started to speak several minutes after finishing his last corn dog.

"Of what?"

"How long it lasted…it seemed like forever." He whispered pushing the plate away and standing to his feet, fingers clasped behind his neck as he moved to the living room and allowed his body to flop onto the couch, in defeat.

She walked back to their room, pulled off their comforter and came back into the living room draping it over his body as she sat next to him, legs curled under her as she rest her head on his shoulder, "Better?"

"Yeah." He choked out.

"I'm listening." She assured him and then simply waited for what seemed to be several minutes until he began again.

"It was razors that were attached to the end of the whip…they showed it to me before they started." He told her leaning his head back on the couch, "I don't…it hurt so bad." He whispered into the atmosphere, "I think…if I had a gun…or could have gotten one…I would have killed myself."

She winced again, the thought of not having him in her life seemed so unbearable, "You survived."

"They asked me my name again…asked me for my papers, I didn't tell them, and I'd forgotten to take my passport with me, I was just running down to the market…didn't see a need." He shook his head; regret clearly evident in his eyes, as if going back and changing that one decision may have spared him.

"I was so exhausted…but when the woman took the razor to my chest…the pain was unbearable…I …I vomited, the stomach acids burned down my entire body and I prayed that God would kill me right there." He whispered, "The pain was immeasurable, they asked again who I was, I asked them why it was so important they know about me…but as soon as I spoke, I realized I'd just provoked them more, I made up a name…apparently _too_ Russian sounding and the man smoking a cigar touched my chest with it…he smiled at me….went lower with it…then lower." He bowed his head.

Olivia trailed her hand over his body to his waist band and slipped her fingers into his waist band stopping there and looking at him, "Your still a beautiful man."

He closed his eyes, tears flowing, "You wont think that when you know the rest."

"Tell me…let me decide what I think." She whispered to him.

"She…" he furrowed his brows, "You know how…I don't like for you to…um…I don't like…" his voice trials off, desperation in his eyes to see that she understands what he is trying to tell her.

She does. She remembered the first time they made love, he'd been so antsy about her touching him, erect or not. Eventually he simply told her that he felt uncomfortable with her stroking him, and while she'd made some progress with him, he could not let her masturbate him, oral sex was one thing, but there was something about being stroked with her hand that would shut him down, "She masturbated you…and then cut you." She whispered as a statement, there was no need for it to be a question; his face told her she was right.

He shook his head in affirmation and buried his head into her shoulder, "I didn't want to."

"It's not your fault…our bodies, we don't control their reactions." She whispered, "Trust me on this one okay…it's not your fault…and I still think you're a beautiful man." She assured him rubbing his neck softly. "I think you're an amazing man, that has been through so much, but your still so willing to live life…that's sexy." She smiled kissing his head softly, "I love when your inside of me, I love when you hold me, I love you because, your you…I fell in love with that goofy, nervous and entirely too cocky man, that stole my coffee."

He smiled softly against her flesh, kissed her neck adoringly, "Thank you." He whispered.

"There's nothing to thank me for…but you haven't talked about this." She whispered touching the gun shot wounds on his chest.

He sighed, "She sliced… my buttocks after…you know-"

"I know." She assured him.

"I think my body just went numb by then, I could feel my blood dripping off of my body, another man came into the room and they were all talking in a huddle. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't tell you if they were speaking Russian or Japanese at that point, but all I head was, 'it's not him' everyone started to leave." He swallowed again, "I was in so much pain, that I asked them…to kill me instead of leaving me there."

"What happened next?" She asked not entirely sure she wanted to know.

"The cigar smoker, hit the electrical charger again and I just remember it being so excruciating, he turned it off and burned me again, then turned around and walked away. He walked out the door." He rested his hand on her thigh under the comforter, "The woman came in a minute later and stood right at the door, raised a gun to me and shot me twice…apparently she's a bad shot." He tried to chuckle through his tears as he held her.

Olivia tightened her embrace around him, kissed his lips softly, "Thank God."

"Long story short, I was hospitalized and eventually flown back to the states…I'm not sure who found me…I'd lost so much blood." He whispered holding her tight against his body as silent minutes passed.

She separated from him and looked at him compassionately before she leaned in and kissed him again, more desiring of him, she kissed him deeply, wanting to take this one burden from him, wanting to take this one bitter pain from his soul. She was slightly surprised to feel him kiss her back with an equal desire as if he was finally relieved someone was there for him. He pushed her gently onto her back, caressed her neck softly with his mouth, his emotions were raw, left open, and all he wanted was the soothing balm of her touch…of her.

He met her lips again, kissing tenderly, mouth open, her tongue teasing him, engaging him in a fiercely tender moment that was unique only to them. Her fingertips at his shadowed cheek, his body pressed protectively over hers, his lips seeking her out for his own healing, a healing that she would gladly give him, allowing him to move at his own pace. She finds it ironic that when they first met he was the one so confidant, so capable of moving her to open up, yet, tonight to roles reversed and she was fine with helping her lover along the way.

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Olivia's eyes fluttered open to the intense pain ripping through her body, the nausea running through her veins, but safe arms resting gently on her abdomen as she leaned back into a strong chest. For a split second she'd thought she'd just woken up from a miserable dream and that Jonah was actually still there with her, but the breathing of the man behind her wasn't right, it wasn't carefree, it wasn't Jonah, "El?" she moaned his name out without moving a muscle for fear she may vomit, "El…I'm sick." She said again feeling him stir behind her, "I need to get to the restroom…please."

"Your sick?" he asked making sure he heard her correctly, "Alright, lets get you up." He sat up slowly so she didn't loose her stomach from sitting up to fast, he moved deliberately in an effort to not hurt her.

"El…hurry." She groaned covering her mouth instinctively, there was no way she'd be able to walk it and not puke. He had no other choice but to quickly pick her up and physically place her in front of the toilet to vomit.

She did so as he supported her letting her heave until she had nothing left within her and leaned on her good arm in exhaustion, moist eyes, aching body, he kept her hair pulled back, "Better?"

"Yeah." She whispered shakily, "Can I ask a big favor?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"I really want my toothbrush right now."

He smiled to himself helped her sit on the toilet as he prepared a toothbrush for her and handed it to her. She brushed clumsily with her left hand but managed to get the job done, standing to her feet slowly and spiting into the sink and rinsing her mouth out. She exhaled looking at her self in the mirror; she winced at the oily hair, the dirty fingernails, "El?"

"Yeah…did you want to go back to the bed?"

"Um…actually can I ask you another huge favor?"

"Sure."

"I'd really like to take a shower." She muttered.

"Oh Liv, I know you do…but the stitches and the way they have this arm bandaged to you…I don't think you can stand under the stream."

"Please…I feel…disgusting." She whispered looking away.

He exhaled, "A shower at four O'clock in the morning huh?"

"Please."

"Go ahead, sit on the bed, I'll figure something out." He smiled helping her back to the bed, "Did you see what I did with the bag the hospital gave us with all the wraps and crap?"

"Coffee table." She informed him wincing in pain.

"Alright." He retreated for the bag came back to see her staring at the carpet, "Whatchya thinking about Liv?" he asked making his way into the bathroom and setting up for what he knew was going to be awkward for both of them.

"You said you got the information for the inner city schools from Jonah's palm pilot didn't you?"

"Yeah." He returned to her grabbing towels off the hooks and draping them here and there, "Is something wrong?"

"When I picked up Jonah's things…from the morgue, it wasn't on his property list." She said softly.

"It's probably in evidence…I can try to get it for you since the case is closed, where's there something important on it?" he asked making sure the water was decent for her.

"No," she frowned, "He use to always…surprise me…I was just wondering what he had up his sleeve I guess." It was the truth to an extent, she also wanted to know what was on that chip, but more so, she knew he recorded everything, right down to the reminder to buy more bubilicious, in that palm pilot, and she wanted to know what was on his mind, before he left her. "I'll have Cragen or Munch grab it…since you're under IAB right now…and I don't feel like going in."

"Okay." He called back then made his way to her with a pair of scissors in his hand, "The docs told me how to wrap your arm so it didn't move, but your not suppose to be doing things with it unwrapped, so promise me, you'll keep it in the same position if I take the wraps off."

"Promise." She grinned, "Scouts honor."

"Your weren't a scout."

"Details."

He shook his head, "How do you want to do this?"

"Just cut." She said as if it were obvious.

He blushed, looked around quickly and pulled a smaller towel from the bathroom sink before handing it to her, "Slip it under your shirt…cause the shirt has to come off." He told her, blushing.

She hadn't even realized the predicament she put him in, "El, if this is too much…I'm sorry…I didn't realize…I didn't think it thr-"

"Liv…we're friends, put the towel under your shirt and tell me when your ready." He instructed turning away from her.

"Okay." She assured him.

"Alright, lets get the show on the road." He smirked, delicately helping her sore body out of the shirt, making sure she held the towel against her, "Got it?"

"Yeah, I'm good." She assured him.

"Alright, I'll start cutting." He warned her starting at her wrist and cutting the bandages all the way up to her shoulder taking them off slowly as she whimpered, "Sorry, the sutures are snagging." He informed her.

"Hurts." She winced through clenched teeth.

"I know…almost there….there." He said softly taking the used gauze away, "The front, Liv?"

"Yeah…please." She slid the towel just slightly not enough to reveal anything and at this point he couldn't care less if she was completely naked; he just wanted her to stop hurting. He gently took the gauze and tape away revealing a shoulder so consumed with bruising that he didn't recognize it as her, black and purples fusing together to create pain, stitches sticking out of her flesh as if she were an experiment, "How's it look?"

"Good," he lied instantly, "Looks real good."

"Liar." She winced again holding on to him tightly, "FYI, getting shot…sucks."

Elliot laughed at her humor, "Noted…come on stand up." He wrapped his hand around her waist, feeling his flesh collide with hers and finding it odd that he was approximately fifty million times more nervous than she was with their predicament.

"My pants." She blushed, "this isn't gonna work." She groaned in frustration.

"Yeah it will," He assured her, "just walk into the restroom, you can pull the flannels down by your self can't you?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, strip and get a towel around you and call me when you're ready."

"A towel?"

"Trust me."

She exhaled, did as she was asked and within two, perhaps three minutes she called him in, a towel hanging clumsily over her body, but covering her nonetheless, "I can't tighten it."

"Alright," He forced himself to look straight at her face, not wanting to give her any reason to think he was there for anything other than helping a friend. He grabbed the excess towel behind her and tucked it tightly so she didn't have to hold it, "Hold onto me, Okay?"

"Okay, I'll try."

He stepped forward, let her wrap her good arm around his neck as he held her at her back and stepped into the bathtub, water soaking his body as he gently lowered her. "Alright, don't take the towel off yet, I'm gonna step out, to help you with your hair then your on your own…deal?"

"Thank you so much." She whispered, "I appreciate your respect for me."

"You're my friend, Liv…I'd do anything for ya." He assured her stepping out then kneeling on the side of the tub, "Can you sit up a little better and I'll get this done fast for you?"

"Okay." She sat up, felt him help her and was glad for it, five days without a shower…there was neither time for modesty or stubbornness.

He washed her hair delicately as she braced herself in the tub with her good arm, "Lean your head back." He instructed softly rinsing with a small cup careful to keep the soap out of her eyes, "Alright, your on your own, be careful, I'll wait in your room to help you up okay?"

"Deal."

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True to his word he waited until she called for him, "El…I think I'm done."

"You think?"

"Pretty wrinkly." She laughed softly, "Can you help please?"

"Absolutely…got that towel on? I don't want any naked lady surprises." He teased, hearing her laugh.

"Yeah, I'm good, but its getting cold…can you please come and fish me out?"

"Sure." He opened the door stepped into the tub as if they did this on a regular basis, "Hold on to me."

"Got you." She assured him. He came straight up, lifting her small frame with ease and stepping out of the tub carefully, before letting her stand on her own. "Here's a fresh towel, dry off, I'll turn around, let me know when your done, keep it wrapped around you so we can bandage and dress your wound."

"Yes sir." She laughed.

"As long as you know who's in charge." He grinned playfully, the old Liv was under all of that pain and hurt, and if it took joking, getting into a tub clothed, letting her puke on him or sleep on him, he was going to pull the old Liv back.

"Ready." She assured him as if she'd developed a second wind, she walked herself to the bed, somewhat slowly but much better than just an hour ago, "Patch me up doc." She told him sitting slowly on the bed.

"Hey Liv….can I ask you something?" he spoke covering the wound on her back with a gauze pad.

"Sure."

"What happened here?" he asked tapping her other shoulder referring to the road burn she'd received the morning Jonah died.

"I beat Jonah in a bicycle raced and crashed as soon as I crossed the line…remember I told you…I think I told you." She furrowed her brows, "So much has happened I can't remember."

"You still cycling?"

"No…and from the looks of the shoulder and the baby, I won't be for a while."

"Have you thought about the baby?" he asked softly taping another gauze pad to the front of her chest.

She looked away and whispered, "Yeah…five days in the hospital…a chic tends to think a lot."

"Did you make a decision?"

"Yeah."

"Can I ask what it was?"

She exhaled, closed her eyes as he finished wrapping her arm, "I…I can't do it…"


	12. Chapter 12 Until She Breathed Out

A Beautiful Letdown

Chapter 12 Until She Breathed Out

"Your gorgeous." Jonah smiled caressing her chin.

"Jonah," she smiled softly, "come on, it's my day off, I'm trying to sleep." She chuckled lightly resting her hand on his ribs, "Man, your amazing."

He laughed kissing her again, "I don't think you really want to sleep."

"I assure you," she smiled keeping her eyes closed as she nuzzled closer to him, "after an eighteen hour day yesterday…I really want to sleep."

"So, what your saying is…you don't want to have incredibly crazy sex with me right now?"

She opened her eyes and grinned, "You offerin'."

"Well," He grinned sitting up and tossing the covers back, "I was…but you seem to need your sleep." He stood only to feel her pull him back into the bed.

"You can't offer…then leave." She smiled kissing his lips and pulling him down to cover her body, "That's just wrong."

"Olivia," he whispered grazing her lips delicately, "I couldn't sleep."

"Why?" she asked holding his face in her hands, "Nightmare?"

"No…brainstorming."

"Brainstorming?" She smiled sliding her hands under his shirt, "Tell me, your not going to try to have sex with me and talk to me about your formula." She chuckled again rising up and kissing him, feeling him harden against her. It seemed that in the last year since their conversation about his attack, he was becoming more lax with her, more willing to initiate an encounter, and while they still met a couple of bumps along the road, he was getting better and she was staying patient.

"Not, necessarily a formula." He smiled unbuttoning her pajama top.

"Then what?" she asked feeling him palm her breast, her nipple rising to meet the warmth of his hand.

"More like," he paused mid sentence and kissed her breast, sucking softly, before returning to her lips, "More like an equation." He whispered tracing her lips with the tip of his tongue, before sipping softly from her lower lip.

"What's the equation?" she asked rubbing softly into him.

He smiled kissing her along the center of her body, "If the variable 'O' is equal to one," he stopped at her navel kissed her playfully and smiled at the fact that she loved to wear his flannel top, with just panties.

"Variable 'O' is equal to one…got it." She whispered feeling him graze her core over her panties; she arched up, moaned softly, "what's the rest?" she breathed.

He pulled her panties down gently kissing her inner thigh to which she gasped feeling his lips and tongue make their way down her leg, "And variable 'J' is also equal to one," he whispered running his fingertips along her legs, up to the curve of her waist, he kissed her breast gently feeling her rise off the mattress.

"Variable 'O' and variable 'J' both equal one…got it." She panted reaching down and pulling at his pants, "Off." She pushed him gently back on his knees and watched as he pulled them down and hovered back over her. He nipped softly at her breast feeling her legs take his pants the rest of the way down with her feet, arching into him feeling him rub against her, she moaned at the contact, whimpered as his hand caressed her already tender nipple.

"If both variables equal one," he panted against her ear, laced his hand with hers and rested at her entrance, "then what does O twenty-three added to J twenty-three yield."

She furrowed her brows looked at him as if mulling the equation over, "Think I can have some motivation?" she asked arching her body up to meet his.

He kissed her mouth, slid into her gently, "Answer the question."

"I can't believe…." She moaned as he withdrew and pushed into her again, "That you're doing this to me…right now."

He pulled her up into him allowing her to sit on his lap as he moved within her, "I thought you wanted this." He smiled cockily.

"Mmm." She responded, "The crazy sex, with my sexy husband…yeah." She agreed coming up slightly on her knees and moving over him, feeling everything about him, his thickness, his strength, his veins, his scars…even his scars made her want more of him, a ribbed pleasure that she could never confess to him as such, "Not too fond of the mind puzzle though." She whispered kissing him passionately on the mouth; wrapping her legs around his waist and feeling him go deeper inside her.

"Answer it." He instructed holding her hips with each thrust until she suddenly stopped and pulled back looking at him.

She didn't withdraw from him in hopes that she was wrong but she had a feeling she was right, J twenty three was his representation of his chromosomes, that when mixed with hers, should have yielded a baby, "Jonah…we've talked about it."

"We didn't talk." He whispered, "You said 'no' and ended the conversation."

She felt him decrease and slowly leave her, "Jonah…please, I don't want to talk about it right now."

He held her hips firmly but spoke gently, "I want to talk about it, Olivia."

She rested her head on his shoulder, "Please."

"Olivia," he smiled pulling her body away from him, "I want to have a baby with you, I want to loose sleep because we have to feed a crying baby, and I want to stay up through the night because our son has chickenpox I want to have a baby with you, Olivia."

She rested her forehead against his, "I can't give you what you want."

He closed his eyes, clenched his jaw in frustration, "Olivia, why are you so scared of having a baby?"

She exhaled, swung her body off of him, "I'm going to be late."

He ran his hand through his hair, "It's your day off."

"Paperwork."

"Your running."

"No, I'm not."

"Your also a liar." He informed her.

"Excuse me?" She stared at him, head tilted to the side in shock as she buttoned her pajama shirt.

"A hypocrite too." He stood to his feat, rested his hands on his hips and rose up on the balls of his feet, his way of preparing for a fight.

She squinted her eyes at him, "I'm sorry," She spoke in frustration, "did you just call me a hypocrite?"

"And a liar…can't have one without the other."

She raised her eyebrows, "What the hell?"

He walked to her reached for her to feel her pull away, he reached for her again and took hold of her, "You asked me to open up to you about something so…painfully humiliating that I thought I might loose you…but you can't open up to me about why your so convinced you shouldn't have a baby with me."

She bowed her head knowing he was right, knowing that she shouldn't be hiding this one hurt from him when he's been open to her with something so vulnerable, "Jo-"

"I've let you help me, come along side of me and touch me in ways…that I swore I would never let anyone even see me…I've loved you from the day I met you and I'm just asking for this one truth…I'm just asking for you to give me this one pain."

"I-"

"Olivia, if its that you can't…if its physically impossible, then we could adopt, but if it's because you just don't want to have a baby because your afraid…I want to know why…I 'm your husband, you're my wife…no secrets." He told her tilting her face up to see him, "Tell me, please."

She exhaled covered his hand with her own and kissed his open palm, "I'm scared."

"Of what?" He asked stepping closer to her, tucking her hair behind her ears.

"I don't know my father…all I know is what he did…how I was conceived…the violence." She tried to pull away but felt his arms wrap around her waist, pulling her back into his chest.

"Yet, in spite of his violence, your soft, compassionate, and loving…you might put on a good show of being a tough cop…but I see through you Olivia…I see what you really are." She leaned back against him touched her cheek behind her.

"His genes would be mine…he wouldn't have a chance." She whispered.

"_She_ might." He countered quickly, "You came out pretty spiffy, if I do say so myself." He chuckled lightly.

She turned in his embrace, "Jonah, please, I'm being serious…what if the baby turns out to…to be violent, or what if I can't bond with the baby, what if I'm not a good mom, what if, I can't do it?" She asked almost in a yell from frustration.

"Hey," he whispered pulling her close, "we could 'what if' this to death, but the fact of the matter is…you're an amazing person, and you've told me I'm pretty cool…for a nerd, seems to me…that gives any baby we have a safe chance of making it." He kissed her gently on the head, "There's no violence gene Olivia."

She stepped back ran her hand through her hair, "I don't know how to be a mom."

"When you married me…did you know how to be a wife?"

"No…and I'm still pretty bad at it." She laughed softly, "Your clothes are never ironed correctly, I forget to shop all the time and you see what happens when you depend on me to pay the bills."

He searched her face, leaned in and kissed her mouth, sucking her lips, smiling as he pulled away, "Yet you always know when something is wrong with me, if I'm awake at night, you wake up and sit with me, you know I eat corn dogs when I'm working on difficult formulas, and you share your coffee with me every Tuesday…I'd take that over a pressed shirt any day of the week." He assured her.

She rested her chin on his shoulder, "I don't share, you steal." She informed him softly then exhaled, "I want to have a baby with you…but I'm so scared."

He looked at he and suddenly put it together, "This is why you study embryology so much…your trying to convince your self that there's no way you can pass on bad genes to our baby."

She closed her eyes, feeling the warmth of her tears fall, "I don't know how to change a diaper."

He smiled, "Either do I."

"I don't know anything about breast feeding, or chickenpox, or car seats…what if I forget the baby somewhere, or the milk is too hot, or the bath water is too cold, or I for-"

He cut her off, kissing her softly, separating her mouth with his tongue and slowly tracing the shape, the warmth and the taste of her mouth. She pulled him closer, deeper, whimpering when separating was vital to the respiratory system. He kissed her cheek letting his hands fall just below the small of her back, "Have a baby with me Olivia…your sexy, your amazing and I know that you are going to be a fantastic mother."

She stepped back, searched him for motive and found only love, searched him deeper for deceit and found only his desire to have a permanent bond with her, "I…we…should probably take some parenting classes…buy some books, if neither one of us knows how to change a diaper."

He smiled softly, "What are you telling me?" he asked wanting her to voice it, wanting her to express a desire in spite of a fear.

She smiled slyly, kissed him adoringly on the mouth and walked him back to the bed, "Looks like we'll be saving money on condoms." She smiled pushing him softly to the bed and hovering over him.

"What are you doing, Olivia?" he asked with a grin feeling her body rub against his.

She smiled innocently and lowered her lips to his ear, "Shhh…I'm trying to make a baby."

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"What do you mean, you can't do it?" Elliot asked concern clearly written over his face.

She exhaled, "I'm not going to have an abortion."

"That's great!" Elliot beamed.

"But…I'm not keeping the baby either." She whispered.

"What?" he furrowed his brows.

"I'm…I'll carry the baby to term and…give the baby up for adoption." She informed him.

Elliot nodded his head, grateful she wouldn't be getting an abortion, but equally as sad that there wouldn't be a little one bouncing around, calling him Uncle Elliot and driving Olivia crazy coloring on walls, wetting the bed or any other fabulous things kids do.

"You hate me?" she asked softly.

Elliot smiled caressed her face gently, "I respect you immensely and stand by you. I'll give you a shoulder to lean on, a chest to vomit on," He laughed softly, "And an ear to talk to."

She closed her eyes, exhaled, "Thank you…thank you for supporting me."

"If I have to tell you a million times, Liv…I love you, I'll do anything for you and I'll support you in your decisions." He stood kissed her softly on the head, "Just don't get use to all this 'soft Elliot' bull crap, once were back at work together, the torture is still back in effect." He assured her with a grin.

"Thanks." She laughed softly then yawned.

"Tired?"

"Very…I think the bath took my energy."

"That and it's like five O'clock in the morning, come on…I'll get you back in bed."

She winces as he lowers her back to the bed, "You okay."

"Please," She groaned, "Not my back…it hurts so bad."

"Okay…tell me what you need."

She blushed, looked away.

"Liv, do you need to rest against me again?"

"It's…it's comfortable, but I don't know if I can stand the weight on my back anymore, do you think…that-"

He cut her off knowing what she needed, "Lay on your good side, I'll lay behind you so you don't roll, and we can put pillows in front of you…I'll wake you up in an hour to change your position…deal?"

"Why aren't you married?" she asked then wished she hadn't, "I'm sorry, El, I didn't mean it to be rude, I just…you're a great guy, what happened with you and Michelle?"

Elliot exhaled pulling the pillows close to her body, "I already told you." He said softly, words coated in something she couldn't recognize immediately, it was foreign to his voice…it was doubt or perhaps, self-loathing, she couldn't decide which.

When he slid into the bed next to her, she felt the safety of his chest against her, felt his hand fall to her waist, not out of possession, simply out of comfort, she covered his hand with her own, "I hope you'll trust me one day, with what really happened between you two."

Elliot swallowed, "Only if you can trust the answer."

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Elliot's eyes fluttered open his hand still on her waist, he was going to wake her, to tell her to shift positions so her body didn't ache more, but somehow she already managed to do so, her body resting on the pillows, no weight applied to her shoulder. He decided she would be fine while he slipped out and made a small breakfast for the both of them.

He was in the process of pouring a glass of orange juice when he heard it…the frantic scream of his name. He dropped the glass, unconcerned with the spilled juice or shattered glass that covered the floor. He sprinted, covering the span of the house in a manner of ten strides only to run into her bedroom seeing her sitting up at an awkward angle clutching her belly.

"Elliot!"

"What? What is it? The baby?" He asked sitting on the edge of the bed, "Tell me what it is? Do you need me to call the doctor?"

"No…no I need you to be quiet." She smiled then suddenly jumped and grabbed his hand resting it under her pajama shirt on her stomach, "Feel that?"

"No what are y-" He stopped immediately at the gentle sensation of her baby kicking within her, he grinned, "Oh my goodness…is that the baby?"

"Yeah," She laughed, a spark in her eye he hadn't seen in months, "Yeah I think it is…she woke me up."

"She?" Elliot asked as she rested her hand next to his feeling the baby move again.

"Or he…or they." She grinned, "El?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm keeping the baby…I…I want this baby, this is amazing." She confessed with a smile that was probably the biggest grin he'd ever seen.

He smiled, exhaled in relief, "I'm so glad you've decided that."

"I wasn't going to, but when he kicked…that was amazing, remarkable, miraculous." She grinned, "Now, I think I understand what Jonah meant."

"About what?"

She smiled at the memory, "We were talking one evening and it was funny to me that he was the chemist but he believed in creationism, I'm not the scientist and I believed in evolution," she stroked her stomach again, "This is creationism, no doubt, man…how could I have missed it? This is…wow." She laughed as if she weren't shot, as if she weren't a widow…she smiled as if she were a happily expecting…mom.

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"Come in." Olivia yelled from the couch, there was no way she was getting up to answer the door.

"Hey!" Casey grinned opening the door and closing it behind her, "How are you, Robocop?"

"Funny." Olivia rolled her eyes, "Real original Case."

Casey laughed moved to her and hugged her softly careful of her arm, "How have you been?"

Olivia grinned, "I have something that is gonna make your day."

Casey sat across from her, clearly intrigued, "Oh, do tell." She leaned in, happy to see Olivia eyes seemed happier than they had been, her face glowed, her smile was back.

"Well…how do you feel about…being called Aunt Casey?"

Casey furrowed her brows, "I thought Elliot and Michelle broke up?"

"What?" Olivia smiled at her misunderstanding, "They did…wait, how did you know that?"

"Please," Casey rolled her eyes, "He's grumpier than normal, frustrated, and if he's not sleeping here, then Fin and Munch find him in the crib, hell, he showed up at my door step about a week ago to have a drink."

"What?" Olivia furrowed her brows, "You two don't get along."

"Well, what was I suppose to do? Couldn't turn him away, you have enough on your plate and Fin and Munch would just take him out to get him sloshed." She shrugged her shoulders, "He's got something going on…I think Michelle thought he was cheating on her or something, I don't know he didn't make since, he looked like refried crap."

Olivia swallowed, absently rubbed her small swell of a belly, "He hasn't really said anything to me."

"Well speaking of him…where is he?"

"Store…apparently, I forgot to shop…again." She smiled sheepishly.

"Hey, Olivia?" Casey furrowed her brows, "You don't think Elliot would cheat do you?"

"Absolutely not…not a doubt in my mind, why do you ask?"

"I don't know…I think he is in love with someone else and just wont fess up." Casey informed her, "Oh before I forget," she smiled retrieving a small paper sac from her workbag, "One Hewlett Packard Palm Pilot belonging to Jonah Matthews…talk about pulling some strings to get this to you."

"How did you know I wanted it?" Olivia asked holding it in her hand, wanting to wait until she was alone to go through it.

"Elliot called me this morning and asked for it…he loves you, you know that?"

"He's a good man." Olivia shook her head and put the bag on the coffee table, "He's been here a lot for me…and I've been cruel to him at times…I haven't quite mastered my anger, with all of this."

"I think he understands." Casey assured her.

"I slapped him…more than once…actually about five times."

"Wow…what he do?"

Olivia exhaled, "Nothing…he took it…and then made sure I was taken care of…again."

"Sounds like, he wants the best for you, Olivia."

"Yeah, I wish there was something I could do for him though."

"Take him out." Casey shrugged, "He's loosing weight, doesn't look good, looks like he hasn't had a hair cut in, I don't know when."

"Really?" Olivia mulled it over, "Can I ask you a favor?"

"Sure, what's up?"

"Could you…help me get cleaned up? Maybe brush my hair? Makeup? I'm useless as a lefty." She smiled.

"Sure…what's the occasion?"

"I think, maybe I'll take Elliot out…or at least pay for the meal, he'll have to drive." She chuckled.

"Alright, need help up?"

"Um…yeah, actually if you could let me hold onto you."

Casey extended her forearm letting her left hand curl around it as she stood, balancing herself against Casey's body, "You good?"

"Yeah," Olivia assured her, as they walked back into Olivia's room.

"What would you like to wear?"

"I can get my clothes, I think." She assured her moving to the drawer and pulling open one side of the drawer only to find the she needed her other hand to open it smoothly, Casey saw her struggle, walked the dresser and opened the drawer for her. "Thanks." Olivia exhaled, rummaging through her clothing.

"Hey, you were gonna tell me something and I got you off track."

Olivia grinned tossing a pair of jeans onto the bed with her favorite shirt, and sliding out of her flannels, "Do I look fat to you?"

Casey laughed, "Is that your big secret? Your gaining your weight back?"

"Actually," Olivia grinned, "I'm still a couple pounds shy…doc says I need to gain more weight for the baby." She blushed knowing Casey would catch the wording.

"Baby?" Casey's eyes widened, "Your pregnant?"

The grin intensified, "Yep."

"Wow," Casey was speechless, "Wow, that's amazing…I'm assuming from that cheesy, grin that you're happy about it?"

"At first," Olivia sat slowly struggling to get her long legs into the jeans with one hand, "I didn't want to the baby…I thought about an abortion." She whispered, "Can you help me pull them up please?"

"Sure." Casey helped her stand, "You were saying?" she asked pulling Olivia's jeans to her waist and buttoning and zipping them.

"I…Elliot found out I was pregnant…I had drank too much the night…Jonah…left." She looked away.

"Okay…what happened?"

"He took me to the OB the next day, the baby is fine in the womb, but as far as long term effects…they wont know until he's born."

"He?"

"Or she." Olivia grinned, "Can you help me with this shirt?"

"Sure…wow, this is really amazing, I'm really happy for you, Olivia."

"Well that's good," Olivia smiled, "Because I'm scared out of my mind." She chuckled nervously as Casey gently removed her pajama top, ending up in the back on Olivia.

"Hand me your bra." Casey informed her.

"Casey Novak," Olivia laughed, "Are you uncomfortable?"

"What? No…I just thought you might be, I know under all that bravado, your shy." Casey teased.

"Pegged me." Olivia smiled slipping her bra over her form and allowing Casey to clasp it behind her. "Thank you."

"No prob…shirt?"

Olivia handed it to her, "I thought about giving the baby up for adoption."

"Still thinking about it?" Casey asked softly preparing the shirt only to find that the hem had come loose "Liv, you can't wear this, the hems out."

"Again?" Olivia frowned, "I love that shirt."

"Want me to pull something else out for you?"

"Yes, please…I felt the baby kick for the first time today, and it changed my mind immediately." She informed her as she stepped to her with a different t-shirt in hand.

"I'm glad you changed your mind Olivia, your gonna be a great mother, and the support from all of us is obvious…right, you know we're there for you?"

"Yeah." Olivia smiled starting the painful task of worming her way into a tee shirt. Casey hugged her softly, squeezing her waist instead of her shoulders.

"Your gonna be a fantastic mother." She assured her again and separated, "Shoes now or later?"

"Um, may as well…I have slip-ons in the closet."

Casey rummaged around found a pair of white sketcher slip-ons and placed them at her feet, "What time is Elliot suppose to be back?"

"Oh," Olivia rolled her eyes, "who knows…do you know he shops with a calculator?"

"Serious?" Casey laughed, "Wow…who would have known?"

"I was pretty surprised." Olivia chuckled then frowned when she noticed the tee shirt Casey had put on her.

"You okay?"

"Hmm? Yeah, fine…thanks…can you run a brush through my hair, I did this morning but, it doesn't fall right with my left hand." She informed her running her fingers along the hem of the shirt that was actually one of Jonah's, he'd bought it, decided it was a little too tight for him and past it off to her as a shirt she could work around the house in.

"Where's the brush?"

"Um, top drawer in the restroom, can you bring my makeup bag too please?"

"Absolutely." Casey smiled, "It's good to see you cooperative and not putting up a fight."

"To tired." Olivia chuckled, "Body is killing me."

"Maybe you shouldn't go out." Casey suggested retrieving the requested items and moving back to her,"Maybe you should stay in and rest…watch a chick flick you've got stashed around here."

"I don't have chick flicks stashed."

Casey smiled and started to brush her hair gently, "If that's what helps you sleep at night."

Olivia smiled to herself, she didn't know why she thought her friends wouldn't help her through this, but she was surprised to feel at ease asking Casey to help her with trivial things like brushing her hair. "Alright," Casey smiled tipping Olivia's chin up and moving one last tendril of hair, "I think that looks more like you."

Olivia smiled, "Thank you so much…it hasn't been combed right in a week, it was driving me nuts."

Casey laughed, "Who knew you were such a girl?"

"Just don't let it get out." Olivia smiled

"Alright, what type of make-up are we going for? Dark and dramatic? Sexy? What?"

Olivia rolled her eyes, "How about, the I'm-taking-a-friend-to-dinner-look?"

Casey pouted, "Natural?"

"Natural."

"No dark eyeliner?"

"Not if you want to live." She smiled and then felt Casey's hands smooth in foundation, she watched her, watched her concentration, "You never asked."

"Asked what?" She replied rummaging through the bag and retrieving an eyebrow pencil.

"Who the father of the baby was." She suggested knowing she would have already had to of done the math, she would have at least suspected there was the possibility.

Casey shrugged filling in her brows, "None of my business."

"It didn't cross your mind?" Olivia asked out of curiousness as she rolled her eyes up and felt the coolness of mascara cover her lashes.

"It crossed my mind that you didn't say how far along you were and I don't know if that's because of some of the fuzzy decisions you made but then it crossed my mind that it wasn't any of my business, if you want me to know," she turned away grabbing a tube of liquid lipstick, "you'll tell me." She whispered almost to herself as she applied the lipstick.

"The baby is Jonah's."

Casey looked at her, smiled as she placed the make up back in the bag, "Did he know?"

"No." Olivia shook her head and exhaled, "I was going to tell him the night he died, I knew that morning but I wanted to surprise him, he'd wanted a baby for so long, I didn't want to just tell him when I was rushing off to work…guess I should have."

Casey rested her hand on her thigh, "You couldn't have known what was gonna happen."

"I miss him…a lot actually." She confessed and before Casey could say anything else they both heard Elliot walk through the door.

"Liv? I got tons of food here," He called to her, "Is Casey here, I thought I saw her car?" he asked, stopping at the door frame and smiling, "Wow, you look really great, Liv…you two going out?"

Casey stood to her feet, "Actually, no, I have to be somewhere, I just dropped off some stuff for her and got caught up with a few things." She assured him, "I'll call you Olivia." She smiled and let herself out.

"Wow," Olivia arched her brows, "You and Novak, civil in the same room…what's the world coming to?"

Elliot smiled, "Lets say, I'm trying to bury the hatchet with her."

"Oh," Olivia grinned, "You want a date with Novak…I could get you one your know."

Elliot smirked, "I'm not bury the hatchet that deep, just trying to be friendly."

"Why the change in heart?" she asked holding the make up bag between her thighs and zipping it slowly.

Elliot sat on the edge of the bed next to her, "I thought I lost you Liv." He told her softly starring at the carpet.

"What?" she asked confused.

"There was so much blood." He muttered, "I thought…I thought you would die in the ambulance." He confessed.

"Hey," She smiled rubbing his back with her good hand, "you know I'm too stubborn to die in an ambulance, all cramped up," She teased, "You know I'd want to go out with a bang like dying on the operating table after they shocked the hell out of me."

"Liv!" he groaned, "don't do that…please." He rested his hand on her thigh, his head lightly against her temple, "I thought you were gone…and I didn't know what I was going to do."

"Well," she smiled at him, "I'm here…making your life miserable all through the night." She chuckled, "Go out with me tonight, I want to take you out…feed you, my treat."

"Liv, you don't have too, besides, you're in no condition to-"

"Hey," she pointed into his chest, "I just had to have my best friend brush my hair and do my make-up not to mention get my butt into these fantastic jeans…you are driving us to your favorite restaurant, then a movie, and if I haven't past out from exhaustion by then we can do something else, if you'd like."

He smiled against her, "I have to put the groceries up."

"Let me help." She said standing to her feet slightly more confidant, "Come on I got one good arm, let me help?"

He shook his head, "Alright, just the light stuff though."

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"This is your favorite restaurant?" Olivia asked with a grin, "The diner we eat breakfast at every morning we're on duty is your favorite restaurant?"

"No." He shrugged, "But, I've missed being able to sit across from you here, and hear your goofy laugh." He teased stepping out of his truck as she surprised him by stepping out on her own and closing the door with a slam. "I swear, one day your gonna slam the door right off its hinges."

"Sorry." She blushed, "I forget…and by the way, my laugh is not goofy…its inane"

"Inane…insane…whatever." He laughed opening the door for her.

"I don't think I've been here for anything other than breakfast." She laughed.

"Either have I." He confessed.

"Yet you chose this restaurant out of all the ones in New York?" She grinned.

"Told you." He shrugged, "I miss our time together here, it prepares me for the day."

"Oh, shut up." She grinned.

"I'm serious." He laughed, it's a good way to start the morning off, especially if someone is stupid enough to try and hit on you…your response really makes my day." He grinned then looked up at the waitress.

"Hey," She smiled, "Odd to see you two here at this time."

"Yeah," Olivia grinned, "Odd to see you too."

"Double shifts." The waitress grinned, "Can I get you two something?"

"I'll have the usual." Elliot informed her closing his menu.

"Your breakfast?" She furrowed her brows.

"Yeah…yeah I'm good for that." He grinned.

"And you detective Matthews?" the young waitress smiled.

Olivia hesitated, the sound of her name, visibly shaking her, she blinked, brought the waitress in to focus and forced a smiled, "I forgot, you knew us that well." She closed her menu, "I'll have my usual breakfast too, Whitney, thanks."

"No problem, I'll be back."

Olivia stared out the window then back at Elliot determined she would make this outing fun for him, "So, besides taking care of your crippled partner what's been on your mind?"

"Praying for my crippled partner." He smiled softly.

"Praying?" She furrowed her brows.

"Just for wisdom…safety, health blah blah." He added seeing it surprised her.

"You were really worried…about the baby weren't you?" She asked leaning into the table, surprised that he could care so much for her and a life that wasn't even in his own gene pool.

"The baby will be fine, I'm confidant of that." He told her, "But, yeah, I hoped you would keep the baby, so…that's what I prayed for…not my fault God listens to my prayers." He grinned.

"Dork."

"Thanks…how are you feeling though Liv…now that you want the baby, what are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking I better get my butt enrolled in a parenting class and go buy some books."

"Want to go to the bookstore after we eat?"

"You don't want to see a movie?"

"I think you'll fall asleep." He smiled.

"I think you're right, yeah, book store sounds good." She grinned, and then beamed when the waitress placed their food down in front of them.

"Did you need help Detective Matthews…with the cutting?" Whitney asked motioning to her shoulder, "Looks like you took one for the team huh?"

"More like, I was a sitting duck." Olivia smiled, "I'll be fine thanks."

"Alright, let me know if you two need anything." She grinned and walked away.

"So," Elliot smiled delving into his eggs, "do you want to know what the sex of the baby is?"

"No…I don't want to do that to myself." She scoffed tying to cut the slab of ham and finding that the fork wasn't working out so well, and her left hand wasn't contributing to success at the moment.

"Here." He smiled and reached over, running his own knife and fork through the ham, then the pancakes, and broke apart her hash browns, "I knew you'd tell her no."

"Didn't feel right." She said softly, "I hate not being able to fend for myself."

"Well, that's what I'm here for," He grinned, "To fend for you when you can't."

"That's very macho of you." She teased dousing her pancakes with syrup.

"That stuff'll kill ya Liv." He shook his head.

"Then I'll go out with a smile." She laughed as they ate, vaguely away that he had stretched his leg across the way, touching hers softly, rather it was accidental or intentional she wasn't sure, but decided to enjoy the contact of someone who cared for her anyway.

She laughed freely, in the company of a man who wasn't her husband. Elliot watched her through a grin, the old Liv, was slowly but surely coming back.

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"Who spends two hundred dollars at a book store?" He shook his head placing her bags in the truck.

"Apparently, pregnant ladies who don't have a clue about being a mom." She laughed closing the door softly; "See there, I remembered to go easy on your truck."

"Thank you…she was starting to take offense with your aggressive nature." He teased, "Are you tired?"

"No, not so much, lets do something…whatever you want."

He grinned at her, "Sure about that?"

"Yeah."

"Ok."

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Olivia stepped out of the truck and groaned, "Elliot…in case you haven't noticed, my arm doesn't work."

"Oh, come on." He encouraged her, "It's not the Latin stuff you love, but you haven't done it for a while, it'll be good for you."

"Elliot, this was suppose to be a night for you…not me." She informed him,

He ushered her into the still fairly empty lounge, his hand at the small of her back, an intimate touch for her, but she found that it made her feel safe when she already felt vulnerable from having to depend on him so much. "What if seeing you happy, makes me happy?"

"Then I'd say, I've got you tied around my little pinky." She grinned as he led her straight to the dance floor.

"You've got the whole precinct wrapped around your pinky." He laughed wrapping his hand around her waist as she stepped carefully to him, put her good arm around his neck and swaying gently with one another careful not to smash her arm, she rested her head on his shoulder.

She exhaled, "Thank you for this…I needed it." She smiled.

"Thank you," he smiled, "I needed this too."

"Rough time?"

"Yeah." He whispered, his hands on her hips.

"Want to tell me?"

"Don't know where to start." He chuckled then grew serious, "You scared the hell out of me, Liv."

"I know…I'm sorry, El."

"It wasn't your fault but…I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"What?" She asked confused, pulling back to see him, "What are you talking about?"

"When you were….bleeding…I told you that you were being selfish, and I think really, I was the one being selfish, I didn't want to let you go." He confessed.

She smiled softly, "I'm glad you kept me alive, I have a little one to think about now and…I would have never experienced her move."

"Her?" he asked smiling down at her.

"Maybe." She whispered licking her lips involuntarily, there was something about the proximity of him, something about the closeness that made her do it.

"Your all smiles today, Liv."

She blushed, "Got, a lot to smile about." She admitted, absently rubbing the back of his neck with her fingertips.

He slowed, swallowed hard, and felt his body temperature rise. Her face glowing, her eyes sparking with a happiness he hadn't seen from her in months, and in a moment her lips grazed his timidly, before she sipped softly from his bottom lip and separated his lips to gain entrance into a world that tasted of the mints he'd consumed after the book store, a faint trace of the coffee from the diner.

She deepened the kiss, her hand on his cheek, his on her waist as he brought her closer to him, her tongue stroking his gently before gliding teasingly across his teeth. Lungs burning for air, bodies responding involuntarily at the new sensation. She pulled back only enough to gain air.

She kissed him again, more passionately, feeling his hands caress her cheek until she breathed out, "Jonah."


	13. Chapter 13 A Few Missing Dates

A Beautiful Letdown

Chapter 13 A Few Missing Dates

"I can't believe I just did that." Olivia stepped back, stared down at her feet, anything to avoid the fact that she'd just kissed her partner and best friend, and in the process, called out her late husbands name.

"Um," Elliot furrowed his brows. What does one say in a situation such as this? "It's…it's okay, Liv…I shouldn't…I…I…it's okay, maybe just too much going on tonight, huh?"

Olivia closed her eyes, ran her hand through her hair and darted past him, "I have to go."

"Liv…wait!" he called after her, "Liv, it's okay, I understand." He informed her as he ran after her.

She raised her hand, signaling for a cab as soon as she stepped outside the lounge, "Elliot, I have to go."

"Let me take you home, come on, Olivia, your in no-"

"Elliot!" She yelled his name in frustration, "Why the hell are you so damn understanding?" she clenched her jaw, "I just…please, I need to go."

"Fine!" He barked, "You want to go home and lick your wounds, be my guest!" he told her as he walked away, then turned back, "So you made a mistake and kissed me?" he spoke in frustration, "I don't care…it doesn't give you a right to tuck your tail and run from me!"

She shook her head in frustration and slid into the backseat of the cab, leaving him standing in frustration, leaving him standing in the wake of a kiss, that he certainly didn't regret and definitely wanted more of.

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Casey lay sprawled out in her bed, case files taking up the space where, if she could ever find time, a lover should be laying, she'd drifted into sleep alone again, pouring over paper work that, because she was tired, was starting to make absolutely no since, no matter how many times she read the paragraph. It was somewhere between, when the words started to float together on the page and when she swore she had dyslexia that she finally called it quits and went to bed, that was right around one O'clock in the morning.

It was the phone that caused her tired eyelids to strain to bring the alarm clock into focus, she growled and picked up the phone, "This better be important, I fell asleep thirty minutes ago."

"Have you seen Olivia?"

"Elliot?" Casey ran her hand through her hair.

"Yeah, I'm sorry to call late, but Liv, and I…well, I can't find her."

"Well, it's one O'clock in the morning, she's probably in bed." Casey answered slightly irritated.

"Funny Casey," Elliot replied, "I've been waiting on her porch since we had the argument and she never came home."

"Argument? What?" She laid back on the pillow rubbing her burning eyes, "What happened?"

"Ah, I don't know," he lied, "We just…I hit a nerve with her and she beat feet on me."

"Smooth."

"I don't need sarcasm Casey, I need to find her."

"She's not here." Casey told him, "And I haven't heard form her. What time did she leave?"

"About ten, I think."

"Hm," Casey furrowed her brows, "three hours, you know what, I think I know where she is, I'll go."

"No, please tell me and I'll go." He pleaded.

"Elliot, think about it, she knows you like a book. She knows your camped out on her door step, which is why she isn't at home right now, settle down, I'll go get her and call you, Ok?"

Elliot exhaled over the phone, "Thanks Casey."

"Yeah, well, when I'm falling asleep in opening arguments tomorrow, I'll try to remember that you're thankful."

"You make it hard to bury the hatchet." He informed her.

"I'm sure you'll deal."

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"Hey, Jonah," Olivia called into the house, "I'm home."

"In here." He yelled from the playroom, a tinge of desperation in his voice.

"Hey," She smiled seeing him pat his clothing down and move things here and there on his desk, "whatchya looking for?" she grinned closing the distance between the two of them and kissing him softly on the mouth.

"Did you take my last pack of gum?" He asked kissing her back before looking through the drawer of his desk, "I can't find it and the gum machine is stuck again."

Olivia walked over to the machine jiggled the handle, hit it with her fist twice and watched as a piece of gum made its way down a spiraled piece of plexiglass and into the cubby where she reached in and pulled it out. "Here you go."

"Ah…life saver." He grinned popping in the red ball and chewing it.

"Why are you so stressed out?" She asked leaning against the desk.

"Ah, nothing, just this stupid formula, it's driving me up the wall."

"Tried the corn dogs?"

"Yeah, didn't work."

"Tried the B-52's?"

"Listened to Love Shack about nine hundred times today."

"What can I do for you?" she smiled sadly.

"Woaw, why the long face?"

"Ah," She shook her head, "Case."

"Want to talk?"

She exhaled, "What about your formula?"

"Sorry, you come before my formula…what's up?" he asked pulling her close to him, "you haven't even taken your gun off."

"I just…I just wanted to see you." She confessed resting her head on his shoulder, "You make things easier you know that?"

"I hope so." He told her stroking her back softly, "You can always talk to me."

"Thank you for the note today…I really needed it." She whispered.

"Your welcome, want to tell me what's going on?"

"Where's my slinky?" She asked looking around the room.

He pulled open a drawer and handed it to her, an object of comfort when she talked about cases that plagued her, cases that literally ate away at her, she moved it hand to hand, the sound of softly clanking metal comforting her, "Remember that picture I told you about…with the little boy buried twenty years ago?"

"Yeah?"

"I had to question this guy in prison…sick." She whispered.

"How so?"

"We stumbled on his collection of hats, that he took as souvenirs form the children he molested…it was the weirdest thing I'd ever seen, Jonah, he picked up the hats and smelled them and told me the name of the boy, the date, everything…sick." She swallowed, shifted the angle of the slinky so that it was up and down, "Sometimes I hate my job."

"What else happened?"

"Nothing."

"Your not being honest." He whispered, "You move the slinky left to right, when you want to talk freely, you move it up and down, when you want to talk buy can't." he smiled.

"Observant." She smiled softly.

"Attentive." He countered, "What happened, that's got you upset?"

She placed the slinky on the desk, rubbed the back of her neck with her hands, "He was molested when he was a boy." She whispered.

"And?" he furrowed his brows, "I thought you said most molesters are victims themselves?"

"They are."

"Then why are you surprised?"

"Not surprised…worried."

"Worried?"

"Yeah, antonym of calm." She replied sarcastically, "Sorry, I wasn't trying to be snotty."

He smiled, "Tell me why you're worried."

"If we do end up pregnant…" her voice trailed off.

"What?"

"Do you think….it's…I don't…you don't think-"

"Olivia," he caressed her face softly, "what your mom did to you, was wrong…but your not your mom and I know you'd never hurt our children." He assured her softly, "You might have been a victim, but I see you only as a survivor…not a doubt in my mind that you wont be a great mom." He assured her kissing her lips softly.

She exhaled, rested her head back on his shoulder, "Why do you make things so easy?"

"Life is easy." He smiled.

"No its not." She scoffed.

"Sure it is," He assured her stroking her back, "You've got to pick your battles…it's not about how many times we fall, its about how many times we get back up…and you have always gotten back up." He assured her.

"Doesn't mean its easy." She complained.

"Nope," He agreed, "but its worth it isn't it?"

She smiled and looked up at him, "You make it worth it your know that? When things are hard, when I don't know what to do…you bring things into focus for me."

Jonah laughed, "I'm a corn dog."

She rolled her eyes, "We'll you got the corny part right."

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Casey drew her coat around her body as she stepped out of her car, half way compassionate and half way wanting to kill both Olivia and Elliot. _They should just have sex and get it over with_. She shook her head walking along the sidewalk; _I can't believe I just thought that about those two. _She smiled to herself and turned the corner, at two O'clock in the morning there was only one person standing on the pier, in the darkness, she couldn't say it was definitely Olivia but the outline of her form made her walk to her.

Casey watched Olivia bounce that ridiculous mini slinky she carried with her off of the ledge of the pier, her right hand incapable of helping her with the motion, she lifted the slinky up, let it fall ream by ream and repeated. Casey leaned over the rail next to Olivia, "Hey."

"Hey." Olivia stopped the motion, tucking the slinky back into her jacket, "What are you doing here?"

"Thought I'd go fishing off the pier." Casey shrugged looking out over the water.

"You don't know how to fish." Olivia reminded her as she looked watched the pale white of the waves cresting in the distance.

"Damn," Casey snapped her fingers, "Then you should have went somewhere else, I could have come up with a better story than Elliot calling me at one thirty in the morning because he couldn't' find you."

"How did you know I'd be here?"

"Please." Casey smacked her lips, "He proposed to you here, there's two places you have always went when your bothered, here or the coffee shop…coffee shop is closed…I should be a detective I'm so good." She teased wrapping her hand around Olivia's waist and giving her a friendly squeeze, "want to tell me what the argument was about?"

"Argument?" Olivia finally looked at her and furrowed her brows, "What argument?"

"Elliot said you two had an argument and you split."

"Oh," Olivia shook her head softly, "Wasn't really an argument so much as a lack of judgment."

"On his part?"

"Mine." She confessed softly.

"Ah…well, I'm all ears when you're ready to talk."

"Casey?"

"That's me."

Olivia smiled faintly at her response, "Do you think that I'm…" Her voice trailed off.

"Do I think you're what?"

"Do you think, that maybe I'm taking Jonah's death a little too hard?"

"What?" Casey furrowed her brow, "Olivia, he was your husband, your allowed to be hurt, frustrated, confused, angry and any other emotion that should decide to present itself in the next year or so." She smiled softly, "Even an attraction to Elliot."

"What!" Olivia faked shock, "I'm not…I'm not, Case, we've talked about this, I'm not attracted to Elliot."

"So why'd you kiss him?"

"What?" She raised her brows, "Did he tell you that I kissed him?"

"No." Casey smiled, "But the look on your face right now, just did."

"Your such a prosecutor."

"Should have seen it coming." She shrugged, grew silent for a moment, "I think he understands, Olivia."

"That's just it…_why_ does he understand?"

"Huh?" Casey furrowed her brow shoving her hands into her jacket pocket for warmth.

"Why does he care so much?" Olivia licked her drying lips, "Why, is he trying so hard?"

Casey laughed "Olivia, he's your friend, he wants what's best for you, he wants you to be happy again, we all want that for you…and for the record, why are _you_ so bothered that he cares so much?"

"I don't know…I feel bad that I'm so friggin stubborn, and all he does is put up with it, Jonah, would have called me on it, he would have kicked my ass by now."

"Maybe your kicking your own ass so much that we don't see the need to do it." Casey said softly, "You got to stop killing your self Olivia…have you went to Jonah's grave since the funeral?"

"No." she whispered bowing her head, "Some wife, huh?" she scoffed.

"Stop." Casey said firmly, "Stop beating yourself over the head, you know as well as I do, that the grieving process is different for everyone, all I'm saying is…go, it'll be good for you." She encouraged her.

Olivia exhaled, "Yeah, maybe I'll go tomorrow."

"Good," Casey exhaled, "Now, if you don't mind, we've got to go, it's getting nipply out here."

"Don't you mean nippy?" Olivia furrowed her brows.

Casey laughed, "I didn't put on a bra…its nipply out here."

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"Ben and Jerry's?" Casey asked as she and Olivia walked down the hallway to her house.

"Check." Olivia responded.

"Doritos?"

"Definitely." Olivia smiled, "Were gonna get fat."

"That we are." Casey smiled, "Want to watch a movie?"

"It's three O'clock in the morning…of course." Olivia grinned softly, "Hey, thanks for letting me crash at your place, I have a feeling Elliot is still at mine." She informed Casey then stopped when she noticed Casey had stopped at the end of the hall a look of pure fury on her face. Olivia followed her gaze to the opposite side of the hall and saw Elliot standing, or rather, pacing in front of her door.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Casey barked.

"You said you'd call." Elliot bit back, "Olivia are you okay?"

Olivia sat her jaw, "I'm fine, why are you here?"

"I was worried, I couldn't find you."

"I didn't want to be found." She exhaled.

"Liv-"

"Elliot," Casey interjected, "You shouldn't have come, I told you I would call, and I would have."

"It's been two hours Casey."

Casey sucked in breath for a good yell, "And it would have been twenty more minutes!"

"She's my partner!" He stood toe to toe with the red head.

"I don't care if she's the bloody Dali Lama, Elliot, you didn't need to come here, I told you I would get her!"

"Stop yelling!" Olivia rubbed her temple as the two continued to argue in front of her, oblivious to the fact that she had asked them to stop.

"I get that you worry about her Stabler!" Casey pointed to him, "But your being over protective, she's not a damn kid!"

"Stop yelling!" Olivia shouted just as a man from one of the apartments opened the door.

"Keep it down it's the middle of the night."

Without missing a beat all three turned around to face the man, "Shut up!" they barked in unison and turned to continue their battle.

"I'm going to puke." Olivia whispered holding her stomach as they argued back and forth, "Someone open the damn door please!" she grimaced.

Casey fumbled for her keys as Olivia clamped her hand over her mouth, sheer desperation in her face, she wasn't gonna make it. Elliot looked frantically around and ushered her as quickly as possible to the fire escape just in time for her to blow chunks. She grimaced at the strain in her shoulder as her body heaved over the railing.

"Well," Elliot looked down to survey the damage done, "Sucks to be the owner of that car."

Olivia rested her head on her forearm and moaned, "This isn't funny."

"Sure it is." Elliot smiled rubbing her back, "I'm sure when he wakes up and sees half masticated food on his car, he'll get a kick out of it." He said playfully, "Come on, Liv, I'll walk you back to Casey's and leave you alone."

"Elliot?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry, I did that to you tonight…I don't know what happened."

Elliot smiled as his heart plummeted. He wasn't sorry she'd kissed him, but somehow her apologizing for it hurt…a lot. "I'm sorry I treated you like a child by coming here…but I did bring your wraps and gauze. I'll explain it to Casey how to do it."

Olivia exhaled, "Thanks."

"Wow," Elliot teased "you need a mint."

She smiled shaking her head as they headed back to the apartment, "Bite me, Stabler."

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"Ouch! What the hell?" Olivia barked to the doctor as he clipped one of the sutures.

"Sorry," The doctor smiled, "Getting shot, isn't too rosy huh?"

"Yeah, no kidding." Olivia grimaced, "I've been a forced lefty for the past two weeks, I'm dying he- OUCH! Sonovab-"

"Will she need PT?" Elliot interjected holding her hand as she clamped down on it.

"Yeah, her shoulder is gonna be sore as hell." The doctor smiled.

"Oh," Olivia replied sarcastically, "you mean, because it feels _so fantastic_ right now?"

The doctor chuckled, "You're spunky."

"Why thank you." Olivia grinned then winced again.

"Alright, Olivia." The doctor warned her, "This is gonna hurt like hell."

"What is gon-" The pain that she experienced must have been tremendous as she bore down on Elliot's hand grinding his knuckles together, producing enough pain in him as she cursed like a sailor. He supported himself on the table as his knees started to cave, until there was finally release.

"What the hell was that?" Olivia panted.

"There was some cotton stuck in the wound, had to dig for it or it could have caused some problems." The doctor said apologetically, "Ready for the front?"

Olivia glared, "Don't you believe in doping people up before you torture them?"

"Well, we could except your pregnant…got to suck it up." He shrugged.

Olivia rolled her eyes, "I show you suck it up."

"What?" The doctor smiled.

"Hmm?" She feigned innocence, "Nothing."

"Careful doc," Elliot teased, "She'll kick you in your nuts if you stand in front of her."

"Elliot!"

The doctor blushed and moved to the side as he snipped carefully at the sutures, "Should feel like bee stings."

"Great," Olivia groaned, "I'm allergic to bees."

The doctor laughed, "Your partners right, feisty little woman."

Elliot avoided the death stare he knew she was shooting him at that precise moment.

"There ya go, all done." The doctor smiled, "I'll go get you a referral for PT and you should be on your way, I'll be back to talk to you in a couple of minutes, go ahead and get changed, start working that arm, but lightly. There's a mirror there if you'd like to see." He informed her before he stepped out of the room.

"Elliot?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you hand me the mirror please?"

Elliot saw the wound; saw how in mangled her flesh both on the front and back, "Liv, why don't you wait for the redness to go aw-"

Olivia slid off of the table and slowly grabbed the mirror before sitting back down, tucking the paper robe under her jean clad thighs, she lowered the front of her gown just enough to see the wound; a small gasp emitting from her lips as she caught a glimpse of her flesh in the mirror. She laid it at her side wiping a tear she hoped he hadn't seen; knew he had.

"What's up with you and IAB?" She whispered sliding off of the table and reaching for her shirt.

"Liv." Elliot spoke softly knowing she was trying to avoid the subject of the permanent mark on her body.

"Elliot…please, what's going on with IAB?" she whispered sliding the shirt over her right arm and then her left before pulling it down, thankful the doctor had let her stay in her jeans.

"They haven't cleared me yet, and Cragen, well, he's keeping me updated." He assured her, not wanting to dump the whole fiasco on her right now, not wanting to tell her that he's in more trouble than he knows what to do with, not wanting to tell her that, if this investigation goes bad, it wont be a write up in his jacket, it'll be his badge and gun on Cragen's desk.

"What's taking so long? It was text book wasn't it?" She asked, "My memory is still not so good with what happened." She confessed tossing the paper gown into the trash.

"Text book." He lied, fact of the matter was, he made a few bad decisions all in a split second, "Hey Liv, did you ever get Jonah's Palm Pilot back?" he asked, anything to change the subject.

"Yeah." She shook her head softly. .

"Find what you were looking for?"

She shook her head left to right and exhaled, "Every time I think about it…I chicken out, I haven't even gotten it out of the bag." She confessed, "Got to pick your battles…makes things easier." She smiled softly as a knock at the door interrupted them, "Come on in." she mumbled as the doctor entered.

"Elliot? Its Elliot isn't it?" The doctor asked.

"Yes." Elliot furrowed his brow.

The doctor handed him a prescription paper, "There's some ointment that I'm going to prescribe for her, you'll get out of here quicker if you go down to the pharmacy and pick it up while I tie up some loose ends here."

Olivia and Elliot furrowed their brows at one another, something about the way the doctor put it didn't sit right with either one of them but Olivia nodded her head indicating she would be fine. Elliot took one last look at the doctor and turned to leave, "I'll wait for you at the pharmacy, Liv."

"Kay." She muttered watching him leave before turning her gaze to the doctor, "What's with the covert operation, am I dying or something?"

"No." The doctor laughed and extended his hand, "I'm Richard."

She furrowed her brow, a small smirk on her lips as she shook his hand, "Okay…good to know…I guess."

"So," the doctor leaned against a small sink, "he's your partner?"

"It would seem so, yes."

"Not…like, a boyfriend or husband?" the doctor asked.

Olivia groaned inwardly, "No, not a boyfriend or husband." She smiled sliding off the table wanting to catch up with Elliot as soon as possible.

"So, then," Richard slid his hands in his pockets, "would it be okay if I asked you out?"

Olivia stopped dead in her tracks, "You don't see anything wrong with this situation?"

"Should I?"

Olivia pointed to her stomach that was still hidden in spite of having gained her weight back, she seemed to be showing only slightly, "Pregnant." She arched her brows, still trying to be polite while inwardly she wanted to slug him.

"Well then," He smiled, "Its true, pregnant women are gorgeous."

"Unbelievable." She muttered shaking her head.

"Come on," He smiled, "Go out with me…just drinks."

"Pregnant women don't drink." She replied dryly, "You should know that…being a doctor and all."

"Okay…diner." He grinned, "I hear pregnant women eat."

She shook her head and raised her left hand wiggling her ring finger, "Married."

The doctor furrowed his brow, "Yet he wasn't here when you needed him, you had to come with your colleague? Sounds like he doesn't really care for you." He told her, "Come on, marriage is a state of mind, go out with me…he couldn't even be here, what do you think? Movie, dinner?"

She wasn't exactly sure why it was that her body constantly responded before her mind could tell her not to do something, but in a split second she'd slapped the 'good doctor' right across his face, "My husband is none of your concern," she choked out, "and as far as what I think," She stepped closer to him as he touched his fingers to the corner of his mouth, "I think I should have kicked you in your nuts."

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"You okay?" Elliot furrowed his brows.

"Yeah." She shook her head softly, "What did he prescribe me?"

Elliot rolled his eyes, "Neosporin, can you bleive that? I told the pharmacy to cancel the order, didn't make since to pay a fifteen dollar co-payment when I can stop by the store for you on the way home and get a five dollar tube."

She smiled soflty, "Thanks…PT?"

"Got you shedualed for tomorrow," He grinned.

"Whats with the cheesy grin?"

"Oh, your gonna love the time." He smiled.

She groaned, "When?"

"Eight A.M sharp."

She rolled her eyes, "Fantastic, I'm usually hanging my heads over a toilet at that time."

"Oh, I knew you'd love it." He grinned, "Lunch?"

"Starving."

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"How's it feel to have your arm back?" Elliot asked as she slowly brought food to her mouth, insisting she eat with her right hand, no matter how long it took.

"It's good." She muttered holding the fork half way to her mouth only to see the food fall back to the plate. She rolled her eyes, tried again.

"Liv?"

"Elliot." She responded focusing on the food, willing it to stay on the fork.

"Can I ask you something personal?"

"Never stopped you before." She informed him finally getting the food into her mouth and chewing the sweet delicacy as if she were a starving child at her first meal of the month.

"How are the SA meetings going? I mean, I drop you off, pick you up…but you don't say too much."

She laughed, mostly out of embracement, "What do you want me to say? 'Hey, El, my sex-a-holics anonymous class is going really great'? " She replied sarcastically.

He shrugged his shoulders, "Yeah, actually, I guess that would be good."

She looked at him for a second, studied him as she swallowed, "Okay…the shrink says I need a hobby…so that, when I feel like…um," she rolled her eyes, "Wow, so, this is humiliating."

Elliot smiled compassionately, "The shrink wants you to get a hobbie so that when you want to act out, you can distract yourself." He finished for her, "Have you decided on anything?"

"I have a few things in mind," she confessed, "Just waiting for the arm to improve."

"Care to share?"

"Um…not right now." She shook her head, "do you mind if I sort of…keep it to myself for now?"

"Nope…just gad your going to the meetings…have you, um…have you…since."

She laughed at his nervousness, "Elliot, I was shot." She grinned, "But even if I wasn't I'd like to think I wouldn't have."

He smiled, blushed, "Good."

She leaned back, looked out the window, a faint smile over her lips, "Yeah."

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Olivia slipped into bed, thankful that for the first time, she didn't need help, she didn't need someone to help her dress, although it hurt like hell to do it herself, it was manageable without the wraps. She placed a pillow just under her still sore arm and was just about to drift off when her body jerked back into wakefulness, the small flutter of her baby moving here and there.

"Stretching?" Olivia grinned rubbing her belly, "Or just partying in there?" she asked feeling the baby kick again, "Your lively." She chuckled to herself and then, just as soon as the baby had started to move she stopped. Olivia turned her head to the nightstand and stared directly at the brown sac that contained Jonah's palm pilot.

She furrowed her brow, bit her bottom lip and slowly sat up reaching for the bag, she opened it and pulled out the small black case. Took a deep breath and unzipped the case holding the gadget in her hand. She smiled to herself pushing the power button to find that the battery was dead.

She climbed out of bed, made her way to the office and rummaged through Jonah's desk coming across his favorite picture of the two of them, the one of them from Halloween where they'd dressed up like the characters from the Matrix. He said she looked hot in the boots, she said he looked hot regardless. She smiled to herself, pulled the photo from the desk drawer and set it out making a note to place it in a frame later. She found the charger and plugged it into the wall, powering the device on. The problem was, it didn't prompt her for a password that should have been her name.

She furrowed her brow immediately, Jonah's wallpaper on the screen went to default instead of the custom picture he had of him crossing the finish line, taking first place in a bicycling race last year. She decided it was nothing and opened up his calendar, using the stylus to navigate here and there, only to find key dates missing, her birthday wasn't set on the calendar, their anniversary wasn't there, the date to pick up his car was nowhere to be found, yet every speaking engagement he had was properly entered, date time location.

It was the notation for January 23rd of this year that caught her eye, it was memorable because he was late picking her up from work, really late, without so much as a phone call. She didn't have time to change and still be able to make their reservations, so they canceled diner and got hoagies while they walked through central park. He'd said he was late because his motorcycle stalled on him, yet according to this particular entry he was meeting some one named Jones, when he should have been on the way to pick her up.

She looked at the palm pilot noticed that the scratch she'd accidentally put in the screen was suddenly gone, she furrowed her brow remembering how he almost had a heart attack when she'd dropped it in the gravel, the back should have been chipped as well. The problem with that fact was that when she turned the Palm Pilot over, the casing was immaculate…as if had just come from the store.


	14. Chapter 14 We'll Start Again Tomorrow

A Beautiful Letdown

Chapter 14 We'll Start Again Tomorrow

"So, why do you have sex with men you don't know?"

Olivia stared at the councilor, stuck between shock and absolute humiliation with the question. She furrowed her brow, swallowed and exhaled, "If I _knew_, would I be here?"

"Why _are_ you here?" The councilor asked shifting in her seat.

Olivia shook her head, "Are all shrinks like this?"

"Are all sex-a-holics like you?" The councilor retorted and leaned forward, "Olivia, we've been meeting now for a few weeks, and you won't open up…this is a safe place, there is no judgment, no rejection here…but you've got to take the first step, I can ask questions all day long but unl-"

"I'm not…I'm not addicted to sex." She whispered resting her elbow on her leg and supporting her head, her hand hiding the shame in her eyes, "I'm not that person."

The councilor exhaled, "How many men have you slept with since Jonah died?"

"Don't say his name." Olivia looked up sharply, stared at the woman in front of her, "Don't you dare say his name." She seethed.

"Alright." she whispered and leaned back in her chair, watching as Olivia stood to her feet and walked to the window, leaning against the wall and peering out over the city. "But the question still remains, Olivia, how many people have you slept with since you're husband died?"

"I'm…not sure." She confessed bowing her head and starring out the window, deciding that the city was moving too fast. She wanted to open up the window and tell the people they needed to slow down, enjoy the time they had, smell a flower, caress their husbands, their wives.

"Five?"

"More."

"Ten? Fifteen?"

"Does it matter?" Olivia whispered, "You can't spin this into something it isn't," She shook her head and exhaled, "I'm a slut, a whore…there's no way to change it." She explained her logic as she tried to fight her tears.

"You're a detective, correct?"

Olivia crossed her arms over her chest, smiled when a young toddler reached up from the stroller to a mother's awaiting arms, "I don't mean to sound brash, but, I use to be the best…my husband, accepted nothing less, my partner accepts nothing less."

"_Use_ to be the best?" The councilor asked.

"There are days, when I think that the best of me, is capable of showing itself."

"What makes it hide?" The councilor prodded.

"The days that I remember the men," She answered honestly, shamefully, regretfully. "They're hands on my body, they're breath…they're touch. I remember them, every waking second and I know that…I've betrayed him." She whispered turning her face and swiping quickly at her tear, unwilling to break in front of a woman that she didn't want to be talking to in the first place.

"Who do you feel you've betrayed?" The councilor asked already knowing the answer.

Olivia bowed her head, rubbed the back of her neck with her hand, "My husband."

"Olivia, you couldn't have betrayed him…he's dead-"

"Don't you think I know that!" Olivia turned and faced the councilor in anger, "Don't you think I know he's dead, when I reach for him at night, and he's not there!" The tears started to come, angry and hot and bitter, "Don't you think I know that, when I want to make love to him and he's not there!" she shouted, "I know he's dead!" she yelled with balled fists, "I know he's never coming back!" her voice became hoarse, a faint whisper, "I know he left me."

The councilor, seemingly un-dazed, leaned back in the chair, "And yet the question still stands…how many?"

Olivia shook her head softly, closed her eyes at the number that screamed through her mind. She opened them again and watched a suited man argue with a hot dog vendor. She wanted to open the window, tell him that life was too short for that, tell him to go home and hug his children. She licked her lips, "I'm not sure, I told you that already."

The councilor shifted in her chair again, "Olivia, I've been doing this for twenty years, and a woman in you're shoes…always knows. Would you tell the victims you work with to hide from the truth or face it head on?"

Olivia slammed her fist against the back of the chair that was inches from her thigh, "I'm not a victim!" She barked, "I did this to _myself_…don't you dare compare my screw up's to their pain!"

"You _are_ a victim." The councilor responded softly, as she stood to her feet, "You had you're husband violently taken from you, you're trying to cope as best as you can…even if it means destroying yourself…would he have wanted that for you?"

"Don't!" Olivia pointed at the woman, "Don't you dare try to psychoanalyze my relationship with my husband, don't you dare try to tell me what he would have wanted!" Olivia swiped at her angry tears, "I was his wife, Damnit! Not you! I knew him!"

"Yes you did." She smiled softly and extended her palm to meet Olivia's shoulder, "You did know him, and so the questions still remain, how many…and would he have wanted that for you?"

Olivia eyed her, narrowed her vision and was prepared to verbally annihilate the woman when she found herself taking her jacket off the back of the chair and stepping away from her, "I'm not a victim." She ground out through a clenched jaw as she walked to the door.

"Olivia?" The councilor looked out the window just as Olivia had only seconds ago.

"What?" Olivia groaned resting her hand on the door knob, a single twist that would give her freedom from this mental agony.

"I'll see you next week."

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"How'd it go in there?" Elliot asked as he stood to his feet in the waiting room.

Olivia plastered on a fake grin, "Cake…you hungry?"

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"So, between physical therapy and you're meetings, you're mornings are booked huh?" Elliot smiled softly.

"Yeah." Olivia replied flatly, as she took a bite of eggs, "Just how every woman wants to start her mornings. Bright and early with some physical agony only to be followed by some mental anguish…every woman's fantasy." She smiled, "How are you?" She asked then furrowed her brow, "Better yet…why aren't you at work?"

"Um…I'm good." He assured her taking a drink of tea, "Real good, relaxed, you know?"

"Avoidance…my councilor would have a field day with you." She arched her brow.

"Speaking of which, how was you're session?"

"Cake." She shrugged, "Already told you that."

"Yeah…_stale_ cake." He countered, "The truth, Olivia. I don't need to know details, but I do want you to know that you can be honest with me; you can tell me, without worry, that I'll think less of you or think that you are somehow messed up. I just want the truth from you."

She exhaled, looked at him, looked at eyes of compassion, and gentleness. She drummed her fingers on the table and exhaled "It was um…rough," she swallowed, "Hard."

"Anything I can do to help you?" he asked taking a bite of his food.

She smiled at him and motioned to the table, "You already are…thank you. You have no idea what it means just to have you here."

"Well," he winked at her, "That's 'cause I'm a great guy."

She grinned, "And a jackass to boot."

"Owe." He shook his head, "That was cold…when you getting you're lazy butt back to work?"

"Lazy?" She arched her brow and smiled.

"Yeah, Liv…you know, if you wanted a vacation you should have just asked for it." He grinned, "You didn't have to go out of you're way to get yourself shot." He teased.

She laughed, "_Epitome_ of jackass."

"I'm actually coming back as soon as PT is over, so in about a month, what about you?" She asked again, "Why's IAB dragging on you?"

"Ah," Elliot shrugged his shoulders, "You know IAB, throw'em a doughnut and they get distracted."

Olivia eyed him, "You're lying to me…why?"

"You callin' me a liar?" He asked with a grin, "How rude."

"What's rude, is when you blatantly lie to you're best friend." She countered evenly, "What's going on?"

He exhaled, "I'm being investigated."

"You don't say?" She said in full sarcasm, "I'm asking why it's taking so long…haven't they gotten back to you yet?"

He looked at her and decided to be rude and lie, "Nope. I'm sure it's nothing, I'm sure they just have a full load…what are you doing tonight?"

Olivia blushed from embarrassment. She had plans, but she didn't want him dragging her back to an SA convinced that she'd lost her mind, "I…I have some things I need to take care of."

"Need help?" he asked as he finished his last bite of food.

"Um…no, no, I'm good." She insisted, "I…it's personal." She confessed.

Elliot looked up at her, "Personal? Okay…you would tell me if you were okay?"

"Yep." She assured him, "Hey, actually, I need to get going I have some stuff I need to take care of.'

"You mean before you take care of the stuff that you need to do take care of tonight?" he asked in suspicion.

She smiled and tossed a twenty on the table before giving a friendly peck on his temple, "Lunch is on me."

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"Hey, how is my incredibly sexy wife?" Jonah laughed jumping in bed next to Olivia.

"Well, she _was_ sleeping." She muttered, "Until her incredibly gorgeous husband ran and jumped on the bed." She smiled and opened one eye, leaving half of her face in the pillow, "Hi."

"Hi." He grinned and kissed her softly, "Did you just get home? I was in the basement; I didn't hear you come in."

"Yeah, thirty three hours at the station...just got home." She whispered and turned her face to see him completely.

"What happened?" He furrowed his brow and caressed her swollen jaw, "Who did this to you?"

She smiled softly, "Relax, we got him, he's in the combs." She assured him, "We we're trying to cuff him and he hooked me." She grinned sloppily, "Looks pretty cool huh?"

He smiled tenderly at her, "I swear, you are the only person I know, that is proud of her injuries."

"Not an injury…a battle scar." She countered and shrugged, "Whatever gets me the day off right?"

"Want me to kiss it and make it feel better?" He waggled his brow at her.

She reached out and traced his lips with her fingertips, "Please."

He leaned in softly, kissed her bruised cheek tenderly before moving to her lips and sipping delicately form her, her hands wrapping around his neck pulling him deeper into her mouth that openly invited him, his tongue caressing hers, his hands splayed on her side, fingertips grazing the curve of her breast.

She hummed at the sensation and pulled back gently, "So."

"So." He nuzzled her nose with his and smiled affectionately.

"I have something to tell you." She whispered.

"Yeah?" he smiled at her, "What?"

She grinned and rolled over and retrieved a small sac from her work bag that she carelessly let crash to the side of the floor before she crashed on the bed in exhaustion. "I'm late." She told him placing the sac in the middle of them.

"For what?" He asked, "I thought you got the day off."

"I do." She chuckled and tried again with raised brows, "I'm late." She reiterated and buried her teeth into her bottom lips.

His eyes widened and he shot up in the bed starring at her, "You're late?"

"Yeah…and you're slow on the uptake."

"How long?" He asked pulling her up to him and smiling at her, kissing her softly on the mouth, "How long?"

"Four days." She whispered, "But, Jonah, I don't want to get our hopes up…I'm not always right on schedule especially now, just coming through a big case, but…I was sick yesterday, and I thought…well, if I was, I wanted to take the test with you."

"You want me to pee on the sick with you?" he asked with a grin.

She threw her head back and laughed, "NO! You dork! I want you to wait with me…three minutes with something this big…that's a long time."

"This coming from the woman, who can't wait two minutes for her coffee." He smiled and picked up the sack, "Let's go pee."

She laughed, "Sometimes you have a way with words and sometimes you surprise me."

He pulled her from the bed and led her to the bathroom, "I'm a surprising man."

She laughed and pulled him close, kissing him passionately on the mouth, hands delving in spaces that could only get them in trouble, "You're a beautiful man." She whispered and playfully snatched the sac from him, "Unless you want to watch…a little privacy, please?"

He grinned, "I love you…no matter how it comes out." He whispered and pushed her hair back behind her ears, "You know that right?"

She nuzzled his nose and smiled, "Yeah, I do…I also know I have to pee."

In a manner of minutes she'd opened the door and smiled at him, "It's the waiting game now." She exhaled.

He snaked his arms around her, kissed her neck softly with his lips, "We could pass the time with some…extra curricular activities, if you'd like."

"You're bad."

"Naughty." He whispered, "If you're pregnant," he smiled against her and ran his hand just under her pajama shirt, "What would you like to have? A boy or a girl?"

She grinned and took in a deep breath feeling his hand slide into the waistband of her flannels and still further into her panties, "A girl." She whispered resting her head against his shoulder.

"Pink?" He whispered slipping his finger into her folds and gently caressing her.

She lost train of thought, "Um, sure." She swallowed and brought her hands back to his hips for support as he whispered thoughts of children in her ear, and brought her gently over the edge only to caress her as she fell back down, out of breath and satiated. She cleared her throat, and offered a small chuckle, "Um thanks."

He laughed softly, "See there, not a bad three minutes."

"Wicked."

"Diabolical…you want to look or should I?" he asked softly.

She exhaled, "I will." She told him and moved back into the restroom, returning several seconds later, with tears streaming her face, disappointment clearly written in her eyes as she shook her head, "No…we're not." She whispered and felt his embrace before he even got to her. She rested her face in his shoulder and took a deep breath, "I'm sorry."

He pulled her back and wiped her tear with his thumb, "Don't be." He whispered tenderly, "Don't be." She cried against him, a fourth negative test since he'd convinced her she was god enough to have a baby. She'd turned from profusely stating she didn't want a child, to hoping, that with each encounter with her husband, that the point of conception was reached.

He stroked her back softly, kissed her head adoringly, "Why the tears, why the sad face?"

She sniffled, pulled back and lowered her head as she kept her arms around his waist, "I don't know," She shook her head, "I just…I want a baby, I want to have a baby with you and it doesn't seem like it's in the cards for us."

He chuckled, "Olivia, it will happen, when it happens. Don't get stressed out, don't panic about this, we've only been trying for a few months, it will happen." He assured her, "Besides, this just means that you can fit into those jeans I like for a few more months." He teased and kissed her forehead.

She rested her forehead against his and smiled softly, "Well, I guess this also means…we just bought ourselves another month to try more." She raised her brows suggestively and tugged playfully at his waistband, "Maybe we need to try harder?"

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Olivia struggled with far too many bags as she made her way into her home. She grunted against pain that shot through her body, as she heaved the bags of books and supplies onto the kitchen table and exhaled. She straightened herself, grimaced at the pain and scolded herself for not simply taking two trips from the car instead of the one.

"Two grand on books and supplies," She exhaled looking at the pile on her kitchen table, "some things never change." She smirked and made her way to the kitchen, taking the remote from the counter and turning on the stereo, she smiled faintly, hearing Natasha Bedingfeild declare that she bruised easily and asking that she be handled gently.

She opened the cupboard searching for sustenance. The day had been long, the lines she had to stand in, the scheduling she had to juggle, the phone call to Cragen asking his permission to engage in something she didn't think she had the guts to do, but it was that thirteen thousand dollar bill that they handed her that was almost the death of her. There went the GTO.

She smiled, eyed the box of Lucky Charms, her favorite meal when she didn't feel like cooking. She grabbed a bowl, vaguely aware that it was now Cher bellowing through her speakers. She attempted to pour the cereal and quickly grew irritated when it wouldn't freely spill from the box. She reached in her hand and furrowed her brow, and then smiled pulling out a piece of paper.

Olivia grinned at the discovery of a note from Jonah; she opened it breaking the small piece of scotch tape and read it as she leaned against the counter. _When I look at you I see my future. I see a woman who I freely love and I am convinced we'll have each other forever. The Nerd of Your Life, Jonah _

She frowned, forever was only three years, too short. She exhaled and stepped on the foot lever to the trash, letting the fallacy fall from her hands. She replaced the box of cereal and the bowl, suddenly her appetite was extinguished.

Sitting on the couch, she listened to Clay Aiken tell the world what he would do if he was invisible. She wanted to tell him that being invisible wasn't all that it was cracked up to be, because without Jonah, that's how she felt, invisible, as if no one could see the immense pain that she didn't know how to get out.

In frustration, she stood and ran her hands through her hair and made her way to the office down the hall. She leaned back in the chair and unplugged the palm pilot from the charger. She stared at it and took a deep breath as she fingered the memory card she'd found in the frame. She absently ran the chip over her lips as she stared and thought of the possibilities that were contained in that small piece of plastic.

Leaning forward, she took a breath and inserted the memory chip into the palm and pressed power. She navigated easily enough through first few steps but frowned immediately when she tried to gain access to the chip. She stared at the prompt that asked her for a password, she tapped her name in softly, knowing that when there was a password her name was always it, that was just what Jonah did. Except in this case.

She arched her brow in surprise that access was denied. Thinking she may have tapped the wrong box with the stylus, she re tapped her name more carefully and furrowed her brow when she got the same response. She shifted in her chair and mulled over a few options before tapping in Ricky and then Lucy, taking a breath and tapping in bubelicious, Love Shack, anything with importance to them. None of which gave her an answer. Irritated and hungry she shut off the palm pilot and tossed it back on the desk before slipping into her bed, a long day ahead of her tomorrow.

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"Cap, you wanted to see me?" Elliot asked standing at the doorway to the office.

"Yeah, come in." Cragen motioned for his entry, "Close the door."

Elliot obeyed the request and took a seat, "Bad news?"

"Well," Cragen exhaled, "It's not good."

Elliot took in a breath, "Sir, she was shot and bleeding, I reacted."

Cragen exhaled and scrubbed his hand over his face, "You shot into a crowd of people Elliot."

"He was going to shoot me!" Elliot barked, "Why don't they see that?" he asked in frustration. "Am I going to loose my job?"

Cragen leaned back in his chair tapping a pen on the desk, "How is Olivia doing?" he asked not willing to dive into the previously asked question.

Elliot nodded imperceptibly understanding the Captain's need to change the subject, "She's doing a little better, she's smiling a little more, but-"

"But?"

"She's hurting." Elliot confessed, "Just too damn stubborn to admit it."

"Physically hurting or emotionally?"

Elliot exhaled, "Both, but you know Liv, she'd get her head chopped of, toss it in a bag and still show up to work, no questions asked."

"She's a good girl." Cragen mused, "Think she's gonna get through this?"

Elliot took in a breath, eyes wide with consideration, "Some days I have no doubt."

"And other days?" Cragen asked tilting his head in question.

"Other days," Elliot shook his head in defeat, "Other days, I have all the doubt in the world."

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"Go on a date with me, Jonah." Olivia grinned straddling his lap.

"A date?" He furrowed his brow in confusion, "Olivia, we're married."

"So." She shrugged her shoulders, "I want to take my husband on a date." She grinned and kissed his lips playfully.

"You're a girl." He furrowed his brow.

She pulled back in slight shock, a grin on her face, "Um, honey, if you married me under the pretense that I _wasn'_t a girl…I want a divorce." She teased, "Of course I'm a girl…so?"

He kept his hands on her waist and looked at her, "Women don't take men out on dates."

She furrowed her brow, "Who told you that lie?" Her mouth went slack in realization, "Is that why you never accepted dinner invitations from me when we dated?"

"We went to your restaurant choices." He protested slipping his hands down to cover her bottom as she covered his thighs, "Movie choices too."

"Those were suggestions…I asked you to let me take you out a few times and you always said you already had something planned…what's going on?" she smiled knowing she'd caught him in something, she just wasn't sure what it was yet.

"Olivia" he shook his head, "Women, don't…take their husbands out, it's not…right."

"What!" She furrowed her brow, "Where's that coming from?"

He exhaled, "Olivia-"

"Hey," She tipped his chin up to hers, "Is this some sort of Russian culture thing? Is this like, Russian manliness or something?" she asked with an amused smile.

"My mother raised me right." He whispered, "I can't let you take care of me, that's not being a man."

"Oh," She laughed softly and kissed him affectionately on the mouth, "you still have so much to learn about us pesky Americans." She rested her forehead on his and smiled, "My mother didn't raise me so well," she teased, "and I'm a New Yorker to boot, which means, I'm taking my husband out on a date to night, regardless of what his Russian mother may think of me." She kissed his lips again, framed his face in her palms, "Doesn't mean you're not the leader of you're home, doesn't me you're not manly…just means, I want to take you out tonight." She kissed him again, her smile against his, "Get it?"

He smirked, "Got it."

She swatted the side of his leg and rolled off of him, "Good. Wear jeans, casual tonight alright?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"What do they call those again? Death traps?" Jonah smiled massaging his neck.

"Bumper cars." She corrected, leaning into his side as they walked back to the car, "And if you're good tonight, I might massage that whiplash right out of you."

"Yeah?" He arched his brow.

"Well, only if you're good." She smiled and interlaced her hands with his, "See, not so bad letting you're wife take you out on a date, huh?"

"Let me drive you're car." He asked.

"Um," She beamed looking over to the crimson GTO, "How do I put this gingerly? Absolutely not."

"Come on." He grinned, "Teach me how to drive a stick."

"Nope." She shook her head, "That's not a car that you teach someone in."

"I taught you to drive my motorcycle-"

"And I almost wrecked it." She reminded him.

"I taught you to ride my road bicycle." He reminded her.

"Which was in the shop for a week after my lesson, and if I remember correctly it was my pinky finger that was broke." She teased.

"Please." He whispered stepping closer to her and lowering his lips to her ear, "If you make me beg…I may be forced to make you beg for…other things." He said mischievously.

"Beg, huh?" she whispered in an effort to not let him hear her voice catch, "Kind of a kindergarten word isn't it?"

"To beg is to beg." He whispered, "You can't spin that."

"Supplicate." She responded lowly.

He pulled her to his waist and kissed her mouth seductively, "Beg…supplicate…it's all the same I suppose."

She grinned, "I got you didn't I?"

"What?" He turned red, "No, no, not at all."

She narrowed her vision at him, "Liar. You don't know what it means do you?"

"Olivia." He smirked, "I am the all knowing Jonah," he told her sarcastically, playfully, "That's a kid's word, a toddler's."

"Oh yeah," She arched her brow ready to call his bluff, "Give me the definition."

He swallowed and bowed his head, "Is it that important?"

"Oh yeah…me winning you in this…it's important." She grinned, "What's the definition?" she arched her brows in expectancy.

"What's it worth to you?" he tilted his head to the side.

She licked her lips at the banter, "Okay, you give me the right definition, I teach you to drive a stick, but if it's the wrong definition," she whispered nipping at his lip, "You're mine tonight."

He leveled his gaze at her, "Supplicate," he said confidently, "Means to replace or to…substitute the delicate."

She had two options, tell him he was dead wrong, which he was, or hand him the keys to a car that she'd spent the last five and a half years rebuilding and restoring. She smiled at him, "Crap." She exhaled handing him the keys, "I really thought you didn't know."

He cockily took the keys, "Again, I'm the all knowing Jonah."

"Yeah, well…get in the car…if you're swelling head will fit." She rolled her eyes and felt momentary panic as they both slid in, shut the doors, and he inserted the keys.

"Alright, let's establish something." She exhaled, "I restored this thing with my bare hands." She told him raising up her palms for emphasis, "And while I love you, if this car were capable if giving me an orgasm our marriage would be in trouble." She teased, "Be gentle with him."

"Him." He furrowed his brow, "Are you serious?"

"Yep, and he has feelings so knock it off." She grinned, "Let's go, it's getting cold."

"Um…a little help?" he grinned sheepishly.

She narrowed her vision, "Jonah," she sat up a little straighter, "Are you seriously telling me that you have never driven a stick shift before?"

"Yep, it would appear so." He exhaled, "Hey if you don't want to-"

"Press in the clutch and start the car." She instructed finding it odd that he drove a motorcycle perfectly, almost expertly, but never had the opportunity to drive a stick.

"Alright, now what?" he asked with a boyish smile.

She grinned at his ignorance, found that she enjoyed this side of him just as much as his intellectual side and his goofy side, "Find first." She told him.

He caressed the shifter in his hand and ground the gears, "Hey! Whoa, whoa." She laughed covering his hand with hers, "You break it, you buy it buddy." She told him playfully as she guided his hand over the shifter and into first.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh, whiplash." Olivia groaned leaning up against the GTO, "I don't think my car has ever been abused like that before."

He laughed; something in his laughter that caught her attention, something pure. "What?" she chuckled sidling up alongside of him as they walked up the driveway to their home, "what's so funny?" she prodded, leaning her head against his arm.

"Nothing." He assured her, "I just…that was fun to learn, I like to learn new things."

"Of course it was fun." She told him as they made their way into the house, her hands pulling him to her by his waistband as she walked backwards, deeper into their house, "Any car running three deuces is fun."

He kissed her mouth playfully, "I still don't get how you know cars so well."

She arched her brows, "I'm a mysterious person." She winked and brought him back to her lips, "Hey?"

"What?" he laughed as she fell back onto their bed pulling him down over her.

She grinned up at him, "You know, it's just me and you here in this house."

"I'm aware of that." He smirked; "unless you've got some guy hiding in the closet?" he arched his brow.

"Shut up!" she smiled, "You're the only one I want in my closet."

"Closet?" he smacked his lips, "I was sort of going for…bed."

"Well, that too."

He ran the tip of his tongue over her lips and smiled, "Do you wanna…fool around?"

She smiled back at him, "Yup."

"I have to know something first." He told her as he kissed her neck delicately.

She furrowed her brow, adjusted her head on the mattress and grazed his back with her fingertips, "What?"

He paused momentarily and stared at her before asking, "What's the name of you're car?"

She laughed, "Geronimo."

"That's dumb." He chuckled kissing her playfully and taking her to the top of the bed.

"That'll teach you to ask questions." She told him wrapping her hands around his neck and kissing him seductively.

"One more." He mumbled against her lips.

She groaned and flopped her head back on the pillow, "Agony…you love putting me through sheer agony."

"It's important." He assured her stroking her stomach just below her shirt.

"What?" She shook her head and smiled, "For crying out loud what?"

He smiled at her, rubbed himself against her slowly and purposefully, her breath hitching, neck arching, palms against his chest, before he lowered his lips to hers, "What does supplicate really mean?" he whispered.

She licked her lips gently and rose up from the pillow slightly, to kiss him, to pull him closer to her, "To humbly implore." She whispered.

"So you _let_ me win?" he arched his brow.

She shifted quickly and pinned him below her, rubbing herself over him and watching his eyes jump at the sensation, she lowered herself to him and kissed him, "Yup."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia stared at the building from the Crimson GTO she'd just picked up from the storage unit she kept it in when Jonah bought her the Camaro. A custom FOR SALE sticker stuck to the back window complete with her cell phone number. The building hadn't changed; it was still old, still drab and slightly ugly. Perhaps ugly wasn't the word, perhaps she was looking more for scholarly or gaudy. Whatever it was, it made her feel just as old.

She rested her head on the steering wheel and listed all of the reasons why she shouldn't be here. The hundreds of men walking around was the first reason. The fact that this might interfere with her work, was the second, although once she finally pulled her balls out of her pocket and told Cragen she needed to ride her desk because she was pregnant, she knew it would be more manageable. But the added stress, the longer days, she wasn't so sure she could handle that.

She and Jonah had talked about it before, talked about her coming here, but she ignored the thought, pushed it aside and allowed her job to come first. Elliot would stare at her in disbelief that she was here. He'd probably drag her back to the S.A. councilor just to see if she was loosing her mind, which, she felt she was.

She finally found the nerve to leave the confines of her vehicle, sling a burden she would carry on her back for a year over her shoulder and walk down a path, she didn't know if she had the guts to. Maybe this whole, hobby bull crap wasn't a good idea. Maybe she should turn around and go home.

"Can I help you?" A deep voice brought her out of her doubts.

"Um," Olivia smiled softly, "I'm looking for Dr. Songee."

The tall, blond hair male smiled, "Follow me."

"Actually, if you can just tell me where he is, I can find my own way." She assured him.

"Well, I'm actually going that way myself," he smiled at her, trailing his eyes down her body, she deliberately ran her left hand through her hair, her wedding ring still visible, "it wouldn't make since to give you directions if I'm headed that way myself."

Olivia ducked her head and reluctantly followed. Not reluctant because she was afraid of him, but reluctant because she saw something in his eyes that let her know he wanted her. He undressed her mentally and she wondered if his hands would palm her breast as delicately as Jonah's did, if his lips would feel the same against her body. Great, this hobby was gonna get her in more trouble.

"Here we are." He smiled and motioned for her entrance to which she did so quickly, taking a seat and starring, feeling completely out of place, wanting Elliot there, to keep her thoughts in cheek. But as this first night, of what would be many nights started to unfold, she felt the gentle stirrings of her baby within her womb, a soft reminder that this life was not about her anymore, nor was it simply about the job or loosing her husband, it was about her baby.

She rested her hand on her abdomen, smiled softly to herself and started completing the paperwork given to her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Two weeks after starting something she wasn't sure she could do, she sat frustrated and exhausted on her couch starring down at a paragraph that she had read fifteen times and still didn't comprehend. She stood to her feet and exhaled as she paced the living room of her apartment. The weeks had been rough, Elliot seemed to have his own problems that he wasn't opening up to her about, the man that had escorted her to Dr. Songee has spent the last two weeks trying to get into her pants and she's not entirely sure she has the strength to keep saying no.

She found herself starring at her own reflection in the mirror, four months pregnant, and a barely noticeable swell over her abdomen. She smiled softly and then decided that the contacts had to come out. The intense burning was driving her up the wall and she still had more than enough reading to do tonight. She took them out cautiously and placed them in their respective holders before opening the drawer and retrieving a case with her glasses in them. She put them on, exhaled and rolled her eyes, "Real attractive Liv." She muttered. She hated her glasses, and if anyone found out she actually wore them, she'd have to kill them.

She walked out of the bathroom smiling to herself at the memory of Jonah first learning that she needed them. She'd been so sick with the flu and he'd come to her apartment, let himself in when she was sleeping to cook and clean for her. He was good to her. Olivia sat down at the office in her home starring at the damn palm pilot, still unable to come up with the password. Jonah was normally so easy for her to figure out, yet this was so frustrating.

She powered it on and laughed out loud remembering Jonah's expression when she'd come out of her room, greasy hair in a pony tail, skin clammy and pale, glasses in place. He'd paused and took in her form as she blushed and tried to turn away. He'd tipped her chin up and told her she was gorgeous. She of course suggested that it was most likely he that needed glasses.

Olivia tapped the stylus again, she'd been trying to crack this code for two weeks using every possible word, phrase, or food that meant something to Jonah, she rolled her eyes when the prompt told her that her assumption of 'corndog' wasn't the password, neither was 'supplicate' or 'adore'. 'Benson' didn't have the right touch, and 'baby' didn't offer any magical powers either.

She leaned back in the chair and stared at the palm pilot, "Why the mystery Jonah?" she muttered to herself in thought, "What is on this chip that is so important?" She exhaled and picked up the stylus again tapping away and groaning with disappointment after each entry when she was suddenly startled by the doorbell.

She looked at her watch decided that it wasn't extremely late, and it was, after all a Saturday, it could be anyone. 

"Who is it?"

"Taylor."

"Taylor?" She asked in disbelief as she opened the door to her home and starred, "Taylor? What are you doing here?" she asked looking at the man who'd escorted her to Dr. Songee, at the man who's been trying to get into her pants for the last two weeks. Maybe she didn't look pregnant per se but she knew she was, which made her feel all the more terrible for knowing that once this man came into her home all that she had worked so laboriously for the last twenty-eight days, sixteen hours and twenty-two minutes, was going to be challenged.

"I thought you could use some help, you looked perplexed."

"Confused." She muttered raking her hands through her hair and suddenly realizing she was wearing her glasses. She wanted them off, but her contacts were certainly not going in and she was blind as a bat without either of them, "How did you know where I live?"

"Karen, from the group." He told her simply.

_Mental note: Kill Karen. _

"Oh, come on in." she exhaled and opened the door to him. Wanting a way out of this. This wasn't good. It wasn't that he was necessarily attractive, although he was, but it was more, that the overwhelming desire to make love to Jonah had stalked her all day today. "Water?"

"Please." He smiled, "What do you think about Dr. Songee?" he asked as she retrieved the water.

"Um, I don't know." She gave the shallowest answer she could find as she stared at him and handed him a bottle of water. Her eyes on his lips, his eyes on her breast. "The lab sheets are right there." She finally managed and pointed to the couch, "I'll be right back."

"Okay, I'll take a look, see where things went wrong for you." He smiled and watched her as she moved down the hall.

She felt him watching her, knew that he was watching her move. She didn't want to do this, yet she felt as though she wasn't worthy enough to fight it. She wanted Jonah; he looked a little bit like Jonah. This was justifiable intercourse, wasn't it? She rolled her eyes at the stupidity of the thought. She sat on the edge of her bed and rested her face in her palms trying to think, trying to will herself to kick this man out of her home, knowing that if she were to have sex with him she would kick him out anyway. She puffed out her cheeks, never one good at getting rid of the middle man.

_Yet the questions remain…how many men and would he have wanted that for you?_

In this moment, she wished Physical Therapy hadn't worked so well, she wished she was still visibly bandaged. She didn't want to tell this man that she was pregnant; it wasn't his right to know. She exhaled and forced herself to pick up the phone, an act of humiliation to call her partner to come to her home and baby-sit her. "Good job Liv." She muttered and rolled her eyes waiting for Elliot to pick up the phone.

"Voice mail?" She groaned and left a message, "Elliot, its Liv…come on, you never let it go to voice mail. If you get this, stop by? I've got free food…I um…sort of," she huffed, "look it's free food if you want it, I'll cya if I cya, bye."

Life line…extinguished.

"Olivia?" Taylor called from the hall.

"Just a sec." She called back and stood to her feet pulling a sweater over her body and walking out to the living room, "Sorry," She smiled softly, "I had to make a call…work."

"I understand." He grinned and patted the cushion next to him, "Come on, I don't bite."

_Nope, you just offer venom_.

She sat down slowly, careful to keep distance between them as she reviewed her mistakes. She groaned, "This is so complicated."

"Not really." He shrugged, "Fascinating though don't you think?"

"Yeah." She agreed.

"Here," he pointed to the lab sheet, "See, this is actually incorrect, you need to re-do this or the findings are all voided."

"Re-do what?" she asked leaning over slightly, his breath now against her cheek.

_Elliot. Please. I need you. Where are you?_

"This, the DNA structure is wrong." His voice deepened, speech slowed before placing the lab sheets on the coffee table, his hand on the back of her neck in a matter of seconds.

_Elliot. Please. I need you. _

"I thought you were pretty hot the first time I saw you." He told her, his lips on her jaw line. Her voice lost. "You're body is amazing." He whispered lowering her to the couch.

"You're too young." She finally found an excuse and pushed herself back up, her hand separating them. "I can't, do this." Her voice weak, willpower being tested.

_Elliot. Please_.

He smiled at her, lowered her hand back to her lap, "I'm old enough to be legal…and young enough to be…interesting." He assured her and kissed her mouth, to which she fed him the line of the act being too intimate, offered him anything other than her mouth.

He covered her body with his, his youthful erection pressing into her, her shame flowing through her veins as he caressed her already tender breast through her thin sweatshirt, brought her nipples to a peak and rubbed into her, "You smell so good." He whispered nipping at her neck and pulling her leg over his thigh for better access.

_Elliot_.

She arched her back, pressing herself deeper against him, he's not Jonah, but he's close, for now. He smiles into her neck, stroking her nipple and rubbing into the cradle of her hips, "I want to make you come."

She moaned her acceptance, too ashamed to speak actual words. Jonah taught her that words were powerful, they were an inner strength. But, in this moment, she felt as though she had no right to exercise a gift given to her by her husband. Not as she was about to have an affair and betray him again.

Her breath hitched feeling his hand unbuckle her pants.

She was whore. You can't spin that.

_El. _

"I want to feel you come around me." Taylor growled into her neck.

She had half the mind to know that she didn't like young and inexperienced hands on her, she doesn't like the thinness of his body, but he looked like Jonah. Justifiable Intercourse. She sunk her teeth in her bottom lip as she felt his fingertips curl around her jeans a gentle tug and then, the doorbell.

She jumped, "Get off."

"What?"

"Get off…now." She panted and pushed him, "This shouldn't have happened, I need you to leave."

"But."

The doorbell rang again, "Leave!" she snapped hearing the key slide into the door knob, she jumped up, "Get out!" she barked at the stunned male that stood slowly. Needing to save face she made her way down the hall and into her room.

Elliot furrowed his brow when he opened the door, "Who the hell are you?"

"Taylor…Taylor Raphic."

Elliot dropped the bag of groceries on the kitchen table, "Where's Liv." He asked suspiciously and glanced at the young man in front of him. His eyes momentarily catching an erection in his slacks. He averted his gaze and made a note to gouge out his eyes later, "Get. The hell. Out."

Taylor groaned, "Oh, man, tell me you're not her husband."

Elliot opened the door and pointed, avoiding eye contact, "I don't want to know what happened, just leave."

"But."

"You have five seconds to leave before I kill you." Elliot spoke evenly, "You've wasted three."

Taylor bolted.

Elliot exhaled and closed the door. He gathered his thoughts and put away the groceries she knew she'd forget to stop for. She never was good at the domesticated stuff. He folded the bag and jumped at her voice.

"Hey." She whispered standing nervously on the other side of the island counter.

He was just about to turn around and yell at her, ask her how she could have forsaken the hard work, the progress that she'd made, when he turned and saw her tears, her brokenness, and his anger subsided. He closed the gap, took her into his arms and let her cry against him.

It took an exhausting ten minutes for her to come to a calm. "I didn't know you wore glasses." He whispered stroking her back, "You look really pretty."

She sniffled and cried again, "Thank you."

"I got you're message," he told her, letting her stand on her own accord, "I was picking up some groceries because I know you would starve." He told her going about his business of retrieving popcorn as if nothing were the matter, as if there were no elephant in her home. "You sounded a little stressed out in your message so I picked up a movie." He shrugged, "I know it's not the chic flicks you hide around here but-"

"I don't own chick flicks." She laughed softly and wiped the moisture from her face.

"Well," Elliot shrugged, "I hear Crash is great, it's up to you though."

She exhaled, suddenly self conscious about her glasses. She reached up and attempted to remove them.

"Leave'em." He smiled, "They're fine…and how can you bribe me with free food when you're fridge was bare?"

Olivia bowed her head, "I..um…I needed-"

"You need to put the video in." He grinned, willing to give her a reprieve for the time being, he held out the DVD, "Times tickin'."

She smiled softly knowing what he was doing. Life line successfully cast. She turned and made her way to the television as he finished the popcorn complete with M&M's. She was negotiating the remote controls and finally cued the movie standing and making her way down the hall.

Elliot made his way to the living room, placed the popcorn and two sodas on the coffee table and frowned at the stack of books that littered the table and couch. He picked one up, "Science and What We Can Learn Form It." He muttered the title, cast it aside and picked up a composition book furrowing his brow at it and then suddenly putting everything together.

"Hey!" Olivia barked out of nervousness and snatched the book from him, "Nosey?" she arched her brow and stacked the books, "This isn't any of you're business." She mumbled trying to cover the evidence of what she'd been doing the last two weeks. The excuses she had to make so she could be where she needed to be.

"Liv." He smiled putting his hand over hers and taking the books out of her control, "You're right, I'm sorry." He confessed, "I was just…it was weird to see Jonah's books out here and I thought you're composition book would be interesting, I'm sorry."

She swallowed, "They're…they're not his."

"What?"

She exhaled, adjusted her glasses and sat slowly, "Can we watch the movie please?"

"Yup." He agreed and flopped next to her, the comforter that she had brought in before catching him snooping pulled over the both. "Start her up." He chimed and relaxed in hopes that she would relax and open up to him.

Minutes passed in silence as they engrossed themselves in the movie, "I'd like to have an invisible cloak." She whispered with a smile, "Too cool."

Elliot smiled and continued to watch the movie, "Oh, what a prick!" he barked at the screen, "That is exactly why the force has such a bad name!" he groaned watching an officer molest one a woman on the screen.

Silence ensued again, and Elliot snuck a glance at Olivia who was totally consumed with the film, watching an irate Persian man pull a gun on a Mexican man who was frantically trying to give him his wallet. Elliot furrowed his brow and watched Olivia's body tense, her eyes widen as a little girl who was convinced she wore an impenetrable cloak darted out between the gun wielding man and her dad.

Olivia's eyes widened in horror as the movie slowed, her hands coming up only halfway to her face as a shot rang out, the little girls eyes grimace, the father broken with the thought of his daughter being shot to save him. Olivia cried silently and let out an audible breath when the daughter suddenly appeared alive. The invisible cloak, impenetrable, seemed to work. She wanted one, if only to keep the pain out.

"Liv, it's a movie." He teased and rubbed her shoulder.

"That was crazy." She marveled at the screen.

It was right around the end of the movie or thereabouts when Olivia shifted in her seat, exhaled and confessed, "I went back to school."

Elliot turned to her sharply, "Huh?"

She groaned wishing she hadn't said anything but muted the television and turned to face him, adjusting her glasses and tucking her hair behind her ears, "I…my hobby…I went back to school." She swallowed and looked at him.

"Really?"

"Yeah…stupid?"

"What? No!" he grinned at her, "I'm happy for you, what are you working on?"

"My masters." She said pointing to the stack of books that were now resting sloppily in a pile on her floor.

"Those books are yours?" he asked almost amused, "I pity you for having to read that."

"It's…new." She exhaled and rubbed her temples, "I forgot how hard science really was, it's fun when you're not studying it, but when you really have to grasp a concept…it's painful." She groaned and smiled softly.

"Science? You're working on you're masters in science?"

"Sort of…emphasis in Criminology."

"Wow." He grinned and rubbed her shoulder again, "Hey, I'm glad you've done this…what made you want to go back?"

"Well," she leaned back on the couch, "I'm only a year away from completing it," she smiled caressing her belly, "And I figured that since I'll be on desk duty, then maternity leave, I'll have a lot of time to try and get it knocked out…I thought now was a good time, and you know…" her voice trialed off.

"Know what?" he asked softly resting his hand on her knee, "It's okay."

"My meetings…the S.A. councilor said I needed a hobby."

"Liv," he grinned, "Those books are painful…pain is not a hobby."

_Apparently it is for me._ "No." She agreed, "But drawing is."

He furrowed his brow in curiosity, "Drawing?"

"Yeah, I mean, I could have done guitar as my elective but, to be honest, it reminds me of Jonah. I haven't drawn anything for, what? Twenty years, I think, but, I decided to take a class; I have a great teacher very talented. She motivates me." She inhaled and licked her lips. She was nervous.

"So, this is what you've been doing at nights?" he smiled.

"Yeah, school and a whole lot of studying…I'm not sure what I was thinking when I did this." She laughed, "I…I sold the GTO."

"Bull!" he stared at her in shock, "Liv, you love that thing."

She exhaled, "College tuition is painful these days…I wanted to pay cash, I have the Camaro, the bikes, and Jonah's Civic…I could afford to part with the GTO, it was fast money, easy sale, I think I had the sign on for all of a day."

"You happy about it?"

"It'll be worth it." She nodded and exhaled, "Elliot?" she rested her cheek against the back of the couch, "Thank you for coming."

He smiled softly, "No place I'd rather be."

"Liar…you had tickets to the hockey game."

"Yeah, but you're teeth are far better to look at." He winked and paused, "Liv…why did you need me tonight?"

She shook her head at the memory of Taylor's hands on her, his lips against her, "The shrink said…make a list of people I trust to call, in case…you know…in case-"

"You want to act out." He finished for her, "I understand."

She shrugged softly, "You're the only one I trust."

He nodded his head, "I would have forgone the food and movie had I known, what was happening here."

She turned her face away, "I tried to fight it."

"I know you did." He whispered pulling her close to him and holding her, "I know you did Liv…what happened, can you tell me?"

She exhaled and laughed, "Glasses fog up."

He chuckled as she put them down on the coffee table and stared at her bare feet, "He's in my master's class, and he said he came by to help me on a lab I didn't understand."

"Did he hurt you?"

"No." She covered his hand with hers and continued to stare at her foot wondering when it was that she had cut the top of it. Wondered why she hadn't seen the scratch. "He's been, sort of, coming on to me for the past two weeks and I tried so hard," her voice started to crack, "to resist it. He literally showed up, unannounced and...Elliot?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you for coming when you did…it was…close." She whispered turning her face away in humiliation.

He tilted her face back to him, framed her broken features with his hands and placed an adoringly friendly kiss on her forehead, "We'll start all over again tomorrow." He smiled at her.

"_We'll_?"

He kissed her forehead again, "We'll."


End file.
